Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

He would have had those costs somewhere else.

Tell your dad to contact Anchor Housing OP. It's a nationwide charity that provides homes for older people - usually retirement flats and bungalows. He could get himself on the waiting list for a property, which seem to come up quite frequently, for obvious reasons. He would probably get priority if he is likely to be made homeless very soon after his partner's death. The rents are generally around £600.00 - £800.00 per month and include a service charge that covers maintenance and upkeep of the communal spaces. If he can't afford that amount, he would probably be able to claim housing benefit. You could look them up online and find out where the homes are in your Dad's area so he could investigate them regardless of whether next week's op is successful or otherwise, so that if and when the worst does happen, he already has a plan in place.

I do think his partner sounds a really cold fish and is displaying an astonishing lack of feeling for a man who has loved her for 26-years and looked after her since her health started failing. I know quite a few couples who are on their second marriages/relationships and who are living in the former marital home of one partner, but in every case, the surviving partner will be able to continue living in the property until they die or need to move into residential care.

I do wish you - and him - the best of luck with whatever happens next.

@Rallentanda Surely if he was a pain she could’ve chucked him out anytime though, it’s her house after all.

@Octoberfest I agree that if my partner cared for me when I was wheelchair bound, I’d feel obliged to make some provision for him-although I’d also want my children to eventually get my house. I’d ensure that they couldn’t chuck him out immediately, to give him time to find somewhere else to live.

Again, if he was crap and not caring for her properly, she could just chuck him out and get carers in.

Mumsnet is so predictable. This woman is now a cow and a bitch for ring-fencing her assets from the man living rent free in her home.

All the money he didn't spend on rent or mortgage over 20+ year is his and so now is part of the home that he lived rent/mortgage free in?

The OP seems to know a lot about her fathers arrangements even though he has kept her at arms length for 20+ years

She sounds like a complete prepping you to sweep up her rubbish that is your Dad for her kids that she's spent 20 years putting over you and your family and saying he's lucky!

Surely if he was a pain she could’ve chucked him out anytime though, it’s her house after all.

As we see on MN that is often easier than said. Lots of women know they should but amble on in misery. I am not going to judge those women but it is far from common.

Indeed.

He has barely earned, but equally barely had any living costs. He has barely been responsible for himself in any way!

@NorthXNorthWest I think most people (not all) agree with her decision to leave her house to her children.

It’s this weird phone call to the OP and the fact that it sounds as if he may have to leave ASAP that seem callous.

Re. Chucking him out. It sounds as if he’s been useful to her. Yes, he’s a financial cocklodger but having a live-in carer since her health deteriorated has presumably been useful and cost-effective to her and her children. In this case, I don’t think she’s been too scared and miserable to ask him to leave!

I agree 💯 unfortunately, my hackles always go up with threads like these . There's an obvious bad guy/ bad guy narrative and then there's something that wildly throws the cat amongst the pigeons, so it's not clear cut at all.
I know life can be like this, but I feel like it's a scenario that may not be entirely based on fact and it's rage bait. Sorry 😐.

Maybe he should become live in carer for someone who would pay him for the privilege. It's quite lucative and accommodation is included.

I feel your ather should have known this was going to happen since he paid no mortgage or for maintenance. What did he do with his money.

If she doesnt want him to live their 20 years she could at least put a specification in the will that he can live there for 1 year. Probate will take that long anyway.

He should also look at claiming benefits, especially carers allowance www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

As I've already said, no one can know for certain.
However, from the information provided, this doesn't sound like a 'cock lodger' situation. I would be absolutely encouraging any woman to throw the man out in that situation.
Here, however, the power dynamic in this relationship appears to be in her favour. She owns the house. He owns no property. She has been in control of keeping him out of her will, something which he was unaware of until a few weeks ago. She has put her house in trust in favour of her family, making him homeless on her death. She decides that they both spend lots of time with her children and grandchildren. He apparently has a good relationship with her children. The OP (his daughter) and her family are totally neglected. This could be because he is a selfish, uncaring father or it could be because the relationship is a controlling one, with her being the controller. He has quit work and cared for her full time and kept the house 'spotless'. Based on what we are told, on the balance of probability, this is the correct scenario.

