Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

Even if stepmum does not survive her op, her children will have to wait for probate before they can sell the house which will give a bit of time. Presumably your Dad has a good relationship with his step children and they will not hound him out immediately?
I do feel she is being incredibly heartless though and I would struggle to feel positively about her going forwards.

Oh you highly doubt that he was unaware even though the OP details what was said during the conversation 'Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous'. She goes on to say that this news coincided with his fall and deterioration in his health.
This has absolutely nothing to do with women vs men. Why are you trying to make it so? I would say exactly the same in a situation where a female long term partner of a man, who had cared for him and supported him for decades was being turfed out. Would you suddenly support the woman, just because she was a woman? I would say the opposite in a case where a partner of either sex was clearly taking advantage of the other. The sex if irrelevant.

We don't know everything.

Maybe his partner didn't want him to give up work but he did it anyway.

Maybe he was always supposed to have a back up plan for if he out lived her but he has buried his head in the sand and continues to be so.

Maybe the call to the daughter was because the partner is worried that he still has not prepared any backup plans and she is worried about what will happen to him if she dies.
I find it hard to believe that he did not know that house would go to her children.

Given how he treated his own children its no surprise that she would want to ring fence her assets and ensure they passed to her children as swiftly as possible.

Maybe there is a reason why she never married him.

Exactly. All of us agree that protecting your assets for your biological children is sensible. Treating your partner of 26 years in such a cold hearted way, taking everything from him and not even having the decency to mention your plan to turf him or her out on your death and then trying to dump all the responsibility on his daughter, who neither of you have bothered with for years is horrible.

She said she explained it a few weeks ago, theres absolutely no reason to assume it was for the first time ever. Why would you think a full grown man had no previous awareness of his and his partners financial arrangements? Why on earth would you assume this is the first he'd ever heard or thought about it?
Sex is not irrelevant. It never is.

He is probably hoping to live there for as long as possible rent free. She probably knows this and so do her children.

Are you unable to actually read the OP?
it was you that brought sex into it and complained that women can't win. Check your own post.

I suspect OP was actually hoping her dad would get the house, and it would find it's way to her eventually. "Step mum" was making clear this wouldn't be happening...

Yes thanks I can read. OP did not say at any point that it was the first her dad had heard of it. Please quote if I have in fact misread.
And yes, I brought sex into it, so of course I think it's relevant.

OP said, in the opening post:

I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast

So he didn’t expect to stay there indefinitely on the case of her death. This was not new news to him. I think it’s probably come up again and again and he’s just buried his head in the sand.

How old is your dad? Does he get a state pension?

I think you need to discuss with your dad at least to signal your house won't be an option. Does he have any other family, such as siblings?

It was unfair of OP's step-mother to contact OP and tell her that she was making her dad homeless. She has basically passed on the responsibility for her dad to OP, despite him favouring the step-mother and her children above his own child for over 20 years.

Unfortunately, OP sounds too nice to tell both her dad and her step-mother that this isn't her problem.

I don't see it as passing on responsibility in the slightest. More warning OP that her useless dad will be heading her way next.

I think you are wrong…

@Digdongdoowhat a horrible post. Nothing the OP has said suggests that. She just doesn’t want him being turfed out pronto and expecting to live with her.

.I suppose I have some sympathy for him as I’m in the age group when parents are needing more support and one of my friends has been organizing carers for her Mum, who became wheelchair bound three years ago.

Unless you’ve cared for someone in this position (I haven’t), I don’t think you fully realize what a huge bonus having a live-in partner is for both the patient and the adult children. Despite having carers coming in twice a day to get her Mum up and to bed, my friend or her sister have also been visiting every day to provide support. My friend was close to a breakdown last year juggling her own home/job/family, and supporting her Mum.

Yes, he may be a cocklodger, but if he’s been caring for her for even a couple of years, his support has “repaid” a lot of unpaid rent IMO in terms of reducing their stress.

My widowed Dad might need this level of support in the near future and I’m dreading it.

Ok. I think you are wrong.

I disagree. But ok.

Absolutely fair enough the house is going to her kids and grandkids. He’s had 20 mortgage free years to save.

I doubt it given her father hasn't had much to do with her

People hope for inheritances from parents they have little to do with all the time. It would hardly be an unusual thought.

How is any of that relevant?
He's having nothing taken from him, not his property and he's not financially contributing.
He's aware of her will.

Has she been paying a mortgage for the last 20 years or did she inherit the property or was it part of a divorce settlement ? I know it makes no difference as far as the 'what's hers is hers' argument in reality. But if they have both been living rent free in the house for the last 20 years and he gave up work to be her carer, then I do think he should be given a bit of credit.
A care package is expensive and it sounds as though she would/will be self funding, so your Dad has probably saved her a considerable amount of money over the last few years, in the region of 40K so far, so not small change.
If she is concerned that following his fall he wouldn't be able to maintain the house, she must also be concerned about his ability to care for her and will be looking at hiring a private care agency following her operation ?

@Dymaxion That’s my view having seen my friend wrestling with care for her Mum in recent years. It’s a big responsibility and paid carers popping in is v. different to having a partner caring for you.

Paid carers are on a schedule so they come in, do their job as quickly as possible, and are off to the next client. At least that’s my friend’s experience. It’s no one’s fault, it’s a job. That’s why family usually need to help out as well. Plus nights are difficult as that’s when people with limited mobility often fall trying to get to the loo, for example.

Since she became wheelchair bound, he’s likely made her adult children’s lives much easier than they would have been. I’d hope that they’d give him a few months in the house to get accommodation sorted out.

Live in carers cost between £900 - 1600 a week, so a few years of providing that probably makes quite a sizeable dent in the debt of rent he hasn't had to pay ?