Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

I was thinking the same. The partner has done nothing wrong by putting her DC first. This is all on your dad & I’d leave him to it.

I guess you have to hope his step children don’t want her out immediately. Maybe they can give him 6 months or so to find somewhere else. You don’t have to house him, you don’t have the space. Maybe the council can help if private renting isn’t an option.

It does feel mean but I can see why she has left her house to her children, as they could be completely by-passed if she left it to him. Does feel mean to not allow him to live there until his death. I get that her DC will want their inheritance, but this guy has loved and cared for her and her DC all these years and he is just made homeless like that. Shows what she really thinks of him. Very mean.

@Iocainepower But you're wrong, as he absolutely will be, per the OPs own words "meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless."

So yep, if you leave someone homeless on purpose, you don't love them. Not the OPs issue to deal with though.

So yeah, she doesn't love him, plans to make him homeless if she dies, and he already knows this, according to her anyway.

So your only job now is to pass on to your dad exactly what she said and tell him he won't be living with you. Should be a wake up call to him to move out and find somewhere else, whatever happens.

He made his partners bed too and probably helped her into it. Anyway I hope she survives and he leaves and she discovers life without a live in carer. Might have been worth a few years right to live in the house.

My grandfather had a similar arrangement with his partner of 14 years after my grandmother died. His partner had no biological family and the house was already left to her late husband’s relatives so she felt she had to respect that. My grandad had 6 months to find somewhere else in the event of her death. As it happened, my grandad went first.

I don’t know what Op’s definition is of ‘homeless’ is, but i can’t say it any clearer.

Probate usually takes months. This means the partner’s children won’t take ownership of the estate for several months, possibly even up to a year. Op’s dad will not be turfed out onto the street immediately after his partner passes away. He will then have months to find alternative accommodation.

I don't care how fixated you are on this, but I can't say it any clearer.

The OP has said he will be homeless, so that's that.

Oh and your attempts to pretend anyone said "immediately homeless" aren't relevant. Homeless is homeless, whether it's 2 days, 2 weeks or two months. And, of course, you haven't the tiniest idea of what will actually happen, they could turf him out immediately.

So yep, you're wrong. He'll be homeless.

So he both wasn’t her carer for years and she did give him 6 months? Your grandma is a much much much much nicer person than the ops dads hopefully stbx.

Your dad would have grounds to bring a claim under the Inheritance (Provision for Fsmily and Dependants) Act 1975 for reasonable financial provision from his partner’s estate.

When the partner dies, he should stay put in the house and bring his claim. Happy for you to PM me, I have experience in dealing with these types of claims.

This was my first thought too - it’s a specific social housing category.

I suspect he may have to be evicted though to get him up the list rather than leaving voluntarily depending on where he is. If I was one of the step mum’s children it’s what I’d expect him to do.

I totally understand this post. Ive been the kid with the absent parent. Only to step up as an adult when my stepdad died . Only to get burnt again by my mother. Op can be there to help her dad. She doesn't have to make it her problem. If he wants help he can reach out.

I think you need to have this conversation with your father. You owe this woman nothing .

A Trust is not a replacement for a will……..has she written a will and granted him ‘right to reside’? That would be a fair resolution for him and her children, although they would technically be in receipt of the Trust would need to wait until he died or chose to move out once finding alternative living arrangements.

Given that your step mother phoned you it is reasonable that you can discuss the issue with her again.
Talk to her and ask whether, because your father did home maintenance and gave up his job to care for her, she would consider giving your father a two year right to live in the house before it was rented out or sold. And also that after that time he could put in an offer to rent the house or purchase it, whichever her children chose.
Explain that it will take him time to grieve and to find another job. I think that would be a a fair compromise.
Your father could then save up a deposit or find a new home without haste.

Sorry this might sound harsh but your father has been a bit stupid. He should have been saving and sorting out an investment home /flat whatever. A frank conversation with his partner 23 years ago would have been good as well. It’s her house - what did he think was going to happen?

My friend's father did this when his partner moved into the family home, and explained it all to his children.

That was over 25 years ago, stepmother is now close to 90 and still living independently and appears to be in remarkably good health for her age. Friend and her siblings reckon she'll outlive them!

You need to put boundaries in place for yourself. Help him where you can if you want. Don't make it your problem.

presumably your dad has no housing costs for the last 20 years. He must have saved a lot of money that way. Where is it.

She had the house before he moved it. She funded everything around the house. I would want to ring fence it too for me DC. You really cannot fault her for that.

If your dad gets on do well with the stepchildren, then maybe they won't want to turf him out straight away? Or if they want the house sold quickly, perhaps one of them could have him stay at theirs for a while?

It’s pretty despicable behaviour from her isn’t it. Surely she can leave the house in trust for her children until such time as he passes away.
I agree that I just couldn’t do this to a long term partner.
You are not responsible for this situation. Where you can be supportive and helpful you owe him nothing. I definitely wouldn’t be jepodising my own family situation by having him move in with me when he’s made so little effort over the years.

I agree. The wait for older people's social housing is much shorter, because properties become available much more frequently.

It's awful for the OP's dad though, to face losing his home soon after he loses his life partner.

When I got divorced, we agreed that my ex could keep the house. (I was happy with the arrangements.) We had two grown-up DC who were due to inherit the house eventually. He then got a new partner who moved in. My solicitor told me that if my ex died, it would be very difficult to force this woman to move out in order to sell the house.

Your Dad has had twenty years of knowing he was in a precarious situation in terms of his housing. And twenty years to protect himself.

Was he never even sensible enough to have a conversation about all this before moving in?

I agree with others who say the stepmum has done nothing wrong here. It’s quite standard to do this when there are previous children involved and no joint ones. They have always kept their finances separate and she has paid for the house by herself, including mortgage and repairs, all these years. If your dad doesn’t have savings after having had no housing costs for two decades then there is no point in letting him stay in the house after SM passes, he wouldn’t be able to afford it and SM is right in worrying about it going into disrepair. Your dad has either been aware of this and made provisions for it, or he has buried his head in the sand and thought it was someone else’s problem. Either way, don’t make it your problem. He would never have done the same for you.