Withdrawing my offer AIBU

[Marmaladelover]

No not a house offer . ….
So I belong to a craft group , part of a larger club. We tutor it ourselves , me and a couple of others doing the lions share with maybe a dozen regular members and a few extras. Last month it was my turn again. Tutoring is completely free, members pay a nominal sum for materials only.

One person was booked to join in but on the day was sick , as she had paid for her kit, I gave it to her ( she turned up for it but couldn’t stay ) I was put on the spot but foolishly offered to write up instructions.

Then both my parents became seriously ill and I had to go away and visit in hospital , then look after at home. It was lucky both survived tbh. They are now on the mend. I’ll be visiting again soon when my siblings need to go home.

A few days ago , when just back , I got a reminder from her for the instructions promised. I wrote a line explaining what had happened and I would do it once I was sorted.

Then I got another email saying how “silly” I was to pander to my parents being ill , the implication being I should have used my time more wisely writing up her crappy instructions. I saw red and told her that I had not liked the tone of her email , being called “silly” for prioritising my parents. I withdrew my offer of the instructions. She is now furious, knowing her she will appeal to the club leader. I’m not being UR am I ? Just waiting for even more fallout tbh.

She called you spiteful? Good grief.

I'd just do a 'heads up' email to the leader. Keep it factual. Any more nonsense and withdraw any teaching forthwith.

She sounds unbelievably entitled and unhinged tbh. The fact she came back calling you spiteful just highlights how nasty she is. Agree with pp - let your group leader know the details beforehand. If they don't support you, I wouldn't be having anything further to do with them. Hope your parents are better OP.

Unfortunately when we volunteer our time/skills for free some people do not place any value on our contributions. From reading OP's original post, she has got the kit she paid for and you owe her nothing more. Hope all is well with your parents.

Ok I have written to the leaders .on all your advice -thank you !
I will update if I hear anything. I really do not want to tutor a group with her there any more, so I hope they support me.

It never ceases to amaze me how selfish and entitled some people can be towards others who are kindly doing something for free!

You owe her absolutely nothing OP, I would block her now to spare yourself any further rude messages, and forward details to the leadership. They should know how badly she's behaved and be ready to take action if she keeps it up. As someone else said, if your group doesn't already have a code of conduct, it should introduce one sharpish.

Wishing your parents a speedy recovery.

Edit: x post, well done, you're absolutely in the right here, hope the leadership support you.

Unless you have massively misinterpreted her email, you are of course not being unreasonable.

Stupid, weak woman - pandering to her own illness (she probably wasn't anyway) and pissing off home instead of staying for the session in the first place.

Sincerely hope she's on here & reading what a twat she is.

Update: Long email back from leader . Lady has tendered her resignation.
Response from leader : It would be good if you could have a word with x to clear the air and to convince her that her presence is still welcome. I would hope that she will change her mind.

i have written back suggesting that she accepts it otherwise she will have another resignation from me! ! I have no intention of “clearing the air”!

She called you selfish??!!
People never cease to amaze me. What a horrible thing to say to you! You must have been so worried about your parents and then to get back and receive that message 😳

I am so glad your parents are much better. I wish them a speedy recovery. And I wish the complaining woman to always find her cups of tea slightly too cold.

You are not even in the slightest bit unreasonable.
I hope the leaders support you 100%

Cross post - Ive just seen your update. The leaders are asking you to clear the air??!! WTF!! She needs to apologise to you. It’s not for you to ‘make amends’ or whatever stupid arse phrase will be banded about.

Leader’s reasoning :

and I also know that x doesn't find life easy and can be very confusing in the wording of her emails sometimes, …..We all have external pressures on us, whether they're familial, work-related, health problems or general commitments, but we shouldn't let these issues affect our relationships with others.

WTAF she has obviously never heard of boundaries either . People do pander to this lady , because she is disabled . However in my view even disabled people do not have the excuse to be rude and insensitive .

TBH i am lost for words

It sounds like people are worried they will be labeled as discriminating against her that they will do anything to keep her happy. I think this lady knows this and uses it to her advantage.

I can't see how you have done anything wrong. It was lovely of you to offer to do the instructions and it sounds like you would have still done them despite everything you had going on if she hadn't been so rude. Most people would have been understanding when you emailed to say what had been going on and would have told you not to worry.

I hope she doesn't make things awkward in this group for you.

'fuck off' is a great instruction imo.

Good grief. Your leader is utterly ridiculous. So you can be called silly and selfish but you’re not allowed to say that that it isn’t appropriate?!

I think @Roserunner has nailed it

Just because someone has a disability it doesn’t mean they can be unkind to people.

I’d be asking your leader what part of the message from this woman was ‘confusing’!

I think that it would have been better to get in contact with the group leader forwarding the email rather than responding direct. Then they could have explained in vague terms your absence and taken over the delivery of instruction. This lady’s ability to continue to access the group is rightly the main issue.

Are you sure she was being intentionally rude rather than displaying social communication issues? Perhaps try reading your leader’s comments in this respect or just speak to them.

ATM your playing top trumps over reasonable adjustment for known disability and your own personal circumstances. Assuming you volunteer for a group inclusive to those with physical and communication disabilities you won’t ‘win’. You can resign obviously but it will just be concluded that your suitability was the issue.

Oh we all have to "Be Kind".... regardless of the situation or the persons involved... didn't you get the memo?😕
This is why I don't 'do' clubs etc.... just won't tolerate this nonsense...

Another one for the CF Thread..

I LOVE how you're advocating for yourself. Good for you

I think this would really sour the group for me and would leave.

They can then have the other lady back which is what it appears they ultimately want

Fuck me, your group leader is a spineless twat!!

Don’t let that nasty woman try to hold your group to ransom and I’m sure that the other group members will back you.

You always get the odd ‘Mary’ in these groups but luckily in my sewing/craft group (that’s been going for about 10yrs now), we’ve learnt to sniff them out early before they can become a fixture. Anyone who joins the group does so on a probationary basis initially to ensure they fit in and they’re not cheeky fuckers.

We don’t have a group leader as such but we have members with particular strengths: garment sewing, quilting, embroidery, weaving etc. and they might run a session to share their knowledge.

We have one member who likes to ‘be kind’ but she gets over-ruled by the majority who won’t tolerate bullshit. I suspect she’s secretly pleased that at least 3 of us have an excellent bullshit radar and are pretty assertive mainly due to our previous employment roles so she never has to have the tricky conversation. 😂

Reading your update OP, your group leader needs to recalibrate the balance between being inclusive and retaining skilled volunteer activity leaders. It's one thing biting your tongue over the odd rude comment from someone who is socially awkward. But quite another to expect volunteers to put up with a vicious diatribe aimed at your family. This woman needs to be told that she absolutely cannot speak to people like that, social issues or not.

I don't know what the kit is but can't she look on YouTube, there's videos for just about everything. Rude woman .

I’d be appalled at the woman chasing and the response from group leader. I’d step away from group and say why.