Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

He did help towards the bills. He sacrificed his own money to care for her, and the house, so he has contributed . His partner is a hard hearted bitch
Well of course he contributed to the bills, for things he used. Or do you think she should have paid his use of gas, electricity, Internet, and even all the council tax and him to pay absolutely nothing at all? Why?

We don't know that he gave up his job to look after her, just that this is recent. We don't know how old he is. Again, he could freely have said to her that he couldn't stop working as he couldn't afford it. He chose not to.

She depended on him to maintain the house, and care for her. He also paid towards bills. It wasn’t free. Without him she probably wouldn’t have been able to pay for house and garden maintenance, carers etc. She benefited greatly.

This. All day long we have posts on here with women being advised to take care of her assets and look after her own children when she goes.

This woman is doing that and for some reason the mumsnet collective feel sorry for this man who has done nothing with regards to his own future, has lived rent free for 20 years, has abandoned his own children and grand children. And still the woman is the villain!

Allowing him a year after her death to continue to live in the house would be much kinder.
Everything else she has said I agree with, he’s had years to get a long term plan.

@Allseeingallknowingmy point was that even without the other stuff, she was providing for him. I’m a lawyer. I’m currently defending a claim under the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act. It seems to me that dad would be well advised to take prompt legal advice because he may have a claim (subject to proper fact finding by the lawyer, which is not possible on a thread like this). However, whether or not he would want to bring such a claim against, effectively, his step children, is another matter.

I assume that it means a discretionary trust so that the parents can decide what to do with the inheritance as the children are too young e.g. they could sell the house and put the childrens money in savings until they are adults.

@Allseeingallknowing

But the dad has had 22 years to sort something out. This woman was clear that they had always kept finances separate, and she never let him pay for anything to do with the house.

Just as women are consistently and regularly told on here, to make sure their partner does not have any entitlement to the house.

If he's made poor decisions they're entirely on him. If he's expected the house, or a share of it, to come to him, he has been deluding himself.

After two decades of living in someone else's house mortgage free, if he was sensible he'd have been saving all that money for just this kind of situation.

And why the OP is contemplating helping out her dad by accommodating him, a man who hasn't bothered with her for over 26 years, is a mystery.

Yes, point him in the direction of Social Services or the CAB, but that's really all she needs to be doing.

And how exactly do you know that? That he did some unspecified amount of maintenance and caring and payed some unknown amount towards bills does not mean depended on him or that she couldn't have afforded her house without him. That's a real leap considering she owned her house before him and he is still apparently penniless.

@Vivienne1000 I agree that it’s not clear how long the Dad has been caring for her, although the OP definitely. says that he retired to look after her. Since becoming wheelchair-bound, she presumably would have had to employ outside carers without him. My guess is that it’s been a few years, maybe 3-5.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time.

Your Dad will need to present at your local homeless person's unit or resettlement team via the council if you like in the UK.
You are not responsible for him - they have access to older person's housing via the council. He may need to go into temp accommodation short term.
He needs to get on the council housing register ASAP.
She's a very selfish woman who has had her needs met by your Father and will fling him out. Good luck

It the callous, uncaring and heartless attitude of the partner that I hate, no compassion for him at all. She doesn’t seem to think she owes him anything after all these years, when the least she could do is ensure he has somewhere to live for a while he sorts things out. No one is arguing he’s Dad of the year! She could even have helped by discussing sheltered accommodation or alternatives with him, making him feel he mattered too, but no, it’s as if he was useful at the time, now get out! I hope he doesn’t care for her if she survives- her children can do that!

The OP mentioned that her stepmum's family were very well off and I would assume that the assets are placed in a discretionary trust.

It does not mean that a life interest entitlement to the home, or a right to reside entitlement, has been conveyed to the OP's father.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. And I think that it would be morally wrong for the OP’s dad to even attempt to fight something to like this in court. They are not married and they did not have children together.

There has to be a distinction in law between couples who marry and couples who cohabit in order to protect their assets and whatever else. And the fact that this grown man may now present himself to another woman (the OP) to house him when he has had free housing from one woman for two decades is ridiculous.

He could have been allowed to live in it for the rest of his life or until he chose to move out

That's what my dad did for my stepmother

Could he contest the will or you contest it on his behalf?
I'm not sure how the law works but I do know that tenants have rights and it would probably take a VERY long time for the family to evict him. Awful situation I know and wouldn't help his stress levels or mental health.
I can see why she wants it to go to her children but even so, what a fickle bitch for not putting in place a caveat that your dad can stay until his death. She clearly doesn't love him......

OP I second the poster above who said you sound very fair-minded; it's kind of you to be so concerned considering how your father has treated you.

It's the kind of situation that looks very different from different vantage points. I fell out terminally with my mother's partner's daughter after she put the man, by then alzheimer's-ridden, into a home and started charging my mom rent for the home they'd both lived in (which he'd gifted to his daughter) within weeks of doing that.

She focused on the fact that my mum was living in a house that was hers (the daughter's). I focused on the fact that my mum had looked after this man at home for seven years after his dementia-diagnosis, saving his daughter a fortune in carers' pay, and had been in effect his unpaid housekeeper for a decade before that (he was a mean crank, and incompetent as a householder).

Your father's partner saying that she won't give him right to remain in the property because he could inconvenience her children by living too long, that I find really cold. She could at least give him a certain number of years then, so he can grieve and sort himself out in peace?

This sort of situation can get emotionally very draining. Try to protect yourself, whatever else you do.

Your DF needs legal advice quickly.
What a sad situation , perhaps if she does pull through the operation, her DC would like to come and look after her while your DF takes it easy !

Your DD needs legal advice quickly.
What a sad situation , perhaps if she does pull through the operation, her DC would like to come and look after her while your DF takes it easy !

Surely anyone would 'react badly' if they were told that their partner of decades, whom they love dearly, was likely to die v soon. To make matters worse, she then told him (after 25 years together without mentioning it) that she would be homeless when this happened, despite all the care and attention he has been giving to her.
It's pretty callous to say there will be 'drama' when she dies. A more accurate way to put it would be that she was causing her partner to become homeless in his old age and wanted his daughter to take all the responsibility for this, with none taken by her or her children, who she is much closer too.

Of course, no one can be 100% sure but they have both neglected the OP, who sounds lovely and caring, and her children for decades, that much is clear.

That's unfair. You might have been suspicious but many people are naturally trusting. It doesn't make them blind or stupid. They give their love freely and naively expect others to do the same.

These sound like good reasons to me 🤷‍♀️

Neither does it mean it hasn't and I believe it would be worth checking.

It sounds like the OP's dad had decades to come up with his own financial plan but didn't. Even so, I find it hard to imagine that, if I was in the step-mother's situation, I wouldn't leave some provision in my will for my devoted partner of decades. And I would also have wanted to come up with a plan, well in advance, whereby my partner wasn't homeless in the event of my death.

Still, from my experience on Mumsnet, it makes a change to see a woman (the step mum) who's so financially brutal/astute.

I am categorically not saying 'there will be drama', it's a hypothetical. As is this whole thread!
It's equally possible that he's shambled along in her house and caused her no end of grief. WE CAN'T KNOW.

As other pp have said, it is awful that the woman in the situation gets the grief. It could just as well be him who deserves it, as we see all the time on threads where the OP has a man who's moved in and is on the take. There's one right now where he's basically moved in by stealth and the poster is just realising what it means for her.

But we can't know. I am just loath to see a woman slagged off and called evil, a witch, a user, when there is so little to go on.

She sounds like a cow.
she can’t possibly love him.