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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Withdrawing my offer AIBU

134 replies

Marmaladelover · 26/07/2025 10:06

No not a house offer . ….
So I belong to a craft group , part of a larger club. We tutor it ourselves , me and a couple of others doing the lions share with maybe a dozen regular members and a few extras. Last month it was my turn again. Tutoring is completely free, members pay a nominal sum for materials only.

One person was booked to join in but on the day was sick , as she had paid for her kit, I gave it to her ( she turned up for it but couldn’t stay ) I was put on the spot but foolishly offered to write up instructions.

Then both my parents became seriously ill and I had to go away and visit in hospital , then look after at home. It was lucky both survived tbh. They are now on the mend. I’ll be visiting again soon when my siblings need to go home.

A few days ago , when just back , I got a reminder from her for the instructions promised. I wrote a line explaining what had happened and I would do it once I was sorted.

Then I got another email saying how “silly” I was to pander to my parents being ill , the implication being I should have used my time more wisely writing up her crappy instructions. I saw red and told her that I had not liked the tone of her email , being called “silly” for prioritising my parents. I withdrew my offer of the instructions. She is now furious, knowing her she will appeal to the club leader. I’m not being UR am I ? Just waiting for even more fallout tbh.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 29/07/2025 09:46

Id put in a complaint about her behaviour and request a suspension of her membership and a possible ban for her disgusting behaviour. Why would a voluntary club want memberships from people with this type of attitude?

MikeRafone · 29/07/2025 09:50

sorry I see it has moved on - its such a shame when the committee make excuses for bad behaviour, instead of just admitting its bad behaviour

Original poster
Marmaladelover · 29/07/2025 10:13

I have resigned from the committee purely because of the leaders “both sides comment - It's a great shame that these two ladies couldn't see each other's point of view.

After the vitriol poured out to me over the weekend , i felt that this was unfair and certainly gave the other committee members the impression it was less one sided than it was.

i want to stay on in the group so i have only resigned from the committee and the many roles i have ( about 3 ). I don't mind staying on as a craft tutor if expectations are reiterated to members.

If even one committee member gad contacted me i might have stayed . They didn’t , so I am off!

Thanks for all the overwhelming support on here . It was really appreciated .

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 29/07/2025 10:31

Marmaladelover · 29/07/2025 10:13

I have resigned from the committee purely because of the leaders “both sides comment - It's a great shame that these two ladies couldn't see each other's point of view.

After the vitriol poured out to me over the weekend , i felt that this was unfair and certainly gave the other committee members the impression it was less one sided than it was.

i want to stay on in the group so i have only resigned from the committee and the many roles i have ( about 3 ). I don't mind staying on as a craft tutor if expectations are reiterated to members.

If even one committee member gad contacted me i might have stayed . They didn’t , so I am off!

Thanks for all the overwhelming support on here . It was really appreciated .

That’s so nasty of the committee. You suffered from this cf. I’d say to leave the group completely. Find another group and enjoy your crafting again.

Dozer · 29/07/2025 10:36

Sorry you encountered this person while volunteering.

Group leader handled it poorly throughout. Unfair treatment of you by her.

Makes sense to withdraw from the committee and responsibilities. If there’s anyone from the group you like most would focus on interacting mostly with them.

GreenWheat · 29/07/2025 10:53

Goodness me, what a bunch of people pleasing fools the committee are. I just can't believe this wasn't nipped in the bud by the leader.

TheMimsy · 29/07/2025 11:14

I’m so sorry you experienced this. I do a lot of volunteering and act on many committees and think the leadership and business skills needed are massively underrated in some organisations.

Elmaas · 29/07/2025 11:27

I cannot stand when people think they are superior by being able to see both sides of a situation, when in fact it was cut and dried with one person being completely wrong and someone innocent.

I feel it is extremely dishonest and I will have no part in it.

I witnessed it in a situation involving a children's sport. I called it out, went very public and said my children would have no part of it.

It caused a lot of upset and people were very embarrassed to be exposed.

They are very wary of me to this day.

OP, you have done the right thing.

The Leader's actions are worse than that batshit womens behaviour IMO.

Cakeandusername · 29/07/2025 11:35

You’ve done the right thing. I’d look for another group.

MageQueen · 29/07/2025 11:35

Marmaladelover · 29/07/2025 10:13

I have resigned from the committee purely because of the leaders “both sides comment - It's a great shame that these two ladies couldn't see each other's point of view.

After the vitriol poured out to me over the weekend , i felt that this was unfair and certainly gave the other committee members the impression it was less one sided than it was.

i want to stay on in the group so i have only resigned from the committee and the many roles i have ( about 3 ). I don't mind staying on as a craft tutor if expectations are reiterated to members.

If even one committee member gad contacted me i might have stayed . They didn’t , so I am off!

Thanks for all the overwhelming support on here . It was really appreciated .

Thinking about this more, the behaviour is even more unacceptable becuase you were a volunteer tutor so they actually owe YOU more. You were providing a service for the group, for free, so it's entirely reasoable to expect particularly high standards of behaviour from those benefiting - both the committee and the users.

I also agree with @Elmaas This idea of "oh, there are always two sides" is actually bollocks. Sometimes, one side is just wrong. And the other side is not.

I actually feel very angry on your behalf but I think that's because it's bringing back bad memories.

Dozer · 29/07/2025 11:43

Agree @Elmaas

I experienced this at work with (IMO) difficult and unreasonable colleague. Insidious, subtle, passive/aggressive behaviour. When I finally took specific aspects of what had happened to my manager, manager and a peer or me and the colleague, who manager brought into it, took the ‘six of one, half dozen’ ‘you both need to sort this out’ approach, over time. It made matters worse with the colleague and I lost most of my trust in the manager and peer.

