Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

Same here, with a GM who remarried (an old friend and neighbour) late in life. The old chap was allowed to stay until he died or had to move to a care home.

If he’s 70 we will have been together 30 years and there’s no way on this earth I would expect him to move out of his home. There’s money held in trust for maintenance and executors to ensure that happens. My dad has been married 40 years. My step mums family all live at least into their 90’s and she’s younger than him. Do I mind waiting until she dies until I get my share of inheritance even if it’s 20 years ? Of course I don’t, because I’m not a dick.

Could she put a time limit on when he has to move? Like 5 years? That could give him breathing space to arrange his next life stage but meet her requirements of a timely inheritance. It seems so cruel to throw someone out who you purport to love.

So he’s basically chosen to throw his hat in with his partner and her family , making zero effort with you and your family for several decades.

personally I’d be offering some support but not a room..

He has never contributed to the house financially. She has always paid for everything and they have separate finances. That incinerated that they've always been aware that the house will go to her kids. He knows he won't get the house or have a right to live there. We dont know if he is fine with it or not and we have no knowledge of his finances. We are also all assujong thay her kids are hartless and will kick him out the day the mum dies. It is possible that he has been 20 years of rent cause he knew this would happen. Her children might be happy for him to be there for 6 months to look for something new. There is nothing indicating that he has been clueless or this is one bait amd switch that he couldn't have prepared for.

She sounds awful! I would tell your dad that she called you when he was asleep so she could say what she did to you. Your dad is in a vulnerable position and if he has got capacity to make unwise decisions (e.g. staying with her) then there’s not a lot you can do about it. He will end up homeless and have a lot of regrets if he stays with her but that’s his choice.

I said about this in a tread about non married females who have children with the man and get kicked out without a penny,
it is wrong, the should be a law about fair shares, as that is the family home.
can he not sue for recompense for being her unpaid career?

I truly feel for you OP, on both fronts. Your father abandoning you, and this happening to him. I wonder if he makes bare minimal contact with you over the years knowing this could happen and he may need to ask to live with you, so he's keeping the lines of contact open with you only for his benefit.

I'd tell him he needs to ask to stay with these step kids he's ooooohhh so close to. After all, he chose them over you, they'd never turf him out, right? I'd be telling him he made his choice and needs to show up on the step kids' doorstep. Not yours.

PS This is another 'what happens when you don't enter the legal commitment of marriage' story. Part of me thinks he made his choice not to marry this woman he so claims to love so much. He refused to do the decent thing and put a ring on it, so why tf should she show any legal commitment to him? He didn't love her enough to commit to her - the ultimate proof of love, he got what he deserves imo.

I think where the 'step'mum' is wrong is allowing this man to give up work to care for her - at that point she became morally financially involved if not legally, as he was giving up his income and ability to save for retirement for her.

What is your Dads financial situation though? How much does he have and sidles he put towards the house. And what is his age that is unclear here as well

because I suspect he cannot afford the upkeep of the house rather than the physical upkeep

I think you need to talk to your dad, it's not going to be a huge shock if he already knows the situation and you owe nothing to this awful woman.

Find out if he has any money put aside, ask him what he plans to do if he has to leave the house, he needs to be thinking about that now really.

You don't owe him anything though, he didn't bother with you when she came along so you're under no obligation to be housing him when he's turfed out of hers.

He gave up his job to care for her. Do you know what care costs if you get professional carers in or live in a care home? He also does DIY and looks after the house as she is in a wheelchair.

I do think this is largely on him - if he knew the situation as he must have done, but hasn’t made provision for himself in the event of her death.

If the stepmum came here looking for advice everyone would say “make sure your house is protected for your children”. I don’t think she’s done anything wrong tbh.

Well, the one thing I think she’s done wrong is have this private conversation with you where she basically preps you to take responsibility for your Dad. Thats not your responsibility especially as he didn’t do anything for you when you were younger or make any effort.

Some one needs to talk to him - ideally her- so he can start getting his ducks in a row.

But it sounds as though that only happened a few years ago so really he's had 20 odd years while she has financially supported him by covering the mortgage and any other housing costs. If he chose to not put aside/invest the money he was saving then he's reckless and the situation he finds himself in is his own fault.

