Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

I agree with this.
She sounds like an awful, manipulative woman who does not appear to care for your father at all. How horrid to ignore you and your children for 20+ years and then suddenly contact you to try to pass the buck by dropping this bombshell when she thinks she may die. She appears to have only just told her partner the situation now, so he has had no chance to make provision for himself.
To make no provision at all for your partner of 20 years who has given up work to care for you is really cold. I wonder if your father has been in a controlling relationship. He has been a fool to have made no effort at all with his own daughter and grandchildren but perhaps there are other factors, as above.

I would try to have a conversation with your father to find out his feelings even if you are not close. It would be tempting to contact his partner or her children and tell them that this is their responsibility to arrange and/or encourage your father to contact a lawyer. I really feel for you @Tray80 when you and your family have not experienced any positives from the relationship with your father and his partner is now trying to dumb all the negatives on you.

What are her kids like? I know it my partner's dad died and his house was left to us/sil we would just sit on it until his step mum died too. Not charge rent or anything, just leave her to cover bills/maintenance.

She may think they will sell straight away but they might just leave it to him until his time comes.

Caring costs he is saving her at least £1k a month minimum (approximately cost of 2 15 minute visits a day). That doesn’t account for the other 23.5 hours he is with her. I don’t know how much of her care is hands on or considerable. Is he lifting her? Caring on its own is physically and emotionally exhausting, not to mention financially demanding. Carers are often left with PTSD and loose on average 6 years life expectancy. I’d bet her children who stand to inherit are doing fuck all, so he is saving THEM a huge financial and physical/emotional toll also. I feel sorry for him.

Also, it sounds like all she values in life is money and property. Not companionship and care that he has foolishly invested in her.

Yes, @Carzycat.

The OP hasn’t mentioned this, but I wonder whether his partner is planning to leave him some cash?

@SinisterBumFacedCat is right that he’s likely saving her/her children a fortune in caring costs given that she’s been in ill health for some time. You’d hope they’d be grateful and at least give him time to find a new home.

I dont think she should be allowed to control the narrative and dictate to you that you're not to speak to your father about this. That's manipulative. And very detrimental to his plans in the future.

This all needs to be brought to the surface and openly discussed for his sake. I'm not sure why she's controlling that?

Should he apply for social housing? What finances does he currently have? Etc etc. It can't be brushed under the carpet. All needs to be brought to light.

It seems as though he has been dominated up until now and us voiceless.

I think you may need to call her again and tell her that although you respect her wishes, that you will ultimately need to discuss this with your father asap. This will obviously have to be the case as you will be saddled with him should she die. Looks like she is on the way out...so this will be sooner rather than later.

Again...she has no right to dictate that you can't discuss your father's future with him now.

Is she under the impression that you're going to instantly move him to your place if she dies?

I would clarify that that would not be happening. You aren't close and you don't have the room.

Let her mull that over about what kind of person she is to put the man she's lived with for decades out on the street.

She sounds awful. I had an auntie who had lived with her dude for years and she set it up that he would be able to live in her home until he died. That's the least your dad's partner could do.

I would be asking her why she thought she should speak to you about it seeing that he's spent all your adult life supporting her and her children having made no effort for you? After all, they seem to be his family and not you. He's looked after her much better than you so they should have the decency to not treat him like a stranger. The stranger for them is you. It was ok for her and her house to be cared for and looked after by your father but had never phoned you to see how her carer's DD was. They had decided that you were not part of their life even during important celebrations but you are remembered when ..oops, somebody will need to look after him.

Also that you will be telling your father and if she survives the operation he will know he will be looking after a woman who will chuck him out. Normally I believe people should prioritise their children with inheritance but this is different.

Between us it seems that if it comes to that you will do your best to look after your father but I would get this out of your system.

Has your Dad made a will?

This phone call has already taken place.

This purpose of the call that the OP received was to explain the ground rules and to make it clear that the OP's dad would have to leave the home after his partner died.

She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless.

She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall.

You're giving too much thought to a man who wasn't a good father to you and is too irresponsible to organize his own life. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

If he's turfed out, it's his problem. He really has made his bed.

