Withdrawing my offer AIBU

[Marmaladelover]

No not a house offer . ….
So I belong to a craft group , part of a larger club. We tutor it ourselves , me and a couple of others doing the lions share with maybe a dozen regular members and a few extras. Last month it was my turn again. Tutoring is completely free, members pay a nominal sum for materials only.

One person was booked to join in but on the day was sick , as she had paid for her kit, I gave it to her ( she turned up for it but couldn’t stay ) I was put on the spot but foolishly offered to write up instructions.

Then both my parents became seriously ill and I had to go away and visit in hospital , then look after at home. It was lucky both survived tbh. They are now on the mend. I’ll be visiting again soon when my siblings need to go home.

A few days ago , when just back , I got a reminder from her for the instructions promised. I wrote a line explaining what had happened and I would do it once I was sorted.

Then I got another email saying how “silly” I was to pander to my parents being ill , the implication being I should have used my time more wisely writing up her crappy instructions. I saw red and told her that I had not liked the tone of her email , being called “silly” for prioritising my parents. I withdrew my offer of the instructions. She is now furious, knowing her she will appeal to the club leader. I’m not being UR am I ? Just waiting for even more fallout tbh.

Let the leader sort it out now. Step back and disengage with any gathering that involves this rude lady.

Tbh I'd step out of the group for a while til things settle down. Or find a new group.

And yes I suspect this woman will try to create a big kerfuffle over this, no matter how you try there's no coming back til she leaves.

The group leaders made their choice imo now they live with it.

Tell her to go fuck herself. Cheeky entitled bitch. Tell everyone exactly what she said to you as well. I would be fucking livid.

Another update
Her resignation has been accepted but in the email informing the rest of the committee, the leader has used a “both sides” argument and in a WhatsApp message been a bit sarcastic about my “eloquence”at my brief summary in response giving my side . Responses back from the rest of the committee understandably saying what a sad situation she had to resign.

i have sent all the emails to all the committee so they can see for themselves if they want.

@Marmaladelover all I can say is any reasonable person would see she burned her bridges when she dragged your family commitments into it. Bang out of order. I hope the committee peeps will see that. Maybe it’s just the ‘public facing’ version (I mean public to committee not outside). Grrrr on your behalf.

The leader really needs to give her head a wobble - 'both sides' indeed!

Good for you for standing up for yourself and for sharing the communications with the others. The complaining person is doubtless used to everyone pandering to her. It's like the emperor's new clothes - she can say what she likes and nobody is supposed to notice? No. It's not doing anyone any favours. Had you capitulated, not only would the complainer be emboldened to continue and even increase these behaviours, but this type of low-level stress can affect your sleep and your mood for days.
It's absolutely for the best that she leaves and well done for pointing out that you were ready to leave yourself over this.

I hope you don't feel alone and that others in the group openly support you.

There are so many clubs that get way too comfortable relying on dependable volunteers holding things together, that the leaders start treating the volunteers like crap then act shocked at people walking out, leaving the club high and dry. I walked away from a club I enjoyed after being treated as an unpaid employee by the committee and being berated for stuff that was nothing to do with me, when I left two others followed a few weeks later and the club shut down completely within four months. I don't miss the daily phone calls, giving up every weekend, being shouted at, being on the receiving end of snotty comments that were trying to humiliate me. I do miss the sport but by the end I wasn't getting to do the sport as I was basically paying my club fees to do admin work.

Onwards and upwards OP, hope you have the support of others in the group or find a new group.

This is a problem with getting into arguments, blame often not distributed fairly. I remember getting into a row with someone very unreasonable when I was in my 20s and expecting the fact that they were in the wrong to stand in my favour. I still got the both sides argument. So frustrating.

Jesus christ, the leader is absolutely spineless. She should have said, "We have accepted Cheeky Cow's resignation following unacceptable remarks made earlier this week to one of our valued volunteers"

I'm so angry on your behalf, OP!! Why do they care if this rude woman resigns?!

Do you feel comfortable still being part of this group after this??

I can barely believe someone would call you silly when you explained both your parents nearly died. 'Silly'?! Does she know what that word means?

I'd have responded by saying the only thing that's 'silly' is her appalling uncompassionate attitude and entitlement. And 'try googling the instructions, unless you really are that silly that you can't work out how to do that. And please do tell the leader, I'll have already forwarded your rude email to them so they'll be expecting to speak to you.'

Good grief, it's a craft hobby group, not a government defence committee! Nobody has time for that kind of crap. Run away from the lot of them, OP. The leader sounds completely useless. And has this unhinged woman not got access to YouTube?!? There's a tutorial for everything on there!

What a bitch!

what i really hate is that when one person behaves like this, there's still this "both sides" bullshit and no one else is wililng to stand up and say, "No, this is not acceptable."

I'm sorry that the group are letting you down a bit. Hopefully once this woman has gone you can get back into things. But I think you need to be prepared to feel a bit disappointed and less enthusiastic because of the committee's response.

Once witnessed at a church craft hobby group one lady in her late 70's clobber an older lady in a wheelchair outside the church... Over hierarchy of the bloody craft group.
If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I would never have believed it..
I only went to give my mate a lift home.

Thems with knitting needles and crochet hooks aren't always trustworthy ime!!

Seriously op don’t volunteer there again. There’s other groups who would appreciate you.

Wow she sounds unhinged! I hope your parents recover soon

Why would you want to carry on at that place? What a load of arseholes.

I’d start my own group without either the leader or any of the drama the arsehole wants to create.

Something similar happened to me a while back in a group I created. I left after two women were racist and unpleasant. I confronted them and left.

Slowly all of the others messaged me separately and asked if we could meet separately. Which we do without the two witches who feel affronted. And which I secretly rather enjoy.

Not sure , i don't want to leave the whole group which is why i ate a bit of humble pie and tried to clear the air.

Not sure about staying on the committee though . Ill see if i get any private support and then resign if I don’t .

Already burnt some bridges by being gender critical at committee. Don’t think they will see it as any loss if I do.

I wouldn’t go anywhere group where leader has shown she’s not listened to you and acted so weakly. If there’s a serious allegation made in future eg you touching someone or stealing she’ll hang you out to dry.

Aah, but it will be.

I was on the PTA. Spent a few years as chair/co-chair and we worked really hard to be inclusive and make improvements. Successfully. When I stepped down from committee, I remained on the PTA. Until there was an incident not entirely different to the one you are experiencing (not quite the same, but similar sort of thing). Anyway, after that, I stepped back and refused to have anything to do with the PTA. A number o fothe rpeople, aroudn the same time, also stepped away.

We are on the verge of having to cancel the school summer and christmas fairs because they can't get volunteers. Because the reality is that they've made it so unpleasant the people who made the effort aren't willing and with people like us gone, all the others who could be cajoled into helping out aren't being.

The same will happen with your group, I'm sure.

She sounds deranged!

Disappointing response from the group leader - sounds like she is trying to cover her back and falling over herself in the process. I’m not sure I’d want to be part of a group which isn’t able to name bad behaviour for what it is - and call it out.

It would appear that the group leader is in need of a pair of tweezers -- to pull the splinters out of her arse. Hopefully you'll get better support from others in the committee OP.