@Tray80 I’ve heard people talk about a trust with a period of time for the remaining person to move out by (say 2-5 years) as opposed to the life interest kind of trust (not a lawyer, so not giving advice here). I can appreciate that someone’s kids shouldn’t have to wait 20 years for an inheritance but not making any kind of allowance is mean. Unless their relationship has been over and it’s just some financial arrangement (doesn’t sound like it from what you said). I guess you have a couple of options - ask your Dad what he intends to do if she dies, and what he intends to do if she doesn’t given this revelation (awkward but needs asking - as in he should make a case for something better than the current ‘get out immediately’ way things are now), suggest to her that while you understand it’s not his house, he has looked after her and spent his own money effectively, which is is his contribution and she’s morally wrong to cut him out completely and morally ought to make provision of some sort (small lump sum or delayed house sale for a period of time). And perhaps ask her kids what they would do if the worst happens - they may decide they will give your Dad time to sort himself out. What a difficult situation.

if she dies he can make a claim under the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependents) Act 1975 on the basis that he was her cohabiting partner and was financially dependent on her for at least two years prior to her death. So if she wants to be a bitch about it, her kids can deal with court proceedings which I’m sure they will be very grateful to her for.

OP I understand you are inclined to see your dad in a good light, and you know him better than we do.

But this reads like the reverse of some of those threads we read on here, projected into the future. A man gets into a woman's home, feet under the table so to speak, and then it's a combination of: he doesn't contribute/he pesters me for sex/he doesn't see his kids/he drags me down/he says I'll never do better than him etc etc. And we all say: get him out.

I'm not suggesting he's done any of those except not maintain the relationship with his kids, but the point is: do YOU know that? You know him as a rather distant and largely absent father who you make the effort to keep in touch with. And you say he was more involved with her kids, but are you sure? Easy to see that as the kid who's not being considered (I deeply sympathise btw).

His wife might well have good reason to not want her children to shoulder the responsibility for housing him and possibly taking on some of the elder care if he's in their house.

In any case she is within her rights. If it's the case that he's been a bit of a cocklodger for 22 years, then she's got in there, made things clear to you, might be expecting him to give a different narrative to you and muddy the waters in fact. She's pre-empted this. Do you know for sure that this is over the top? Do you know him, and the facts of how he treated their relationship, her children well enough to be able to question her actions now?

There are alternative explanations. She might be an awful, controlling person. She might be being controlled by her children. She might have flipped a bit out of understandable fear.

I don't know. I just know we read this sort of story at the start of it, and this seems to be a logical end of it, iyswim.

This is exactly what I thought. It's the fact that in her mind, he won't be long after and you will get everything.
Though I understand her logic in one way, her consideration of you will continue in her Death as it did in her lifetime 😞

The 26 year long partner of your dad has literally just said she doesn't give a shit about your dad's future when she dies. Literally.

I would say this to your dad and tell him he owes her nothing and let her figure out her own care going forward.

The pertinent difference is that your Dad has remarried.
In the inheritance hierarchy, you are now second place to his wife unless he has a Will that says differently, so you’ve no choice but to wait!

And you assume there is money to be made available for a trust for repairs, maybe every penny is in the house.

A family member has this arrangement. He is quite a lot older than his wife, they each have adult children but not together. If he dies first, then she is legally allowed to remain in the house for life, but won’t inherit it, so can’t pass it on to her own children.
I think it is a fairly common way of protecting inheritance to children from an earlier marriage, while also looking after the interests of a spouse.

He gave up his job to care for her

Presumably his choice?

Depending on the care she needed/needs that may not have been too bad a gig?

Yes, the Act covers cohabitees - see s1(1)(ba) and (1A). They are entitled to reasonable financial provision for maintenance from the estate - what that actually is depends on the facts of the case - and I have lost track of the case law here. On the facts as described, I would think that some provision is reasonable. With luck, this could be agreed without going to court.

Acting like you are married when you aren’t isn’t a great idea really. Your dad should have had this discussion years ago and made provisions accordingly.

Trust me the the money isn’t all in the house.