To ask for help over my children's behaviour

[Imissgoldengrahams]

I can't lie I'm at my wits end. I have 4 children
In the past 24 hours my 8 year old has stolen money out of my suitcase (Not long back from holiday so haven't unpacked) and gone over to the shop and got sweets
She took pens upstairs and has drawn all over her pillow and her sheet.

Two days after we got back from holiday she had a friend in the house to play, she let this kid through her brand new lego (from the aforementioned holiday) out of the window and now the bits are lost and you can't build it back up

Another friend she has, will come in and take everything out of her cupboard, on hangers and my daughter just let's her, they chuck the clothes about her room. So I've banned her from coming bsck in

They found my partners permanent marker (by going through his work bag) and they've drawn all over our kitchen chairs with their names and various numbers

I'm really struggling, I don't know what to do. They go out to play and they end up throwing stones at the house, so they get grounded.

They hit each other all of the time, they kick and spit at each other or on the walls

I don't know what to do anymore. If I ask why they've done something, I just get 'dunno'

He would be at work

The Peppa Pig Muddy puddles game is perfect for a 3yo, a big hit in our house even the older kids secretly liked it.

hungry hippos
the fishing game
crocodile snap game
snakes and ladders
bingo (she could be in charge of spinning the wheel and helping call numbers)

You could adjust other games, 5 second rule we would ask our youngest age appropriate questions like name 3 couloirs or give her an extra 5 seconds on her turn. We like trivial pursuit games and would make up questions for the children when younger like who is Peppa Pigs best friend, how many fingers do you have and so on so they could still be part of the game. We always had a colouring book out in case the youngest got bored she’d distract herself with the colouring or give her a job like had the right piece of pie over when someone won.

So you live in a city but there is absolutely no childcare options that your partner could drive them to before and after work? There’s not a chance that there are no other parents working full time and relying on childcare in your area.

What are you going to do after summer holidays?

How do you manage with the school run op?

I think I agree with PP. These days 4 children is a lot and this whole lifestyle with no local holiday childcare and your only family support being someone too disabled to take them out can't be sustainable. While it's great that they are settled in their school I don't see how you can hold down your job and meet their needs without appropriate childcare.

My 10 year old takes himself, I walk the other three around

I genuinely don't know any other working parents
Or everyone works part time around their partner

After the holidays they will be in school

Well that’s good that you can do the school run around your full-time job.

I couldn’t do that as my dc were in different schools with different start and finish times.

Most parents work. I don't know how you wouldn't know any. Unless you mean that you don't see them day to day, because they're at work.
What will you do after school? Given you seem to work afternoon/evening and partner gets home tea time. Disabled relative again?

Even if you don’t know them personally their will be children with either two parents working full time or a single parent who works full time in your city, you just need to look harder for holiday childcare. There may still be some with places available. If you’re comfortable saying your city we can help you look.

What about before and after school, and the 3 year old plus other half terms and end of term breaks? You need some childcare that isn’t a disabled relative who can’t take the children out.

Partner will be home in time to get them from school
I live on a council estate, most parents are on benefits

Yes, even other school holidays will have to be my family member
I only know of one child minder in the area and they don't have space for 4 children

I am very surprised at the lack of any holiday club locally to you, or one your partner could drop the children at before work and collect after.
Have you called the school that does have a childcare provision as although they may base it at one school they do often take children from other schools too.
I am also surprised that no one else near you works. Most people where I live are in households where both parents work, so I am guessing you are in an area where people are very fortunate and live off the salary of one breadwinner or unfortunate and living off benefits. Do you have a chat group for any of your children's year groups where you could ask what other people do?

You mention not being able to afford childcare, have you looked at HAF schemes? Contact your local council to see if you qualify. They will also be able to give you a proper list of childcare which you might not be aware of. Although as you then go on to say you have a good job I am not sure you would meet the requirements.

It does sound like your disabled family member is struggling. You sound like you find it hard yourself, so for them if they are unable to take them out it must be even harder. I agree with previous posts that being indoors all day is asking for trouble. I have two children and can't imagine being home all day with just them, so it must be harder with 4.
We do tend to look at things we can do at home - baking, craft activities, Lego, things like drawing (YouTube videos you can copy), reading challenge from the library, but we very much have to structure the day and have a plan.

Would a nanny be better? You might be able to find someone who can work for the whole summer and they often drive and would be able to take the kids out. A nanny would also be cheaper than other forms of childcare potentially.

If you start work mid morning, and partner gets home mid afternoon, I don't understand why you're having so much trouble occupying your DC to be honest. There's only a few hours to fill in between. Definitely need to focus on nailing some routine.

My partner starts first thing in the morning, most clubs are 9 or 10 so no he wouldn't even be at the house to help out

Surely 3 year old will be going to nursery then?

There will definitely be other holiday childcare options in your city for the older ones. This “arrangement” isn’t fair on your child, you, or your relative.

You need to send them to holiday club, its not working. A disabled person can't manage that many children!

OP you live in a city not rurally. Two able bodied adults in the house who presumably can use google and find clubs/camps/a babysitter. Two FT salaries. One who drives.
and your best childcare option for 4 children (at least 1 who is aggressive, bored from 5am, and running away from home) for the summer holidays is a disabled person who can’t even take the kids out to the park.

I really don’t understand how and why you both think this is adequate childcare for the holidays and why you make literally no effort to make any changes (apart from
kinetic sand).
presumably even 2 children would be easier for relative to watch than 4. Even a babysitter might struggle with 4.

Yes OP hasn’t taken anything from this thread on board unfortunately, even now she thinks disabled relative is fine for childcare and isn’t even considering finding alternatives

There are clubs from 8. He can also adjust hours to help with drop offs or childcare.
what’s your long term plan? How do you think this situation can improve as you reject nearly every suggestion here

Unfortunately your situation is unsustainable. Your four children deserve to be adequately looked after at all times. Really it should be more than adequate. Your current system is not working. Much more direct action is needed. Either you or your partner change jobs/hours or you move. Or even both. Yes you will be poorer financially perhaps but you don’t seem to have a choice.

I think my suggestion of paying a nanny has got lost/been ignored. They come to your home and will probably be cheaper than paying for all to go to a holiday club. They also are likely to drive and maybe have access to a large vehicle to take them all out, or at least would be able to walk and take them to the park or anywhere local.

We are in debt with rent and council tax so moving isn't an option
We couldn't afford to move
I can't drop hours as I've literally just started this job. I work an hour away from my home so taking a longer lunch isn't an option
My partner isn't able to change his hours either
Family member is only doing it for another 5 days, I will ask if they can take them out but I'm not sure if its manageable

I've actually just posted on the local group for finding childminders and having scrolled through posts from May, that have gone unanswered, these people are all from my area looking for childcare for 1 or 2 children, just kind of proves my point there isn't many things like that around here

Flexible working requests are now a day one right. Can you both start searching for jobs closer to home?