Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

I'd be telling the father the full conversation so he can decide what to do next.

Do this OP.

So many peeps on here say "Oh marriage is just a piece of paper..." It isn't and this is a sad case of example.

Looking at it from her point of view, it's perfectly reasonable that she should expect her children to inherit, most people would. Your father may well be in a difficult position soon, but he should also have taken responsibility for his own welfare and considered future possibilities. Don't people on MN constantly tell women to look out financially for themselves?

He sounds potentially very passive - allowing his partner to focus their lives around her family rather than his and not considering what could happen in the future.

Op you are not responsible for your father and you should think long and hard about the risks to you and your own family if you become involved in this situation. You said yourself you don’t know if your father has savings but you know he’s aware of the situation with the house so with him being an adult, he’ll decide what’s best for him now. You don’t have to rescue him, that’s his job, but if you intend to offer him support, which it sounds like you do from your posts, then my advice is to decide where the boundaries lie and make sure you hold them for your own sake. Your step mother has given you a heads up so you are now in a position to be prepared.

She could give him the life rent, but she obviously doesn't love him to put him in this position. Is it bad that I hope she survives and he leaves her....
You don't have to take him in OP. If he has no funds and can't afford to rent privately he needs to get in touch with housing to let them know he will be becoming homeless.
Stuff keeping her confidence, speak to him.

He's got no money and no income. He's not going to be able to rent a house. He will be housed by the council when he gets evicted from the house after his partner dies but not before that.

I would say do not step in. Your Dad must have pension and some savings - he can rent or be found a social housing flat by SS - as soon as you take him in you are stuck with him. Not that he's a bad person but the best thing is he gets some accommodation via social services and some independence.
You could speak to a solicitor about the trust and him being made homeless in case there is some glitch there but don't step in.

This is interesting. Under what terms would OP’s dad qualify? I’ve read that someone may qualify as a long-term cohabitant but that was also finally dependent on the deceased. I’m not sure Op’s dad was financially dependant here? Are you thinking of another term I have probably missed?

Doesn’t sound like he could afford to pay the bills and upkeep of the house anyway so there wouldn’t be much point in doing that. The house would just fall into disrepair.

she has always funded everything they've had done on the house and never let my dad contribute a penny

Where's your dad's money? If he's only been contributing his share of utility bills and food, with the odd holiday, where the hell has 22 years of wages gone? Even with NMW he should have a decent pot somewhere. If he's wasted it away then I'm not surprised she thinks he wouldn't take care of her house. Ask your dad where his money is before blaming the SM.

Being expected to move out of your current accommodation and find somewhere else to live with plenty of notice isn't the definition of homeless by any definition.

Explain to me why she shouldn’t want the house that she alone has paid for to go to her children instead of the man that has financially benefitted from living rent free for many years? What did your DF do with all the money he would have saved by not having to pay rent for all those years?

Your father may not be married to her but he is a co-dependent habitee under the law and legally ge could fight being removed from the house or insist the estate gives him a lump sum payment.
i suggest you lawyer up and have documents ready in case something dies happen next week

OP, one thing to consider is that the estate will need to go through probate before the house can be sold, and the sale could take 6 months or more - all which will give your DF plenty of time to find himself alternative accommodation. The beneficiaries may well prefer to have him still live in the house and pay rent whilst all this is dealt with rather than leaving the house empty for months.

I feel uncomfortable that we seem to have relegated OP’s Dad to ‘feeble, vulnerable man status’. He’s an adult that can make his own mind up and decisions about how he chooses to spend his life. His partner sounds like a firm, decisive woman who isn’t messing around. At least she’s been open and honest about this, however painful it is to hear. He already knows what is going to happen with the house when she eventually dies. So maybe the next conversation you have with him, you ask him about his plans for the future, and stop vilifying a terribly ill woman, facing death.

It’s a tough situation. As a single parent I wouldn’t want my children to be homeless. But hers do not need the money. However it’s her decision and she clearly always wanted to provide for them. She could have chosen to give your dad an amount of money. He needs to put his name on the housing association list. They won’t house him as he has somewhere to live currently. If he has known about this or had thought ahead he should have saved or lived separately. Or they could have bought a home together. In his position I would be dubious about being her carer going forward because it doesn’t sound like she cares for him in the same way. Maybe it’s time he put himself first. I would speak to him you don’t have to tell him you know but ask the questions he may not know who to speak to or what do do. It definitely is not your responsibility op to house him.

@opyou don’t have much relationship with your dad so it’s commendable that you care so much.

is part of you upset that no portion of this hotly debated house will end up being passed to you?

Are you sad that your dad doesn’t get the house because if he did, you’d be in with a shout of inheriting part of it?

it does seem tough on you that all her kids get to inherit but your dad’s kids (if you have siblings) don’t.

People get so black and white about this. DC and DP in this case all deserve a share of her estate.

All of this.

Marriage and ties of blood are trump everything else. Your dad and stepmum didn't marry for whatever reason, and this is sadly the natural consequences of that. He spent his entire life prioritising her and her family over you, and to what end? So many men do this sadly.

I hope he refuses to take care of her if she survives, as awful as that sounds, and instead looks to making provisions for his own old age. You need to remind your dad that he probably needs to get a job now, he won't be able to take care of her if she survives and that you can't do much for him. He needs a wake up call.

They both sound equally awful. I'm sorry op you're going through this.

if they live in England or Wales then he has no rights. Are you quoting Scottish law?

I think you can talk to your dad about it without letting on that you know. Maybe have a matter of fact conversation asking what he will do if she doesn't make it through the surgery. Ask if he's got the money to move out?

I guess if he's homeless he might be able to get some help from the council? Probably would be quite difficult. I wouldn't let him stay with you tbh. Why should you? Sounds like he wasn't there for you at all. Maybe you should put this on her and tell her he will be homeless so you suggest she gives him some money to be able to rent a place. She's being cold and heartless about it so you might as well too. Him cashing in his pension was also unwise. Sounds like he will have nothing once she's gone.

They are not married? As she’s your dad’s dp I assume they aren’t married. He has no legal standing due the house, contents, etc. Anything he owns outright in the house he needs to move now to storage. This includes basic belongings as all will be seized by the dp family as house contents. All work and money spent on the house needs photographing and a money trace found - bank details could help. He can ask for the money back from the house sale. It might not be given though. He needs to leave the house now - today and go to the local council as homeless. Do not take him in - he is not your problem. The dp family can start to look after the dp. It will be tough on him but his dp doesn’t care about his wellbeing.

Sorry I haven’t read full thread, but a relative in similar situation: when wife died, she had left house in Trust to her kids, and Trustees said house had to be on market within six months, but he was allowed to use 50% sale price to buy a downsizer, which meant moving to cheaper area (with other 50% from sale going straight to her kids). In future, when he dies, her kids will get the full sale of the downsizer (so might have increased in value, but risk it is worth left). They seemed ok with this.
So it could work as a similar arrangement- where he has a lifetime interest, with some immediate cash to kids, no excuse that he can’t manage if he downsizes, and is a thank you from kids for looking after wife, and household contributions over many years?

No, he doesnt qualify for this. I don't think the lady has done anything wrong. She rightly protected her assets and led a separate financial life. They didn't wish to be married or share finances and this continues. He has known this for many years and should have been prepared. He will have time anyway, probate and selling a house will take time.