To ask for help over my children's behaviour

[Imissgoldengrahams]

I can't lie I'm at my wits end. I have 4 children
In the past 24 hours my 8 year old has stolen money out of my suitcase (Not long back from holiday so haven't unpacked) and gone over to the shop and got sweets
She took pens upstairs and has drawn all over her pillow and her sheet.

Two days after we got back from holiday she had a friend in the house to play, she let this kid through her brand new lego (from the aforementioned holiday) out of the window and now the bits are lost and you can't build it back up

Another friend she has, will come in and take everything out of her cupboard, on hangers and my daughter just let's her, they chuck the clothes about her room. So I've banned her from coming bsck in

They found my partners permanent marker (by going through his work bag) and they've drawn all over our kitchen chairs with their names and various numbers

I'm really struggling, I don't know what to do. They go out to play and they end up throwing stones at the house, so they get grounded.

They hit each other all of the time, they kick and spit at each other or on the walls

I don't know what to do anymore. If I ask why they've done something, I just get 'dunno'

I realise it looks like I am rejecting every option but I have checked all the usual sites to find a club
The only one I have found is for Tennis, which is for four hours for only four days.
This is 38£ for the four hours and is currently unaffordable for us.
Its also 1 hour away so I wouldn't manage to get there and back and leave for work.
The family member is needed for 2 hours, 2 and a half max.
Have taken them out today, their behaviour hasn't really changed. Got to the massive park thats 2 bus rides away, soon as we got there "I'm bored"
Took more time to get to the park than we even spent there

You have an adult sitting in your house. You just need someone to actually do stuff with your kids.

None of it is ideal but is there a teen in a neighbouring house who would like to earn some money by coming in for a few hours a day and entertaining your children?

Everything is just really far away. My partner gets to his work pretty quickly but if I walked it, it would take me about 1.5 hours
I was working at a job that was 15 min away on the bus but to walk it its about half hour
And I've only just started, in six month of job searching I never found anything more than part time

How are they only needed for 2 and a half hours but there’s not time for either of you to pick up or drop off for childcare?

So the children are only been unsupervised by disabled relative from 12 until 3. So you can take them out in the morning to burn off some energy and DP can take them out after 3?

Well this answers all of your questions. I don't blame them for their behaviour, they need stimulation. Can you and your partner take some holiday days separately to break up the summer?

I don’t really get this. I originally thought that disabled relative couldn’t do anything much with the kids, hence why they’re turning feral because of no boundaries etc but you’re now saying that the relative only needs to supervise for 2/2 and a half hours. So why aren’t you doing things with them before relative takes over and partner once relative can leave??? Bonkers!
Oh and if your job is new then how did you envisage the long summer holidays to pan out when relative clearly isn’t capable of effective childcare?
What are you going to do once relative goes on holiday in a few days?

Honestly OP I think you just need to take a step back here and start thinking of things for yourself- then work out how to get there. You’re not going to be offered a solution on a plate here.

You’ve had 4 kids
You can’t drive
You live somewhere which sounds incredibly inconvenient
You’ve not arranged adequate childcare in advance
You can’t move because you’re in debt
Your kids are behaving like savages, spitting at each other, throwing stones at the house and walking across roads unsupervised
You appear to have no plan about what you’ll do once they are tween/ teen and need constant ferrying about.

I’m not saying this to put the boot in but these things haven’t happened by accident. Good for you for getting a good job but you’ve got to start some longer term
planning and not just be so passive.

For example, if you’re in debt, maybe forego the holiday and get yourself out of arrears so you can move. If your area is rubbish for transport, parks and kids clubs, think about how you can move to a more convenient area. If there a school not much further away which does offer a holiday club, think about moving the younger kids there. Or start saving/ planning now for next year.

Honestly (I’m not saying this to be smug), most parents I know have full time jobs and they plan summer holiday childcare straight after Easter. Write off this idea of using family members as a tried/ failed idea. You’ve probably only got a few years to sort things out with the 8yr old before they go properly off the rails- you’ve got to get on it and find a solution.

Whether the 8yr old is bored or not, drawing over furniture and stealing money are totally unacceptable. I’d send just her to a childminder. I’d also be explaining why: that she clearly doesn’t want to be in the house and is unable to behave appropriately.

Harsh, yes, but she needs a sharp shock. Imagine getting up at 5am and purposely making a noise - disgusting. She needs some firm discipline and a big jolt. Warn her that if she damages anything else in the house you will sell her favourite toy/tell her teacher/whatever will have the most effect.

Excellent post

What do you and your partner do before/after work?
I think I am confused over who is at home and when.
If you are home in the morning before the disabled relative takes over, then take them out. Especially if they have been up since 5 you need to get out the house. They can then chill and have screen time when the disabled relative is looking after them so they don't have to stress too much about running after them. Then when your partner comes home he takes them out again.

Do they have bikes? Scooters?
Can you go swimming?

