I won’t let anyone take my baby out in the pram without me

[BeTicklishBee]

I need to know if I’m being unreasonable. I have this fear of people( grandparents, aunts etc) taking my son out in the pram without me there. I’m totally fine if I’m there but I don’t know if it’s down to the fact that my parents are in their late 60’s and aren’t super healthy/fit or that fact that our town is just full of dodgey people and drugged up people. It’s a common occurrence of stabbings on random people etc. (we are moving out of this town soon!) there has been many occasions where literally crackheads want to come up to the pram and say hi to my son.

It’s my partners nephews birthday today and I asked my parents to have the baby as we can’t really take him with us and my mum has refused unless I let her take my son out on the pram. I told her no as it’s always been my hard rule so nothing new and she’s just gone in on me saying I’m be irrational and I’ve got deeper issues and maybe I do but in my head I’m a new mum my baby is only a couple of months old and I’ve explained countless amounts of times this fear I have. I just feel like she’s ridiculing me over something I have no control over and I feel I am getting better with it as when he was first born I wouldn’t let anyone even push the pram even my partner. She will only have my son for three hours so I don’t know why she can’t just stay at home with him, she has a big garden and a big house so why is she absolutely 100% determined on taking him out even though I’ve told her time and time again how I can’t allow that to happen.

am I being irrational?

OP I was exactly the same as you when my DD was newborn - it was a very deep, primal thing where I had in my head that I’d be the only person able to protect her from any danger. Having said that, I did override myself and let other people take her out in the pram because I realised my feelings weren’t rational!
I think some of the replies are a bit harsh here but mine is a very gentle yes you’re being irrational but I empathise!

It sounds like you are overthinking quite a lot OP. The obvious hint of this is when you speak of the grand parents ages. Late sixties are youngish grandparents of recently retired age

You're not being unreasonable. You are their mother and want to protect your child. Its a natural powerful instinct
Also totally normal to expect family to not take your baby to dangerous places with dodgy characters, especially as you say they are not equipped physically to protect your baby at all.
They are being unreasonable to be pushing you on this and sounds like bullying

To everyone being rude to the OP:

As mothers of older children, many of us who might have ourselves experienced higher anxiety or been higher maintenance (esp with first born) this is not the way we speak to someone who’s struggling. She may not be ready to accept this is anxiety yet, she might not immediately run to the gp after this thread but why does that give anyone here a right to be rude or sassy with her. A couple years from now her husband and her mum will be sat with her at Christmas while they all laugh about how she wouldn’t let anyone hold the baby for their first year. Her mum is already putting her foot down and even if she doesn’t go the gp, it’s very likely as her dc grows up she’ll relax. Most people relax when the baby hits toddler age anyway. She, right now, is clearly experiencing post partum anxiety, which she can’t help. Her and her family will get over this together but the rude women on here will always have been the kind of people that kicked a new mum with anxiety while she was down.

I actually can’t believe this is mums supporting mums, this is women supporting women, where is the empathy and understanding? None of us are perfect parents either.

I really wish you the best OP, and even if you can’t accept it right now please ignore the way some of these posters have addressed you and instead focus on the fact we are all in agreement. Please know it’s not coming from a place of judgement and it can be hard to accept when we’ve gotten things wrong but please speak to the gp

I appreciate that. All I'm saying is if you're full of anxiety your child is very likely to pick that up, they are sponges, especially when they are very young.

💯

I’m sure that being a new mum brings with it all kinds of anxieties. Some are understandable, but the things you have described are less do. I think you would benefit from talking to your GP or other support to see how you can address your fears. You don’t want to push everyone away or to make yourself ill with worrying.

Can you talk to your parents, say you know you are being unnecessarily anxious but that you are seeking help for this? And in the meantime, can they just bear with you? Ask for their help in overcoming your irrational fears?

No you provided an anecdote and tried to triangulate it with one psychologist's opinion and one you claim to be your sister. Whilst the anxiety of others can fuel anxiety in others, anxiety is from within and relates to how a person is neurologically. It is not something that can be caught or picked up in the same way as an infectious disease. If your sister thinks otherwise, I would suggest she should cease practicing and you should cease quoting her.

Also “random stabbings” a common occurrence? How common, exactly?

