Devastated - can't believe my builder did this

[INFJismyvibe]

Bit of backstory - we've been having an extension done on the house, it's taken well over the agreed time (almost a year over) but we've been mainly patient about it. Builders have been dumping stuff in our garden, making it unusable for the most part. Everything was overgrown as I've been unable to mow the lawn or trim down the bushes, but I've been OK with that. I knew that once they cleared their crap from the garden, I could get back to gardening and sort it out. My garden had some beautiful, well established plants and fruit trees, and some taller bushes that worked as an extra privacy screen, which we really need from our neighbours. Without those, the neighbours can see into my kitchen.

Some of the plants were of sentimental value, gifts from my mum, a plum tree growing from a cutting that my aunt gave me, from my grandma's garden, etc.

The building work has meant I've been unable to use my garden - which was my sanctuary - this summer and last summer.

Anyway, on to current day.
I've been away on holiday with my (older) kids. Dh stayed home for various reasons.

Builder has been in, finishing up on the house. His dad came along (he sometimes helps builder out on projects) and asked Dh if he's OK to clear the garden. Dh naturally assumed he meant all their builder's mess - bags of cement, wood palettes, etc etc. I've been saying for a while that I can't wait for all that to go so that I can tidy up the garden and even be able to access the washing line again.
So Dh said yes please clear it up, and then left for work.

The guy brought in a team of men and they removed everything. Every single plant, bush, tree. Completely removed the lawn (which, to be fair, was riddled with weeds and needed returfing anyway).

But it's completely bare.

All my beautiful beautiful plants, my sentimental ones, my privacy ones. All gone.

Dh didn't tell me until the car journey home as he didn't want to ruin my holiday. But i've just returned home a couple of hours ago, and I'm absolutely devastated. Don't even care about the rest of the work thats been done while I was gone. Struggling to even talk to Dh about holiday or anything else. Completely ruined my return home.

I know some may say, ah it's just plants.... But they cost so much money and effort and time, and can't be replaced just like that. I'm going to have to spend hundreds to fill it up again, and it's going to take years for them to establish. And it needs so much extra work and attention now.

Gutted. Aibu for feeling this way.

Any advice? What do I say to the builder? Dh didn't say anything at the time as he hates confrontation but wtaf?!! And now the builder will think I'm being unreasonable. But it was my sanctuary, my space, my privacy.

Ps please forgive any spelling errors, I've barely slept.
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I gutted and landscaped our entire garden over the last year and have started to replant it. I knew nothing to begin with so read loads!

I’d recommend

• First Time Gardener by Frances Tophill,
• How to Create Your Garden by Adam Frost,
• How to Plant a Garden by Matt James
• RHS Gardening School (if you literally don’t know how to garden like me!)

My biggest learning is I wouldn’t do the whole garden at once if I did it again. I wish I’d made a whole garden plan and then tackled it in sections over the next few years - I took up all our turf (basically a bog) to make beds and it’s really hard to grow enough plants to fill the space from seed/bare root and tend to all those new plants alongside everything else I need to do!

This is unbelievable. Why would they do that??? So sorry. I’m be devastated and furious in equal measure

This.

Just work out the cost of buying replacement trees and plants and inform the builder that he was not instructed to rip them out and so you will be deducting the cost from his final invoice.

Most people would interpret "clearing the garden" to mean "getting rid of the building crap", unless they are hiring someone specifically to clear the garden of trees and plants.

Thank you. This is what I needed to read xx
Might as well use the situation to design the garden again

Why the hell would I make this shit up?

Edit needed as forgot to quote PP

So sorry to hear this, OP. I would contact him immediately to ask where the plants are, in case you can recover any of them or at least take cuttings. What a nightmare the whole thing sounds.
If you can’t get anything back, would it be some comfort to buy plants identical to those that were gifts, in memory of the givers?

Good point!

DH was at work wasn't he? And if he was there at the end, did he just meekly (pathetically) not say A WORD to them??

The latter, yes

And yet, he spent what must have been hours and hours pulling up plants which have taken years to establish.

That he is going through stuff, doesn’t take away the extra cost and work it will take to re-establish the garden. It doesn’t take away the shock the OP must have felt at seeing something she cherished having been taken back to the bare bones. If your bar for bad things happening is “nobody died” that’s a crappy way to go through life.

Imagine someone came in and stripped your living room of carpets and furniture, would you say “ahh, his nan died, it’s ok”

DH was at work, didn’t confront them, but somehow the nationality is known???

No OP you're not unreasonable at all. I'd be devastated too. It's not just plants it's time, it's effort, it's money, it's peace and quiet, it's shade, it's privacy, it's sentimentality and memories, its wildlife and it's sanctuary. It's everything and gardens can take so long mature. I totally get it

Contact your builder and let him know! Say you are astonished that your garden has been completely stripped bare in this way. Many of the larger plants had sentimental value, and you are extremely upset.

Ask him there's any chance any of the plants have been destroyed or just moved (there's a market for them). You probably won't get them back but worth a try.

Explain how much it will cost to replace your garden and ask for a reduction in the bill to cover it.

Are you a people pleaser who is afraid of confrontation OP, because otherwise, I’m struggling to understand how you let the builder stretch the work out for over a year without any penalties??

I’m sorry that all your lovely plants have been destroyed but maybe you can use this to channel your anger and become much more assertive in your future dealings with the builder?

