To ask for help over my children's behaviour

[Imissgoldengrahams]

I can't lie I'm at my wits end. I have 4 children
In the past 24 hours my 8 year old has stolen money out of my suitcase (Not long back from holiday so haven't unpacked) and gone over to the shop and got sweets
She took pens upstairs and has drawn all over her pillow and her sheet.

Two days after we got back from holiday she had a friend in the house to play, she let this kid through her brand new lego (from the aforementioned holiday) out of the window and now the bits are lost and you can't build it back up

Another friend she has, will come in and take everything out of her cupboard, on hangers and my daughter just let's her, they chuck the clothes about her room. So I've banned her from coming bsck in

They found my partners permanent marker (by going through his work bag) and they've drawn all over our kitchen chairs with their names and various numbers

I'm really struggling, I don't know what to do. They go out to play and they end up throwing stones at the house, so they get grounded.

They hit each other all of the time, they kick and spit at each other or on the walls

I don't know what to do anymore. If I ask why they've done something, I just get 'dunno'

Testing boundaries. Needs nipping in the bud

do you home school? How do they get to school?
you have no park/wood/field/playground in walking distance? The kids don’t have bikes
and scooters?

OP in the kindest possible way you must have realized that it’s not sustainable to keep kids inside for the whole summer holidays with a childcarer who can’t look after them properly?
did you not make any plans for the summer? What do the other kids in your village do?

I feel so sorry for the kids.

I am sorry, people are giving you solutions and you just try to find problems. Your child needs you and is looking for attention. It is very worrying how little supervision she has - and yes you could lock the door and put the key in somewhere she can’t get to. Your childcare is not appropriate and you’ve put your own child in danger frankly and you need to prioritise spending money on proper childcare. The activities you do with your child don’t need to be expensive - they can be walks or an interest she may have. You have 3 others but they are not yet displaying this behaviour (yet) so focus on being with the 8 year old. Read books together, watch tv together, have at least one day with just the 8 year old for now and maybe just talk with them! At school they are getting security, support and attention.

What about your partner? And what do the other local parents do for childcare?

Sorry but having 4 children, no childcare, not being able to drive, and apparently living far away from everything was always going to be a recipe for disaster. I would prioritise finding a way to get them to some sort of club next year even if your partner needs to make a flexible working request or use leave to facilitate it.

Focus on surviving this summer and planning for next.

I'm really not trying to find problems, the only holiday club I have seen is around 40-45 minutes away, its 35 a day, per child
My youngest wouldn't be able to go. And one of my children are very scared of things like that and wouldn't go.

I don't actually know any other parents that work. Or if they work its for a few hours in the evening, when their partner gets back. Which is what I used to have until I was landed a very good career

No, the school is close by. A ten minute walk and we have a park across the road

Yes they have bikes and scooters, that they haven't touched in months because they are bored of them

I've already taken them on a weeks holiday, they had various trips out to swimming and the farm when I wasn't at work but now I need to work

Other children are from families with just one parent, so they often go to the dads for chunks of time or their grandparents but we are across the road from the park so most of the children are allowed there

See I really have, I'll admit I'm not a very good parent and I probably had more kids without ever really thinking about it but its sort of done now and I have to try my best, which is what I am doing
I've asked my mum for help and all I get is "you were never a bad child"
But I've had a bit of insight on this thread about other activities such as kinetic sand and maybe some new crafts that the family member would be capable of supervising and cleaning up

They love a board game but its tricky trying to find something the 3 year old would be able to play but maybe even something new would help

We are going out today to a bigger park, which is two bus rides away (easier than making them all walk) so hoping that does help and will take a picnic etc
School holidays were never this bad because I was working part time so I just got them out or my partner was able to do half days and we all went out together

Family member is only doing it for another week as going on their own holiday so my partner will finish early and is going to be more productive in getting them out and about and moving

The way she is at school makes it sound like she thrives with routine, structure and being busy. You could try making a visual timetable and sticking to a routine a bit like the school day. Maybe give her some tasks that involve the little ones so she feels a sense of responsibility. Reading them a book, setting the table for them at lunch, cutting some fruit for a snack. Try and stick to similar timings every day so they know what is coming eg 6am- breakfast (8yo cuts up some fruit for everyone) 6.30-wash and get dressed 7am-play with toys whilst you clean up and get yourself ready. 8am- tidy toys then structured activity with an adult eg crafts.

I never wanted to label my children as bad, I know a lot of it comes down to me and lack of parenting. Its been exhausting and there doesn't ever seem to be any break from it
The 8 year old has been awake since 5, I've lost count of how many times she has said she is bored
She won't do anything quietly, even going to the toilet she will jump there and slam doors as she's purposely trying to wake everyone up
She is full on from the second her eyes ping open and she isn't the kind to just sit down

Since you have a family member for childcare, couldn't you just send some of the kids to a club? Doesn't have to be every day either.
Such a spread in ages you're never going to find things they can all do, which I suspect is part of the problem. Divide and rule.