If he has the car and is home in the afternoon then he can drive different places with them.

I get the feeling you are stuck in a rut and reluctant to try anything new as can only see the problems rather than trying to now get out of it and get into a routine.

Depending on how regimented you want to be you can have set days for things e.g. every Monday plan a library trip (even in the rural areas near me there is a library that opens some days during the week!!) check these out for activities as well as changing new books each week. Home activity baking cakes and decorating them.
Tuesday park day. Home activity Lego - set a challenge of building certain things or using so many pieces.
Wednesday museum (our local one is free). Home activity craft e.g. pom pom making, painting, junk modelling, play doh, drawing
Thursday park day. Home activity making something for tea e.g. pizza
Friday supermarket trip (helping out with the home stuff!) home activity creative writing. Write a story. Make a comic book. Give them a picture for inspiration.

While my plan sounds pretty boring, a routine is what you need. It's why so many children find it easier at school than at home as they have a visual time table for the day and know what is coming next e.g. my children know that they do reading at the start of the day, maths then assembly, break then English then lunch then topic (geography, history, art, dt, PE, RE).

@Moonnstars OP wrote they are bored of their bikes and scooters and bored of the park, after just arriving after two busses.

I struggle with this a bit. Most kids I now love being out on their bikes and find lots to do at a park, playground, play football, race around, have a picnic. Why are these kids constantly bored?

This thread is the best argument for not having too many kids before realising what you can cope with. You seem to be snide about other parents not working but honestly, having four children is 100% a lifestyle decision and the responsibility lies fully with the mother. The only well-adjusted children I know from families of 4-5 siblings were ones where the mum consciously dedicated her time and effort into being home with the kids.

You keep mentioning "partner" rather than dad. Is he the biological father of the four children? If not then it's also an obvious reason why the girls are going off the rails. It's very difficult for girls to live under the same roof as an unrelated male, especially the years leading up and through puberty. All well documented through studies and research. The best "gift" a mother can give daughters is not to make them live with unrelated men or stepsons (the latter not a factor here).

Ah I missed them being bored of everything.

Though mine will also say this but when forced to do it then they mostly enjoy it in the end. Mine won't want to go for a walk but if I make them, take food for the ducks or something, once out they might moan at first but once they know we aren't going home they do end up having fun.

@Imissgoldengrahams do the local churches not organise clubs in the church hall???

You need to find lots of interesting things for the to do. I remember giving mine a few balls of wool and some sellotape and they made a giant 3D spiders web 9n the playroom sticking it to the chars the walls the ceiling etc. They must have spent a couple of hours doing that. Make masses of different coloured play dough and give the m buncases and they made and set up a 'cake shop'.
A ten foot length of wall paper in the garden, some pots of paint and create and underwater scene. Make an obstacle course in the garden using plant pots and canes and anything else they can find etc etc

Your childcare is not suitable for so many little children

This is what my mum said as apparently I used to go to the free club held in the church but there is nothing like that
The only thing close I've found is one for two hours once a week
And that's even finished now

The 8 year old saying "I'm bored" doesn't literally mean that. She actually means "I need some attention from you".

I can imagine after two bus rides with four kids to get there, you just collapse on a bench and expect them to 'go and play'.
She wants to be with you and talk, or for you to get up and play with her, make a game of it, be fun, help her have fun.

With four children, you are spread thin, but you have to find the strength to give each one of them more attention than they are currently getting.

@Imissgoldengrahams what hours are you and your DP out of the house? It’s a little confusing from your post.

Don’t take too much notice of them moaning they are bored or they have gone off their bikes and scooters. I used to take my dc out and end up carrying the scooters 😆 but it was better than being stuck in and at least they had run around in the fresh air and used up some energy.

You needed to be looking into this stuff well before summer. Not half way through. You find the clubs you can access and plan your holidays and time off around them.
And next time they get to the park and moan that they are bored, you say "oh well, we're here until 3pm so you might as well make the best of it". You don't just give up and take them home to moan.

That’s really unusual. I’ve worked full time since my daughter turned 1. I don’t know any SAHM. Why did you choose to have 4 children and live in the middle of nowhere? I’m guessing you don’t live in a city or a big town because there’d be many childcare options available. Everyone has said that your children are acting up because they’re bored, but you’re not doing anything about this. Put them all in childcare.

There may be some truth in this but what has been done has been done, the OP cannot rewind getting pregnant and giving birth, so the issues are here to stay or be dealt with. The behaviour of the 8 yr old sounds extreme, beyond my experience of naughty child behaviour. I wonder if it is worth getting her analysed by a child psychologist.

supervise your children esp when other kids are there as for the money you need to talk to child to make them understand theh cant just take money thats not theirs , reward charts for keeping room tidy , just keep it simple little chores thst they get bit extra picket money or a treat for , they're finding their feet st thst age but still need watching like hawks