They are definitely planning to bill you for the botched garden clearance so you need to woman up and be ready for that.

The builder’s mother’s state of health is not your concern so don’t let him use it as an excuse to avoid having that difficult conversation.

Good luck! 🤞

OP, I'd be devastated too and I don't care what anyone says, the builder asking to 'clear the garden' should have been extra clear on what he meant. It's a highly unusual thing to do (we've had similar work) and in no world does 'clear the garden' usually mean anything other than taking away building materials and rubble.

I would speak to the builder myself along the lines of -

"There is nothing to be done now, but my husband expected you to clear the rubble, not strip our whole garden. I have never heard of such a thing happening so please don't tell me it was a miscommunication - this is not a normal thing to do. I am not going to fight about it but I would like to know if any of the plants are still viable and can be returned? Even cuttings? As they were very sentimental. I would also like to understand how you think you can redress this is some way?"

Poor you. It's a horrible thing.

Just to clarify, builder is slow on the extention. His dad swooped in trying to help "clear the garden". Dad obviously not respectful of plants and probably just thought it was just a big mess

Yes, the dad has this team of Romanian laborourer that he uses for heavy labour work. DH came home at the end, when they were clearing it all away

A rotovator would make quick work of stripping out a small garden as you’re essentially razing the entire area and not removing each plant carefully, so I’d say it only took 2-3 hours, but that doesn’t lessen the shock.

Again, how do you know this?

How come DH didn’t confront them? How did they manage (even as a large team) to clear an entire garden in a day? How come you originally described the trees etc as being big enough to give you privacy, but now they’re not mature? It’s all just a bit off.

Quite amazing how his dad was so quick sorting the garden with his team of "Romanians" but his son was so slow on the extension.... shame he didnt pass on his work ethic to his son (or the Romanians phone numbers to help with the year long extension) - even sorting it all out while his wife was going into a hospice 🤔

There's clearly something untoward going on here, isn't there?

I wonder if this was a case of them having a massive ongoing job elsewhere, but keeping OP's job ticking over as a bonus to maximise whatever spare time they could fit in with one or two blokes turning up half-heartedly and working piecemeal.

They finally finished the big job - the whole big team, including numerous (multiskilled) blokes who had never been to OP's place - so, with nothing else now to do, and maybe their own gardening machinery now available again, they moved on to OP's garden to get her job finalised and to get the money... only they spotted an opportunity for a 'misunderstanding' and figured that they could massively bump up their earnings by the whole team setting to and doing far more work than needed and agreed - especially if they knew that OP was on holiday.

Just my theory: it may be right, wrong or a bit of both. Whatever the truth is, they're going to be giving OP a much heftier bill than anticipated and warranted for the agreed work.

Thank you, this is really helpful advice xx

OP I love my garden more than my house so I feel your pain, but I think it was a genuine misunderstanding. My garden is a wild one and I have to be very careful to be clear about what I want done when i get workmen in. In fact I go back to the same(expensive) firm every time when my trees need care because they can be trusted not to go crazy and not to tidy up too much. You will grieve, its a huge loss. I get that you won't be able to see anything positive in it now and you may never be able to but you will re plant and your garden witll bloom again.

How do you know she doesn’t?

I would start by really thinking about what sort of garden you want, how you would like to use it, where you imagine yourself sitting, how many flowers you want, how much maintenance you are willing to do and so on.

Identify any big work that needs doing first, for example, do you need to dig up the lawn and reseed/turf it?

When thinking about flowers and shrubs, pay attention to the positioning of your garden, whether it is north/east/south/west facing and how much light or shade it gets. Find out what kind of soil you have. Learn about the difference between perennial and annual plants.

If you care about wildlife and the environment, perhaps you could give some thought to making it pollinator friendly? For example, if you want to plant spring bulbs, only a couple of varieties of daffodil are useful to pollinators. In general flowers that have been extensively bred to make them more visually striking are less good for pollinators, perhaps because double rows of petals make pollen or nectar more difficult to access, or because the variety has evolved to reproduce asexually. If you plant daffodils, try to choose varieties which are closest to the natural varieties which grow in the wild, such as Tenby daffodils.

If you suffer from hay fever you can still help pollinators by choosing plants which are good sources of nectar rather than pollen.

Try to plant flowers which bloom at different times of year, so spring bulbs such as daffodils, hyacinths, crocuses, tulips etc (need to be planted in the autumn), then flowers which bloom in the summer and autumn. This will ensure that your garden is colourful all year round which is nicer you but also helpful for the bees and butterflies.

If you have a fence or wall which could support a trellis, you can plant things like ivy, honeysuckle, jasmine, clematis or climbing roses.

The flowers which are most attractive to pollinators tend to be those which bloom in the wild, and garden centres often sell seed packets of mixed wildflowers which can be sown in the spring, where you'll get things like poppies, cornflowers, cosmos and so on. These require very little maintenance and will come back year on year but you have to like the wildflower meadow look as opposed to a very formal ornamental garden. An ideal choice for both wildlife and the more casual gardener!

Aromatic herbs are also great and can be grown in pots by the kitchen door or in window boxes. Consider also planting lavender if you have a sunny spot.

I find that ChatGPT is super helpful at answering gardening questions and suggesting what to plant and when based on the information you give it about your garden space.