I disagree if you genuinely think a child that spends the majority of their time around someone who is very anxious isn't going to pick up on that. It's the same as children who grow up in violent environments etc. Children ate the product of their environment

OP I think your mum is being unreasonable, your baby is only a few months old. She should really just approach you with understanding and stay at home for a few hours with baby. I’m sure you’ll eventually feel comfortable but if you live somewhere dodgy it’s natural to want to be there with baby when they’re out and about, especially if your dad is walking into traffic? As you say, you felt uncomfortable with husband going out without you in the first few weeks but got over that, so I’m sure you’ll eventually feel comfortable widening your circle of trust with baby out and about.

I have suffered with anxiety for years in my younger years and thought I was ok but now that baby is here it is apparent these anxiety fears have come back.

How was it treated in your younger years? How did you overcome it? If you recognise that it is back that quite obviously you should be going back to get more treatment?

How old is your baby? I was the same until she was around 6 months I had awful anxiety I was terrified someone would snatch the pram and steal my baby, I worried about everything. I remember when she was 4 months I was getting my nails done and my mum had her in the same town just down the road and I felt sick with worry. After 6 months I gradually got better about things and no longer worry. My health visitor said it’s a part of post partum depression

OP, your two posts contradict each other. You've given new information here about incidents you say happened involving your parents pushing your baby in the pram but in your original post you said it's always been your rule since your child was born and it's "nothing new".

The OP is completely unreasonable. This level of paranoia goes way beyond protecting her child.

I disagree. The OP is asking her mum to look after the baby, and therefore trust her to do that, but not to take her out in the pram which is an entirely normal activity.

Gently, you know YABU. Because rationally you must understand that if you trust someone enough to look after your baby at home, then you can equally trust them to look after baby outside the home too. It is well known that most accidents happen in the home itself, so intellectually you must understand that worrying in particular about trusted babysitters taking him out in the pram doesn’t make sense.

Perhaps the real problem is you don’t really want anyone other than yourself looking after your baby at all? I think that’s absolutely not uncommon for mums with young babies (especially first time mums) and should ease as your baby gets older. But unfortunately you can’t have your cake and eat it - you either accept you don’t socialise without your baby at the moment (and therefore have to miss out on things) or you ask trusted people to look after your baby for you, but accept you can’t then dictate exactly how they do it (unless what they are doing is against normal childcare guidelines- which taking a baby out in a pram isn’t). Hopefully your anxiety eases soon, it may be normal post- partum hormonal shifts. But if it doesn’t get better in a month or two it might be worth talking to your GP

This won't go away by giving into the anxiety. You have to let them take the pram out and they'll come back fine and your anxiety will start to ease. The more they come back fine, the more it was ease. If you give into the anxiety, you're feeding it and it grows. And honestly I don't believe the level of crime you're citing. Random stabbings get reported because they're not that common. I've lived in some right shitholes with reputations and no one with a pram was ever set upon and harmed, it'd be national news. Your parents raised you and they'll be fine with your DC. Get help so the anxiety doesn't take over to this extent or you'll be passing it onto your child as they grow and that's a very sad loop. If anything, it points to the need for less anxious grandparenting for balance.

You are being unreasonable. But your baby is very young. Maybe you could have a proper conversation with your mum explaining that you know your fears are irrational and setting up a gradual path to you coming to terms with it. They may be more happy to work with you on that than a blanket “ never”.

if this type of anxiety is also emerging in other areas then you should definitely ask your GP for some help with post-partem anxiety, it’s much better to catch it early and it is treatable.

I don’t think you are irrational. I wouldn’t have wanted my babies away from me at all that age.

I understand.

I had some post natal anxiety with my first baby and struggled to trust anyone else to be responsible for her safety. It did gradually disappear but it took months and it would have been better if I'd been honest with the health visitor and GP.

Perhaps some talking therapy would help you? Please seek some professional help from your local health clinic - you won't be judged or told you are ridiculous (unlike on here).

Best wishes to you. 💐

YANBU as your baby is very new, you're still recovering and it seems like the area is less than salubrious. Your mum should be supportive. You won't always feel like this.

This. They are either capable or they aren’t. My Dad is 67 and goes to the gym daily, runs 5k three times per week and is fitter than me, so definitely capable of pushing a pram (and a running buggy!) but I understand late sixties can look different on different people. You need to explore whether or not your anxiety is irrational or if it’s based on any real problems that might arise from your Mum pushing a pram.

I feel for you but yes you are being unreasonable and unfortunately now that you're a Mum you have to think outside your own anxiety. If you carry on like this then you are not doing what is best for your child. You need to speak to your Doctor for help.