Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

I wouldn’t be on her side! He’s given years of his life to caring for her and maintaining the house. He’s even cashed in his pension early for her benefit. It’s bad how he’s treated his own flesh and blood , hard to forgive, but the partner is a cold, heartless monster and she is being merciless to him after taking the best years of his life!

Not just about financial contributions- he’s cared for her and maintained the house, so he has made huge contributions.

Yeah that's what people do for their partners. Also most responsible adults think about their future and make preparations for it. He didn't. Shame.

What feckless man gives up work to care for his partner? A shockingly high number of men leave their wives and partners if they become ill or disabled. Not spend their days looking after them and keeping the house spotless. She sounds like an utter bitch. I bet people wouldn’t have sympathy if it was a disabled man whose partner had given up work to care for him and he wanted to chuck her out with nothing after he died so that his adult kids could get their hands on the money.

He's made some contributions. We don't really have any of idea the size of them.

They may have taken good care of each other and her children, but this addition makes them both sound rotten. I mean, he knows her children better than he knows his own daughter? What sort of a relationship did you and your dad have?

Furthermore, if he was not allowed to spend a penny on the house, where are his savings? Did he not have any plans for the future in case the worst should happen?

Finally, his accommodations are not your responsibility. You can take him in if that is what you want to do, but not to your own detriment or at the expense of your partner or children. He has refused to plan for his own future and that's on him.

You say your father is aware of the terms of her will so could you talk to him and say she has phoned you? Her children may not be in a rush to sell the house when they inherit, particularly if they have a good relationship with him. You could find out from your dad what his financial position is, although he may not feel like discussing the future. You could, gently, point out that he needs to make some plans - even if his partner survives she may need to sell her home to pay for care in the future if he isn't able to provide it.

But would you expect him to help to maintain it and care for you if you were ill. If no why would he be in your home at all?

She wasn't providing for him though. Ops made it clear that they have separate finances, so the claim would fail on that criteria.

Looks like a father in name only. Please don’t be guilt tripped into taking him in,

Yes. This is what those in my family in second marriages have set up. When one dies the other gets to stay in the house for the rest of their lives, then it goes to whoever it was actually left to in the will.

Yes, op has made it clear that they have separate finances, she hasn't maintained him at all. He's paid his own share of the bills.

Well what else could he do? He could hardly leave as he doesn’t have much money and he would lose access to his lifestyle sustained by her

they both made choices - she seems to have been very clear as to the parameters from the start and he accepted them. It was to me a transactional contract where both got consideration, both got something in exchange. Neither was conned or forced into it it is just ending far sooner than he expected

His partner could leave him some money from the sale to help him buy himself a sheltered flat perhaps.

I wonder a bit if the wife might be not quite in her right mind. OP said it’s unusual for her have contact with the woman so she is behaving out of character. She’s been very unwell, facing surgery that she may not survive, it’s at least possible she’s on some strong medication and probably not thinking too straight. It may well be correct that the kids get everything, but possibly she has made some provision or clause within that.

I’m struggling to see what the dying woman is doing wrong here.

The OP’s Dad and his GF aren’t committed in any of the major traditional senses; they didn’t legally wed, or form a civil partnership, they didn’t purchase a home together, they didn’t share finances in any way, the SM doesn’t even know what savings the OP’s Dad has or doesn’t have and they haven’t provided for each other in their wills.

Whilst yes, there was obviously care and possibly love, between the two of them, he’s essentially been her rent-free lodger for the last two decades, chipping in with the bills and a bit of housework and DIY, but not contributing (financially or otherwise) to any major changes/improvements to her house.

It seems that the set up was very cut & dried to both of them and as such, the OP’s dad has been an utter fool to not save up what he would have been spending on a rent/mortgage for just this situation.

It seems like the SM was mortgage free from a relatively young age, which makes me wonder if she’s a widow and maybe the mortgage was paid off with life insurance. If that’s the case, then I’m damn sure her late spouse would want his kids to inherit the house and not the live-in bf.

I think MN is very clear on people getting themselves into dependent positions on a “partner” who shares neither the deeds of their home, nor their finances. The dependent person is always strongly encouraged to work, build up savings and a pension etc in case of separation or death.

The key thing here is that the OP has had zero input into the impending homelessness of her father, it’s not like he contributed time or money to her upbringing which left him penniless, he just chose to spend his income on other things instead of saving, when his outgoings were much lower than the average person, due to not having to pay for housing.

It’s a sad situation, but one that’s likely to become more common as the percentage of home-owning women increases and the desire for independence and providing for one’s children outstrips the desire to leave any hard-earned wealth to a man who hasn’t contributed to it.

He's going through a lot too - and if she dies next week, even more so - could he come and stay with you short term perhaps?

And why do you think op should house him?

Where do you get the impression that she has been clear about the parameters from the start from?
@Tray80 has stated that she only just told her father the fact that he would be turfed out of his home when she died. She also deliberately called the OP when he was asleep and even asked her not to tell her father about the consultation. How exactly is that being honest, clear and upfront? The woman sounds like as if she has a heart of stone and is only motivated by £££. This is a man who cared for her day and night since she became ill, keeping the house 'spotless'.

I’m not getting the ‘made provision’ aspects- the bloke wasn’t a high earner and gave up his job and cashed in his pension to help look after her. He possibly doesn’t have ‘any’ income we don’t know, just as lots of unmarried SAHMs on here don’t . You can’t really ‘make provision’ when you don’t have an income coming in . I appreciate he was a shit father so it seems, but that doesn’t in my opinion give others free reign to say ‘tough shit, he should have made provision’ - how would many of you feel if this situation was reversed and you were with a bloke who left everything to his kids but you had been around 20 odd years with significant caring duties and not really able to work because of that.

Where does it say that the situation was cut and dried between them?

Why has she only just told him that he would be homeless when she died if so? Why did she call the OP behind his back and request her not to speak to her father if everything was all discussed and organised 20 years ago, as it should have been.

But he did help towards bills!

I suspect a lot of the people saying that have no idea what even a couple of care visits plus cleaner and gardener to keep the property spick and span like OPs dad has would have cost the DP if he hadn't been there. Maybe she should have made provision and said "no, you need your income, I'll buy in help". Maybe she thought "whoopee, if I don't buy in care it's more cash for my DC and stuff my partner".

Haven't RTFT and IANAL but if your dad is financially dependent on her, he can raise a claim and maybe get something from the estate.

I hope others read in similar situations read this. Mothers always prioritise their own children, and fathers who don't should read this and reflect.

If they had discussed this 25 years ago, when he had time to make provisions for himself, that would be fine. He probably would have made sure to continue to work hard, save up and certainly not entirely quite his job to care for her. He would have made sure that she funded the care herself, from her own income.
If you want a very transactional relationship, that's okay if both partners are totally honest, imo. The problem, imo, is her nasty manipulative behaviour and cold heart in breaking the news to him when she may well die very soon and he is now elderly and frail.

She also deliberately called the OP when he was asleep and even asked her not to tell her father about the consultation.

Another reading of this is that she is afraid of him, that he's reacted badly and she is quietly sticking to her guns, making his daughter aware that there is about to be some drama if she dies.

We are all just telling stories here...no way of knowing without 1000% more detail and some hard facts.