Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

We don’t know that she hasn’t - only that he doesn’t have a right to continue to live in the house after her death.

Was in an adjacent situation with my DF and SM last year, long story, so won't go into it in detail. Main difference was they had been together 40 years and married for 25.

Two things that might be useful to know:

A solicitor we consulted advised my Dad to register a formal interest in the property via the Land Registry. Apparently anyone can do this, and it's useful to stick a flag on the property when it's being sold etc and if there are disputes. The downside is that the property owner is notified, which is why my DF didn't do it, as he had to leave due to violence towards him due to her spiralling mental health issues.

Secondly, if your DF walked away at this point, he would be classed as making himself voluntarily homeless so the council might not be interested unless he has significant health issues or vulnerabilities. If my DF hadn't had a record of police involvement at the house that corroborated he had to leave for his own safety, he would likely not have qualified for assistance. Advice would be to stick it out until the lengthy eviction process goes through the courts, and he wouldn't be classed as officially homeless until the bailiffs turned up to turf him out. Have had a bit of experience of this as I was under a Section 21 at the point where my DF turned up with 3 bin bags in total shock. Point is, council will also ask for contact details of close relatives who might be able to house a homeless person, and if I hadn't been under a Section 21 I would have been expected to house him long term. They also demanded my son's contact details to see if I could stay on his sofa in his and his partners one bed flat.

Point is, this situation may get very complicated if your DF hasn't the funds to secure alternative accommodation, so getting legal advice etc is crucial in order to make plans.

As for the emotional / moral stuff, humans are weird, messy creatures, and hard though it is, the focus should be on practical damage limitation.

My DF died in April after a year of hell at the hands of my SM and the council, and my SM has cut me off entirely. She even refused to come to his funeral. And she's definitely someone else's problem now, entirely due to her choices. Hey ho.

She could survive the cancer and live for years, with your dad no better than a cheap carer/slave.
You can't keep this from him. Tell him so he can make choices based on reality rather than expectations.
He should at the very least start charging her for his services.

I hope you never get picked for jury duty 😂

I suppose giving up work to be a primary carer is the least the sponger could do as well eh?😂

Who will be paying for this good lawyer? Op's father has no money and litigation is notoriously expensive.

Putting aside all the legal stuff and the fact that your dad might end up homeless, I just want to acknowledge how hard, and possibly unfair, it feels that you’ve never really had the joy of a father in your life. Your children haven’t had the joy of a grandfather who tried to know them. And yet, somehow, you’re the one carrying the burden of worrying about his fate. It doesn’t seem fair. It’s like you’re getting all the heaviness and sadness of a relationship, but none of the love or connection that should come with it.💐

What has he done with all the money he saved presumably not paying a mortgage or rent for the last 20 years?

This. Step mum is soley thinking about her family and OP should do that same.

Why OP should have any loyalty towards step mum is beyond me. She should think soley of her family and tell her father. In fact the only reason step mum has told OP is she doesn't want her partner of 25 years to be a burden on her DC and DGC. She wasn't telling her for any concern for him, just so OP can arrange for him to silently fuck her after she passes.

She is not the villain here! Aren’t most women advised to ring fence their house for their DC?

Your dad lived rent free for 20+ years. He contributed to bills - as he should - but didn’t set any money aside, why is that? Was he counting on her house?
He stopped working to care for her but surly he had decades before that to earn, didn’t he?
He also didn’t make an effort with his own daughter and GC - that is not on his partner either.

I think the carer thing is valid, but anyone who can turn their back on their own child and grandchild in favour of someone else's, to me is unforgivable. This thread is close to my heart as my FIL is similar and now in a similar situation.

They’re not married, so he has no rights at all. He’s essentially a houseguest.
If he’s paid no rent, no mortgage for 20 plus years he’s surely got a healthy bank account?
He also doesn’t sound like he’s been a gold star dad or granddad, so bluntly he’s not your problem if you don't want him to be.

DH and I have significant assets, but we've had conversations about what happens if one of us dies prematurely as we both want our assets to go to our kids, not a new partner or new partners kids. Not marrying again is a big part of achieving that!

I think you need to not make this your problem. He hasn’t made effort with you as his daughter. Don’t feel you have to swoop in and sort it all out.

At the end of the day, he’s made no provision for her death. As a couple they could have taken out life insurance on her life to ensure he had a lump sum to buy a new property if she passed. They haven’t done that or made any sensible plans. He also needs to be very clear about what he intends to do should she now survive as she’s made it clear she’d leave him in the shit if she died. Either way, I’d have thought he’d have a good chance to challenge the will and then all hell will break loose. He should consult a lawyer.

