Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

Guess you're not good at reading complete paragraphs.

How's his relationship with his partner? Not good I suspect after learning after her total disregard for him. Good luck finding a paid carer if you survive your op. Might have to dip into some of that inheritance with any hope.

This is awful of her, but you don't know what their relationship is really like. She already thinks he's fragile and won't carry on for much longer if she dies, yet she's kicking him in the teeth by not giving him the right to live in the house or a share of the proceeds if it's sold. Other people marry their partners when they become aware they need surgery of this nature and may not survive. She can make a will to ensure her children get their inheritance and it isn't expensive. I don't think it says much about her at all, but we don't know what happened in her past relationships, etc.

I wonder if her illness has affected her personality (it happens) or her children have said things to her and she doesn't think there are alternatives?

One thing to be very clear of though OP, it is not your responsibility to house your father and I wouldn't given your living arrangements. This will be the part you'll find difficult I think.

She has always funded everything they've had done on the house and never let my dad contribute a penny as she always knew the house would be left for her kids. Now I see it as her been very clever if not a bit sneaky!

It's a shame for your dad, but I wouldn't call this sneaky considering he's lived rent free all these years; it's exactly what we'd urge a woman with an unmarried, live in partner to do and he could quite easily have asked her plans about the house or saved up for himself

He didn't have to give up his job and pension to care for her either, but unfortunately he's done a lot of assuming and it's come unstuck

You've still not said how old he is, but if as you suggest it's unlikely to be long maybe the "decent" children will allow him to stay for the rest of his life - otherwise it's probably going to involve a visit to the council's housing department

well talk to him about it if you’re concerned but frankly I don’t think you should see him as your problem, as you say he’s not been there for you. I think there arrangement is strange, I’d expect a surviving partner to be given life interest but she’s not led him on he’s had ample time to discuss and agree things between them.

She told you she told him OP, doesn’t mean she did. You do not owe her silence, I would tell your Dad and do not tell her you have.

I'm in a similar situation. My Dad and his partner have been together almost 40 years. Her late husband's life insurance paid off the mortgage, so they both presumably take care of the other expenses for the home. I don't know the details, as I'm less close with my dad than you are.

He is older than his partner and in rapidly declining health with memory problems too, but I don't believe he is diagnosed with dementia yet.

I'm expecting he will pass first, hopefully not for a long time of course. But should she pass first, I expect that we'll take him in so that her children can have their inheritance. While it seems callous, I can understand how difficult it is when the partner might otherwise remain in the house for a long time. I would hope that they allowed a grace period to remain in the property of at least 6 months to a year.

We can fortunately make space for an aged parent to join us, but with mine being divorced for so long, it would be difficult to take in both! They are in their early 80s, but my mum is in better health than my dad, so hopefully I wouldn't have to choose. (I have siblings too, but am in the better position to take at least one in.)

He is free to find somewhere else to live. She has the choice of moving in to a nursing home , paying for carers to come in or being looked after by her own children.

He has always been free to make provision for his latter years. You know, during those 20 years that he was living rent free.

If he closer to his partner’s kids then they can take him in.

Your post is all about how mean she’s being, but your dad sounds like pretty much a waste of space as far as his own child and grandchildren are concerned. So, really, why do you care? Of course it’s because he’s still your dad but I think you need to put some distance here yourself. You’ll have to talk to your dad at some point and make it clear you’re not stepping in.

So if your dad wasn't paying any rent, presumably he'd have been saving up a lot over 20 years to get himself somewhere?
If not, that's very foolish of him.

If he has been paying into her mortgage and paying for and doing home improvements he should collect eveidence of this and see a lawyer as soon as she dies, register himself as an occupier of the house etc.

If she lives, he will have to go back to work full time and explain to her that he cannot afford to be an unpaid carer as he will be homeless at some point if he doesn't work and save up.

But that "apart from on a practical level where he's done things himself" could have saved her many £ depending on what they were and could have precluded him from doing overtime. Doing a DIY kitchen renovation, for example, could save a huge amount of money and take a lot of time.
I've seen just how much care someone in a wheelchair can need and how much it takes out of someone to be the sole provider of that care so I don't think it's black and white either way without knowing a lot more than even the OP does about the details. And care certainly doesn't come cheap so again, he could have saved her more than he could save from a low paid job.
It could be the OPs dad has been a bit of a freeloader with his head in the sound or it could be the DP has taken advantage of a good nature and financially abused him. I suspect the OP will never know the truth either way, given the relationship, and we certainly don't.
Best thing would probably be to point him towards Shelter for some knowledgeable advice.

