I won’t let anyone take my baby out in the pram without me

[BeTicklishBee]

I need to know if I’m being unreasonable. I have this fear of people( grandparents, aunts etc) taking my son out in the pram without me there. I’m totally fine if I’m there but I don’t know if it’s down to the fact that my parents are in their late 60’s and aren’t super healthy/fit or that fact that our town is just full of dodgey people and drugged up people. It’s a common occurrence of stabbings on random people etc. (we are moving out of this town soon!) there has been many occasions where literally crackheads want to come up to the pram and say hi to my son.

It’s my partners nephews birthday today and I asked my parents to have the baby as we can’t really take him with us and my mum has refused unless I let her take my son out on the pram. I told her no as it’s always been my hard rule so nothing new and she’s just gone in on me saying I’m be irrational and I’ve got deeper issues and maybe I do but in my head I’m a new mum my baby is only a couple of months old and I’ve explained countless amounts of times this fear I have. I just feel like she’s ridiculing me over something I have no control over and I feel I am getting better with it as when he was first born I wouldn’t let anyone even push the pram even my partner. She will only have my son for three hours so I don’t know why she can’t just stay at home with him, she has a big garden and a big house so why is she absolutely 100% determined on taking him out even though I’ve told her time and time again how I can’t allow that to happen.

am I being irrational?

It’s wrong to dictate what others do, when they’re doing you a favour by looking after your child.
Most people (and addicts are people too!) wouldn’t dream of hurting a baby, so your fear is disproportionate to the actual risk. I hope you can get help for your anxiety soon (it sucks, I know 💐).

My first thought was 'your baby, your rules'. Then very quickly that shifted to 'love, you need help'.

Your poor partner, not permitted to take his own baby outside.

Fresh air and daylight and interaction with family and conversation and seeing interesting things all around are good for babies.

Fast forward and you'll be wrapping the child in cotton wool, terrified of strangers and germs.

See your GP. Talk post natal depression, anxiety therapy.

I think your own mother's lacking empathy though. Is there something there you might need to discuss with a therapist?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and anyone who has experienced chronic anxiety with their children will understand

It is unreasonable though. Sounds like a form of PND and instead of shrugging it off as reasonable, OP needs medical assistance to address it.

So many flags, starting with not letting DH push the pram when baby first came home. I mean, looking at all the fears OP has put forward as to why only she can push the pram, it’s irrational in itself, a man would be much better placed to protect something in a pram than a woman. It’s all odd so not helpful trying to say it’s reasonable.

No, she’s not.
I also live in a town like OP’s and I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting anyone take my baby out without me either.
Just because you’re okay with it doesn’t mean you’re right, or that the OP has issues etc.

How arrogant to be so blinkered to other people and the differences between us.

@Teladi is right.

Unfortunately you are being unreasonable, because you're not well. Do go and see someone.

Ok. The OP can carry on as she is then if she is happy, and so can you.

I live in SE London myself. Not exactly safe.

@BeTicklishBee

You are being unreasonable on multiple counts.

Not letting the baby’s dad push the pram.
Leaving the baby with your mum (why cant you take the baby with you if you are so particular?) but then dictating that she needs to stay at home.
Irrational anxiety about druggies and stabbers approaching your pram (and yes, I live in South London I know what it is like these days).

You are spiralling and letting your intrusive thoughts control you.

Then you are being very unreasonable to try to control others.

Are you getting a decent amount of sleep?

Please see a GP as soon as you can.

Early motherhood is hard but it should not be like what you have described.

💐

I kept DC3 with me as a baby. I knew I had severe anxiety (almost lost him as a newborn), got some limited support but the basic advice was do what you're comfortable with and that it was fine to keep baby with me if I was happy to, and that it was only an issue if I felt I needed a break but couldn't have it because of the anxiety.

It improved over time. Be gentle with yourself and just take the baby with you to the party if you're more comfortable with that.

Ok, so I’ve read through all of the comments and would like to add that some people are just being straight up rude saying things like ‘batshit’ etc. I have suffered with anxiety for years in my younger years and thought I was ok but now that baby is here it is apparent these anxiety fears have come back. I would also like to add that I do let my partner take our baby out alone it was just at the very start (like first few weeks) that I wouldn’t. I think mums just have that instinctual feeling to protect baby even though things are irrational.

I do trust my parents but I am struggling to pass that trust onto trips outdoors, my son has never been with anyone alone for more than two/three hours. My dad once pushed my son out into the road with it looking. When me son was about 4 weeks old, my mum took my son out in the pram without mentioning anything to me so when I woke from my nap I was crying in a panic as one minute he was next to me then next he’s being taken to town. So I don’t know if things things have caused these fears. My parents aren’t the fittest of all but can care for baby in the basic needs. I don’t know how physically fit you have to be to make bottles, change nappies etc???

to the people that are being helpful and genuinely concerned or understanding, thank you! In a world of harsh judgement that’s really kind to hear.

i didn’t post for the nasty comments but someone to understand.