I agree they need structure -
my minder is young so I give lots of directions.
i also print a table for them
it s just days if the week divided into morning afternoon and evening

fill the spaces with the activity and chores

8 year old can be leader for the younger ones - if she s good in school at helping give her a role at home! She needs to be the leader for the minder. She can tick off the activities from the list as they get done.

include chores - even 3 year olds can put their shoes in the right place and get a cheer for doing so.

i found also that my kids needed inspiration to get them started on games - why not watch how to make an obstacle course with your kids and then sss if they can figure out how to make their own ?

good luck summer holidays are exhausting and challenging

My 9 year old likes following YouTube videos to make art projects or draw pictures - she s not usually alllwed screen time but she will spend an hour or so following instructions for drawing cute squishmallow - Would somthing like that work? Maybe if she stays in bed until 6 or an agreed time she can have access to her up and draw quietly and gets rewarded at the weekend if she manages this fkd a few days in a row ?

re the chalks - my kids love to draw an obstacle course https://food.unl.edu/free-resource/how-create-sidewalk-chalk-obstacle-course/

or make a giant racing track for cars

outdoor obstacle course

also if they love board games then they could make their own board game outside ?

or inside with paper ?

home made slime or could dough or play dough of different colours is also fun

OP if you have a good career why isn’t their money for summer camp? Can you send the older two?

I think you’ve said you don’t know many parents where both work. I only know a handful of mothers who don’t work. The kids are in camps or other childcare.

You need a better solution than a bit of kinetic sand.

Does 8 year old have a blackout blind? What time did she go to bed at? Was she full enough? Is she eating too much sugar?

This situation isn’t working. It’s unfair on your kids. And I do feel empathy for you, but you can’t afford to wallow. You need to step up.

Why can’t you learn to drive?

I’m not going to wade in about poor boundary setting as others have commented on that. How about sending the 8 yr old to holiday club? She seems to be the real issue here and getting her out of the family dynamic seems crucial.
Second thing- there seems to be a lot of negativity when any options for change are discussed ie we can’t do this or that because everything’s too near or far, try to open your mind to solutions.
Final thing - an 8yr old leaving the house by herself is a safeguarding issue - something to think about?

I agree with all of this. Everyone I know who works has kids at camps, hired a babysitter or has grandparents who watch them. personally I don’t know any mothers of older children who don’t work.
summer holidays are expensive (club, outings, additional childcare) but as a parent of 4 it can’t have come as a surprise that summer holidays come round every year! Presumably they also have access to HMRC funded childcare accounts.

They both sound completely underprepared. Also sounds like all children need more exercise, fresh air and activities (don’t like walking, don’t go to the park, don’t like their bikes). No wonder the 8 year old is bored, aggressive and angry.

I have only just started the job.
Most of the clubs are now off until August, the only one I can find is the 4th of August 9-12
And its two bus rides away, I wouldn't manage to get them all down there and back and to work in time
My partner wouldn't have even finished work to be able to collect them

I genuinely don't think driving is for me. Its also very expensive

Nobody here labelled your children. Yes it’s tiring, you have 4 I am sure that’s a lot. But you have also dismissed 90% of suggestions and advice here. If want to
be solution focused and change this situation, you need to sit down w your partner and implement some changes. Otherwise it will get worse and worse until they are teenagers and then it’s too late.
you have a good career, so why is there no money for decent childcare and some clubs?

Honestly OP you've got 4 kids in an apparently rural area. You must make the effort either to drive or to take two buses when necessary.

More excuses excuse excuses

Why did you even start this thread?

Have you thought of getting her an indoor trampette/mini trampoline? Or doing a YouTube exercise video?

You could engage her in something a bit energetic if she won’t sit quietly. Get a bit if vintage Mr Motivator on, and do it together, not just leave her to it, do it with her!

Edited to add, if you do want to do crafty/sitting down activities, you need to do it with her. You can’t expect her to just sit down and do it herself. You need to engage with her.

Surely if you can get them to school in term time you could get them to holiday club now? Is there nothing at their school?

but the school is in walking distance and a shop and park across the road. How rural can it be that there is nothing else 40mins away?

My neighbour can’t drive and cycles everywhere with her kids, toddler on her bike on a seat. If you want to, there are solutions.

There genuinely isn't many camps around here, the ones at the start of the holiday are all held in the high school over the other side of town.
I know a parent who's youngest is 8 year old and she doesn't work
A parent youngest who is 3, doesn't work
A parent who's youngest is 11, doesn't work
A parent who's youngest is 8, doesn't work
A parent whose youngest is 10 and she works very part time in the local shop

There was activities over the road at the community centre which the shop is at, but there were for people who have a membership through benefits
I tried to email if I could just pay but they never responded

The local judo club have a holiday club, its one hour a day in August for 4 days

Its really rubbish and I would love to move but again money, and I feel my children would really struggle with a new school

Maybe try rewarding good behaviour instead. A reward chart as grounding isn't working she's obviously not bothered by this

No the school have never done a holiday club, they don't have after school club either
The only other school is about 20 minutes away and does have a holiday club but they have to go to that school to be able to attend