I do wonder if the Stepmum posted whether there would be this much vitriol because in all honesty he could be somewhat of a cocklodger!
The OP is unsure as to his financial position and what he has and hasn’t paid for but there is a sense that it has always been her house, he has worked low paid jobs and gave up work fairly young and cashed in a pension and has paid very little towards the house and the bills.

The only thing he has done is step up with caring but even then that might be bexause he knows his easy life will come to an end if she goes.

So I ask this - if it were your Mums partner would you want them to have a claim
on what could be your childhood home and potentially your fathers money as well?

and why is his relationship with his daughter HER responsibility

What a horrible, mercenary , calculating woman! Has your Dad never thought of what would happen to him if she died? She’s had years of care from him, she let him maintain her house. I wonder what would have happened if he had needed care from her! Talk about using him! As he gets on with her children, is it worth talking to them about your fears for your Dad?

He’s helped to maintain the house, and the fact that he cared for her is a very big issue. I don’t like how he has treated his own children , but the partner is very cold and hard and need to be told that she does have an obligation to to him, now that she’s sucked him dry!

You have no idea if it was sneaky or not. Let's be honest your father knows the woman and loves her. I doubt after two decades together he hasn't got a measure of her. Also, he has known the whole time he isn't on the deeds of the house. He's not paid rent. If he hasn't prepared for his future that's on him.
Also, don't feel you owe your father anything. If you don't want to house him, you don't have to. He's a grown man who got himself into this mess! I would be more sympathetic but from your posts he doesn't sound a great father or grandfather. Remember that should the time when he lands on your door!

What an absolute heartless cow, I am so sorry for you and your dad.

People can't really win. They are defending a man on this thread and getting told it is mumsnet double standards. If we were all saying "tough luck, it's her house. Out he goes!" they'd be told this was mumsnet double standards and if it was a woman people would be sympathetic. How can people win?

This, all the 'poor man, you must intercede' comments are ridiculous.
An abandoning, feckless waste of space, he's been a sperm donor, not a dad/gf to op and family, yet she's now meant to be his rescuer?

But one assumes it was a transactional contract - he got to live there all expenses paid and in return he did DIY

they both knew what the score was. The only issue is cancer being the absolute bitch it is is taking her earlier than they both anticipated.

I get the impression she has been clear from the get go about the financial side and he hasn’t put any money in at all

he is no different really from a lodger - although actually they would have paid some money

However, nobody who loves someone makes them homeless, that's just the way it is.

I wonder how much provision the OPs father made for homing his own biological children?

Also think its telling that the DSM 'has no idea' if he has savings - sounds like a cocklodger who got a good run out of it IMHO.

He will be fine - he will get an over 55s flat off the council. Maybe DSM and her DCs are concerned he doesnt have the funds to upkeep maintenance or even pay utilities on what might be a family sized home. Why does one man need this space for 20 odd years - if I was one of your DSB/Ss - I would want him to move on with his life and let me have access to the asset/cash my DM had built and protected for me, my siblings and her DGC.

What amazes me is that his partner seems to expect YOU to do something for him, despite knowing what sort of a Dad he’s been!

He’s cared for her and maintained her house, I.e., done quite a lot for her in return for being housed all these years, but he’s done bugger all for you. Why does she think that you’ll help out now? Presumably because you’re a nice person and she knows that you will. She’s so manipulative . 😡

If I was ever to spilt from my husband and moved someone else into my home I would do exactly as the OPs 'stepmother' did. She's protecting her assets for her children and I cannot see why anybody else wouldn't. I wouldn't allow my new partner to contribute financially to the house either. Of course it's different if you remarry; but then in that situation I wouldn't remarry, because I would want anything I had left to go to my children!

I don’t think it is double standards in that it is a simple transaction - he paid nothing towards the house and she paid for everything (presumably to make sure he did have no rights) a situation he was aware of.

if a woman found herself in the above I would caution her to be careful because she could find herself without a house and to prepare for her future

You cannot compare second relationships with no dependents to one with children they are very different things.

I would also advise making sure any assets in a relationship where children exist are kept quite separate like she has done

I didn't read it as her expecting OP to take him in. More her warning OP that her dad will expect it.

The only thing I know is that OP has no obligation to her father at all. I find it strange that her stepmother called her, giving the impression what happens to her father is OPs responsibility.