I do think you are overly anxious, but as a new mum you are entitled to be nervous about letting anyone take your baby out without you. It's not really that your parents are incompetent it's just your mind is full of 'what ifs' and the baby is still very small. I think your parents should be a bit more understanding and just stay home for a few hours, what is so urgent that they need to take the baby out?

Either you trust your mum to look after your baby or you don't. If you do then she should be able to take your baby out. If you don't then don't ask her to babysit.
The fact you think no-one but you can take your baby out is ridiculous. How would you feel if your husband said you couldn't take the baby out unless he was there?
I agree with others you do need to get help. This level of anxiety is really not healthy.

This is a bit of a drip feed. You didnt mention your parents are scatty.
I don't think you need to be very fit to change nappies or give bottles. Most 60 somethings could do it.

There were moments where I used to feel extremely on edge if someone picked up my baby. My inner voice was like “put my goddamn baby down!!”. It was a sign of mild post natal depression. It’s worth speaking to your GP or a therapist just to check in. My GP is rubbish but I found a lovely therapist, had a few sessions and got clarity. Are you being irrational? Maybe. But find me a new mum who isn’t at times. IMO it’s part of taking on the biggest responsibility with no training whilst on a hormone rollercoaster xx

So OP, what would YOU do to save your baby from a knife wielding crackhead, that your parents couldn't do? I mean, do you have superhuman strength? Are you a professional MMA fighter? Lightning fast reflexes and world record sprinting abilities?
I'm not saying that to be a smart arse, I'm just saying if you think about it rationally, I don't think there's much difference in protection between you and your parents.

Anyway, I'm not going to make any derogatory comments, that's bloody rude. You have anxiety. You know this, but you need to recognise that it may have been exacerbated recently through all the hormonal changes etc, so I really think you need to seek help. You don't want to get 3 years down the track and realise you've spent your little baby's first few years in an anxious mess and haven't been able to actually ENJOY your baby and enjoy being his mumma. You don't want to take that experience away from your husband either, by controlling what he does with his own child. And you also don't want to instil fear into child either.

As for your mum, YABU, but also she is. It's just 3 hours for goodness sake, I don't see why she can't just stay home this time. Maybe you can just be honest and explain how your anxiety is out of control at the moment, but you are going to see the GP etc to get help, and if she could please just this once stay home, and you will work on your anxiety re outings in time.

Anyone who ‘understands’ as you put it is also going to be suffering g with extreme anxiety or other mental disorder.

No one who thinks normally is going to understand this complete and utter irrational behaviour.

You are unwell and need to seek help. I’m surprised your husband hasn’t put his foot down and insist you seek treatment. Carry on with this behaviour and he may leave and then you’re faced with your child going away to stay with him for visits.

Sometimes patting someone gently on the hand and offering soothing words when a person’s behaviour is bizarre and detrimental to the welfare of the child (which if you carry on as you are, it will be) isn’t helpful.

You need to be told quite clearly that your thoughts and feelings are irrational, are making you ill and you are destroying relationships with your family and ultimately your child.

Please seek help and treatment.

You asked if you're being irrational and the answer is yes. Anxiety is horrible and it is irrational. Speak to your GP and get some help with it, because parenting is a long journey and you don't want to limit yourself and your little one with your fears. I think your mum could have been kinder but she is probably frustrated and hurt that you don't trust her.

Why don't you take your baby with you? Restaurants are very accommodating now and you can feed him there. He will probably sleep through most of it in his car seat or pram....if I was having a party I would not mind at all if a relative bought their small baby....its the rambunctious toddlers that I'm wary of!

If your dad pushed a pram into the road I don’t think I’d be trusting him with the baby at all , that is not anxiety it’s common sense . If your parents are that scatty I’d find a different baby sitter , far more accidents happen in the home than out of it .

Exactly. I didnt have this info when I suggested going to the GP.
Also for the pp who was furious because I suggested going to the GP, PND is not something to be ashamed of.
Are we at the stage where suggesting a GP to a new mum is arrogance? I hope not.

If you don't think your parents are fit enough mentally or physically to change a nappy or prepare a bottle you shouldn't ask them to babysit, you'll need to take your baby with you or find alternative arrangements.

Sounds like you need to take your baby with you or find other babysitters!

You posted asking if you were being irrational. The vast majority of posters are telling you yes, you are being irrational - but apparently that’s not what you wanted to hear.

We can feel sympathy for you because you are obviously suffering from great anxiety, which must be very difficult for you, but that doesn’t alter the fact that you are still being completely irrational and unreasonable.

Gently, don't leave your newborn with your mum (or anyone else) if you don't trust her with him. You can't have it both ways - leaving him with your mom because it's convenient, but expecting her not to pick him up from his pram even if the baby becomes distressed.

Until you reign in your new parent anxiety, it'll be better to keep your baby with you without outside help..

You acknowledge that you have anxiety, now you need to accept that it’s completely irrational. I’d urge you to get help before your child gets any older.

Absolutely.
I'm 69 and still capable of pushing a pram FGS.

OP you need to see your doctor.