NewsdeskJC · 29/07/2025 12:14

I totally agree with pp. The whole its a mutual disagreement stance is unjust.
Good on you for resigning from the committee. Row right back on the rest of it and just fade it out. Thats what I would do.

Cakeandusername · 29/07/2025 12:24

I think sometimes committees and leaders forget you are volunteers.
I really don’t see what there was to see about the other ladies point of view.
Op is a volunteer at a craft club it’s not life or death. In the grand scheme of things family and paid work come first.
Her parents are seriously ill in hospital.
Read the blooming room and don’t be mithering her over some craft. Op had already gone above and beyond to give the kit when she’d missed session. The leader should have been saying to woman back off it’s not acceptable.

Original poster
Marmaladelover · 29/07/2025 12:37

Just been talking to a friend .

Apparently this lady firmly believes that anyone with an illness should just get on with it and not bother anyone else . ( except her of course who has carers and a support worker! )

She can think what she likes, I’ll look after my parents as much as I like !

OP posts:
Snazzysausage · 29/07/2025 13:31

Very disappointing response from the committee.
There is nothing to see in the other woman's point of view,other than she's a self centred,self entitled pipsqueak.

longtompot · 29/07/2025 15:01

edited as just seen it's moved on. How awful they didn't have your back. I feel you will be better off without that in your life tbh

One person was booked to join in but on the day was sick , as she had paid for her kit, I gave it to her ( she turned up for it but couldn’t stay ) I was put on the spot but foolishly offered to write up instructions

Using her words, it was ok for you to pander to her being ill but not looking after your parents who were very sick? How entitled is she!? Yanbu withdrawing your offer to write up the instructions & I would ask another group member to deal with her from now on.

I hope your parents are on the mend and back to full health now, or will be very soon💐

Original poster
Marmaladelover · 29/07/2025 15:48

Using her words, it was ok for you to pander to her being ill but not looking after your parents who were very sick? How entitled is she!? Yanbu withdrawing your offer to write up the instructions & I would ask another group member to deal with her from now on
@longtompot

Never thought of looking at it that way! Thank you!

OP posts:
Happyhettie · 29/07/2025 16:34

The committee are utterly ridiculous. It’s not six of one half a dozen of another or any other twaddle they have come up.
Her comments to you were nasty and you had other things which were more important than pandering to her.

honeylulu · 29/07/2025 17:22

Astonished by how the leader and committee have dealt with this. It smacks of a bunch of cowards using you to pacify a very difficult person for fear she would turn on one (or all) of them next.

Good for you resigning from the official positions, which they'll now have to cover. I doubt the pain the arse woman will be stepping up to help. I hope they are more pleasant to you from now on especially considering you are still willing to tutor.

I hope your parents are OK.

MikeRafone · 29/07/2025 20:37

Marmaladelover · 29/07/2025 12:37

Just been talking to a friend .

Apparently this lady firmly believes that anyone with an illness should just get on with it and not bother anyone else . ( except her of course who has carers and a support worker! )

She can think what she likes, I’ll look after my parents as much as I like !

There wasn't two sides to this

the other person criticised you for looking after your parents when they were ill. then you called her out on this behaviour in a diplomatic way, as it was at least impolite and at worst disgusting behaviour

there isn't another side

to be fair id write back to the committee and suggest they realise that its one sided - rudeness not being accepted which doesn't make two sides to a disagreement.

You've come this far and why should you take a blame for something you didn't do

Original poster
Marmaladelover · 29/07/2025 21:39

MikeRafone · 29/07/2025 20:37

There wasn't two sides to this

the other person criticised you for looking after your parents when they were ill. then you called her out on this behaviour in a diplomatic way, as it was at least impolite and at worst disgusting behaviour

there isn't another side

to be fair id write back to the committee and suggest they realise that its one sided - rudeness not being accepted which doesn't make two sides to a disagreement.

You've come this far and why should you take a blame for something you didn't do

Show quote history

I already have . Yesterday I pointed out it hadn’t been 2 sided and called out the leader for saying so. I sent the whole committee all the emails ( including the intial polite ones to show them. I had no reply , nada . 24 hours later I resigned. They had their chance. I have reached out to friends IRL who have been supportive. Meeting one in a few days and they will be there at meetings to sit beside.

OP posts:
Elmaas · 29/07/2025 21:43

Well done OP.
Circulate the emails and show the committee up for the spineless wimps that they are.
You are well out of it.

Aoppley · 30/07/2025 07:16

Marmaladelover · 29/07/2025 21:39

I already have . Yesterday I pointed out it hadn’t been 2 sided and called out the leader for saying so. I sent the whole committee all the emails ( including the intial polite ones to show them. I had no reply , nada . 24 hours later I resigned. They had their chance. I have reached out to friends IRL who have been supportive. Meeting one in a few days and they will be there at meetings to sit beside.

Show quote history

Well done, OP.

I think people in this committee must dislike you or have something personal against you. You mentioned you've had arguments over different opinions previously - I'm guessing this could be why.

Hope this doesn't make the group unpleasant for you in the future xx

Original poster
Marmaladelover · 30/07/2025 08:24

Aoppley · 30/07/2025 07:16

Well done, OP.

I think people in this committee must dislike you or have something personal against you. You mentioned you've had arguments over different opinions previously - I'm guessing this could be why.

Hope this doesn't make the group unpleasant for you in the future xx

Show quote history

Gender Critical views i think.

OP posts:
MageQueen · 30/07/2025 09:42

Marmaladelover · 30/07/2025 08:24

Gender Critical views i think.

Show quote history

Well this makes sense. They're of the view that women should accomodate anyone and anything, even if it's to their detriment. AND you have a "reputation" for being difficult. Sorry OP, I'm not sure about this one long term for you.