Not sure what has been said already on this thread, but i think realistically she doesnt want a situation where you end up inheriting the house from your dad, which is kind of fair enough really, as she would want her house to end up with her kids.

Surely once she has passed away her kids could just allow him to carry on living there.

Presumably when they got together your dad was a man in middle age with assets and a full time income. He’s gone into a relationship with his eyes wide open with an explicit arrangement to keep separate finances and has not made any contribution towards his DPs mortgage or household maintenance. They’ve had a mutually beneficial romantic relationship and she has provided 100% of the housing costs during 20 years of it. You can’t go into a relationship in middle age or later life with someone who has children and expect to inherit the home they have bought with their own money, in large part before the relationship started. Your dad has been extremely short sighted and naive and it’s not up to you, or his wife’s dc, to rectify that. People leave their assets to their kids - she could allow a lifetime interest but she doesn’t want to. Not everyone does. My mums friend has one and one of her late DHs kids has died and the other is almost 80 (mums friend is 94). Your dad’s Dp is being contradictory (he could live 20 yrs vs he won’t be far behind me) but she has considered allowing him to stay and decided against it. It sounds like the sort of house that needs maintenance and she doesn’t want it to deteriorate while an aging man with no money tinkers around it. When it comes down to brass tacks she wants her kids to have her money - I don’t think she has been sneaky about it - he has always known. He’s not going to have to wild camp along the salt path - he will be able to make a claim for housing benefit in over 55s social housing (unless he’s spent the last 20 years rent free making provision for himself).

No one falls in love as quickly as a homeless man

Quote of the day!

Ps maybe the kids would consider renting the house to your dad

Say he’s 70, and lives till he’s 95.
Then her kids, (who will most likely be retiring age themselves by the time he dies) will have had 25years of being “landlords” responsible for the upkeep and maintenance of the house, along with all the legal obligations that involves, but receiving no rent! I wouldn’t want to be saddling my kids with a burden - an asset thats tied up for potentially decades, and potentially costing them a fortune, what if it needs a new roof, or heating system? That’d all be the kids responsibility.

Another option is that he moves out now and lets her children care for her. I would if my partner of 20 years didnt give a toss what happened to me after they passed away.

He should propose!

While your dad was a shit dad - and I HATE men who forget their old family to focus on their new I would tell him.

Although this story rings odd.…

Why would she tell you this?

This is what I had in my will originally

house is mine. Will be left to dd but they dh would have had life rights to live in it

but now we have split. That has changed

I’m guessing @Tray80thst if your dad has no savings or a place he will apply to the council and hopefully get a council flat in over 55 place

but you would have to say he was homeless and not able to live with you

I’m sorry your dad’s in this situation but he’s had 20 years to prepare for it. Where did his salary go for 20+ years while he wasn’t paying a mortgage?

She is callous and he should take some legal advice about the fact that he gave up work to care for her. That makes this very different to a “cocklodger” situation because she has received a benefit at his expense. I hope the law changes on this because it’s wrong to live with someone for that length of time and they are then entitled to nothing despite contributing (which he undoubtedly has). I hope she survives the operation, that he dumps her and she has to pay carers for the rest of what is hopefully a pretty long life. Then she might have a think about the fact that she couldn’t even give her life partner the right to occupy even for a few years.

OP your Dad might have a claim on her estate, I’ve copied this that I posted on another thread recently

An old Aunt of mine died 13 years ago. She had outright owned her home for many decades and had written her Will very clearly saying that her children were to inherit everything
When she died she’d had someone living with her for 5 years. He contested the Will, saying he was financially dependent on her - he won. My cousins had to hand over half of the money that the home sold for

It's unlikely your partner of 25 years plus will be left homeless after taking retirement, and the financial burden, to care for you for several years.

Not ALL circumstances are the same, the reason why I posted to the OP telling her father, if she so wishes, to consult with a solicitor if indeed he's left homeless.

I think it's fair enough that she wants her house to go to her kids. Why hasn't your dad made any provisions for himself his entire life? This can't be the first time he's thought about it. Women are always told on here to protect their assets and their children's inheritance, she has done exactly that.