@Barrenfieldoffucks but it does sound like he’s saved her several thousands a month of care costs in a good few number of years. That’s not exactly cocklodging . Clearly he wasn’t a high earner before that and we have no idea how much he was contributing - hardly a cocklodger. A cocklodger would have been off at first sign of caring duty’s. He’s not exactly been dad of the year to the OP, but I hardly think he is deserving of basically going to be turfed out without some kind of allowance for him to start again . I certainly would contest in this situation for a percentage - even if it was£30,000 that could make a difference to his situation .

I think.... the fact that your Dad's partner's life is hanging in the balance is making it very difficult to address this properly, but I actually think it does need addressing.

I was encouraged to see that your dad has a good relationship with her DC as this may help the situation. I think that in your shoes I would call her again and cover off the following (but obviously in your own way):

Realise it's a sensitive time but I haven't stopped worrying about my dad since you called and feel strongly that this needs further discussion.

Even taking into account what you are going through, your plan seems cold and heartless - particularly as hopefully you will be back home, and he is the one who will be there ready to care for you.

I DO appreciate that your priority financially is the future of your DC, but you have existed in a relationship that is all but marriage in name for twenty years, and my father has financially contributed to your 'life' and the 'home' for these two decades.

Dad is trying to put a brave face on it, but he is facing the possible loss of the love of his life followed by being immediately homeless - I would not wish this upon anybody and am surprised that this is your plan.

I would like to suggest that Dad is given a period of time to stay in his home in order to try and find a solution to his housing situation. Two years seems like a reasonable amount of time. What do you think?

That’s as maybe, but it’s nothing to do with OP.
She sounds like a lovely person and her DF has done the square root of sod all to maintain a relationship with either her or his own DGC.

I highly doubt he was unaware of her plans before now. op only says step mum spoke to him a few weeks ago, not that it was for the first time ever. And more fool him if he gets to retirement age with nothing in his his without even discussing it with his partner.
Women can't win. If we don't protect our assets, we are fools. If we don't give everything to men, we are heartless.

Tell your dad. What a nasty person your step mum is...she doesn't love your dad. If sfe did after that amount of time she put house in trust that allows him to live in it.

It's possible to write into a will that a partner could stay in the house for eg 2 years to give him time to get back on his feet.

I would urge him to go back to work tbh.

But you don't owe him anything and there's absolutely no way he'd be moving in with me if I were you. You reap what you sow.

Meh. He's cocklodged for decades abandoning his own kids to do so. Who abandons their own children? Now he's looking for another woman to look after him and will no doubt have a massive sob story to give to the next mug about what a vile witch his partner was.
No sympathy here.

It’s not about protection of assets, most would agree with that, it’s about the callous, hard hearted way the partner has treated the father, with no regard for his welfare, after all he has done for her, only to be discarded when he’s fulfilled his purpose.

The stepmother is perfectly reasonable to leave the house she paid for to her children. He's lived there rent free nd so could have put the money he saved aside. There has to be an option for people who don't want to be financially tied to each other and this is it. If they'd wanted to share they would have got married etc. She is doing the best thing for her children.

So what if he paid his share of bills. He would have had to pay them AND his rent if he had his own place.
At least this woman is putting her kids first. Not like him.

where does it get you not being a mug do you mean? It gets you not seething with resentment about a dad who has done sweet FA as a parent and now may (and it is only may) expect op who is basically a stranger to him , to sort his mess out.

What has being an introvert got to do with contacting your child? i think your dad is having you on.

How do you she doesn't care for his welfare? Perhaps she's been flogging this horse, asking him to sort himself out with all the money he hasn't been spending on housing for 20 years. She's not turfed him out with no warning. She's even let his DD know the situation so she isn't blindsided either. That doesn't sound like she doesn't care to me. Women do not need to show caring by handing over everything we had before we met a penniless man.