I think your dad needs to take some legal advice (Citizens advice have a panel of solicitors that will give free advice) on this - I'm almost certain that he could show he has what's called a 'beneficial interest' in the house. It means he might not be kicked out of it and made a homeless (as a starter for ten) and perhaps there might be a financial outcome too.

the beneficial interest might be proved 'if you can demonstrate a financial contribution to the purchase or significant improvements, and there was a common intention or agreement that you would have a stake in the property.' (that bit taken from the internet).

And a bit more reading; https://www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/property-rights-for-unmarried-couples/

It doesn't sound easy for him. Might be better to start looking at the local housing register to see what's available? (sorry - that might be inappropriate - not sure of your dad's circumstances wealth-wise).

He's going through a lot too - and if she dies next week, even more so - could he come and stay with you short term perhaps?
Good luck, either way.

Yeah he's only built a close relationship with them over the last 22+ years.

How is his relationship with the OP, his biological child? How far does he live from her?

What are the terms of the trust? I might be mistaken but my understanding of something being held in trust means that it doesn't go directly to them, there are usually terms involved. In my uncles case, his partner was able to live in the house until she died or remarried, and which point it went to various family members.

If he’s not been paying towards to mortgage and only been paying towards bills does he not have savings?

But it doesn't need to be you. He has made minimal effort with you over the last few decades, why should you suddenly step up to be a crutch for him? If he has no independent means, the state can provide for him. If he were a mumsnetter, and had posted this, people on here would be telling him that he should not have left himself so financially vulnerable. I know this sounds harsh, but why should his poor planning be your problem, particularly when he has been mostly absent from your life?

She should have set up her will so that he can live there until he dies or wants to co-habit with someone else. On his death the house then passes to her descendants. After all these years that’s the fairest way: yes her family have to wait for their inheritance but they’ll still get it

A similar thing happened with my grandad (dad's dad). We were very close, my dad's mum died when my big sister was just a few weeks old. My parents lived a few doors away and for months my grandad was barely coping with the loss of his wife so my mum cooked tea every night/housework etc.

He always came on holiday with us and we saw him a few times a week.

When I was about 6 we suddenly saw him less and my parents found out he'd met someone.

My mum was really happy for him, didn't want him to be lonely but really my dad wasn't great. He felt like his dad was being unfaithful to his mum in some way, even though she'd died 10 plus years ago.

For years and years we hardly saw my grandad, he completely absorbed himself in his partners family, she had a big family and grandkids etc.

We felt quite bitter at the time but in hindsight I can see that yes he did leave us, but also my dad wasn't exactly welcoming to his partner so didn't make it easy to do things (he wasn't mean, just standoffish - quite ridiculous either way).

Anyway roll on 30 years and they were still together, he lived in her house, really happy together. She went in for a routine op which unfortunately went wrong and she went to ICU and died 2 weeks later. Again my grandad just shut down, he was devastated and almost silent.

Her family seemed to take this that he didn't care, and asked him to leave her house as they were selling. This was within a couple of days of her dying.

He went to live with my parents and about 10 days after she died he became very ill, massive PR bleed and was taken into hospital. He went on to have a cardiac arrest and died 2 weeks to the day after she did.

The cause of death was officially DVT but unofficially we know he died of a broken heart. He couldn't cope with losing another love.

Her family still weren't great. They asked if they could have his car, they'd bought it 50/50 I think but they wanted it for one of her grandsons. The alternative would have been to sell it and split the money but it wasn't a particularly fancy car and my parents were to full of grief to bother with messing around with it so just let it go.

They were allowed to the house once, for 1 hour to take some of his things, but it was very much my grandad's things only. They came away with a few of his tools from the shed and a lovely rose bush (thankfully in a pot). We put his ashes in the pot and the rose thrives every year which is lovely to see.

So, if you've kept up with all of that!, it was shocking to see, like you're seeing, that after 30 years of togetherness he would have been left with nothing and the family that we feel he left us for, actually just kicked him out. He'd been at all their family events, Christmas days, birthdays, christenings, holidays, he saw them almost weekly. It meant nothing to them in the end.

I'm sorry for what your dad (and you) are going through.

Now that he’s been given a heads up I think he needs to find his own place to live.

I can't really get past the bit where he hasn't bothered with you and you kept going round with gifts. Walk away, he doesn't care about you so stop caring about him. He's made his bed, now let him sleep in it.

If i was you, i would of told her there & then you have no room and no desire for him to live with you and they both need to sort out their mess.

We have done the same. Pre retirement DP will move out and sort himself out. Post retirement he can stay in the house until he remarries or cohabits and then the house passes to my children. They’ll get savings etc when I pass but they’ll have to wait for the house. I think that’s fair

Working and living rent free.
He had 25 years to prepare. The DM's boyfriend cannot take the family home.

Have I missed a post from the op where she said her dad was a great father figure to his partner’s kids? I think she said he spent time with them which isn’t the same thing.

My mum has been with her partner for over 20 years, since I was 14. In no way whatsoever has he ever been a father figure to me and we are not close. Time alone doesn’t mean a good relationship.