Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

The truth is you don't really know the dynamics of their relationship and what goes on behind closed doors. They've never married which maybe she holds resentment about or maybe he is really really bad with money and she is rightfully trying to protect her own house for her own kids. Maybe he gambles or buys stupid stuff which is why she doesn't trust him.

However this doesn't mean you have to step up. You should be asking him what he plans to do if this happens and make it clear to both of them that he cannot expect support from you given that he has been largely absent. What preparations has he made for his future (and your inheritance) from the money he has saved by not paying a mortgage? Reading between the lines nothing, and the partner sounds a bit pissed about this. Yes he has done work and paid bills but he should still have more saved.

If she has been taking everything off him then he can see a solicitor now and seek to have a charge placed on the deeds while he contests the will. He has an implied interest in the house.

I have also asked upthread but still curious, would the OP’s dad really be considered as financially dependent on his on his partner, after 20 years of working but also not paying mortgage or rent?

Op what a horrible situation for you. You've been sidelined for years and probably now expected to pickup the pieces.

Your dad has left himself so vulnerable. The fact your step mum has rung you makes me think that they expect you to have him stay with you. Whether you can or will is only a question you can answer.

What happens though, you suddenly play happy families and your dad never sees the step children (which he prioritised over you for years)?

Personally I would tell them straight. Tell your step mum your not keeping the phone call secret, tell them both they need to make a plan for your dad's living are arrangements if/when she passes and perhaps suggest that he says with the step kids especially as he's so close to their children.

They've had the best years of him and you'll be stuck caring for an ageing old man.

I would say if she pulls through, your dad needs to think seriously about whether he wants to continue caring for someone who doesn’t care about what happens to him after she’s gone. Morally I think she needs to leave something in the will to acknowledge what he’s given up to help her, and time to find somewhere else to live rather than being turfed out while grieving.

Her needs to stop lifting a finger for her.

It's all explained in the original post.Op doesn't have much of a relationship with her father.

Op your kinder than I would probably be in the situation to a dad who has shown he doesnt care much for you

I can see both sides tbh. You dad should have made preparations for this happening the same as any unmarried women. The fact he cashed pension in is insane.

I think you just need to take this as it comes. At least you know the situation. Prepare, make some enquires with social housing etc. Perhaps talk to your dad about the assets he does have.

Why, he loves her. He just has to accept it is her house, for whatever reason he hasn't protected himself legally. Of course she'll leave her assets to her dc.
He can rent when she's gone?

OP you are such a decent person.

In the short term I think the only thing you can do is appeal to your dad‘s partner’s better nature and ask her to put something in her will saying that your dad would have six months to a year to find new accommodation if she dies.

I would probably start doing some research to find out what your dad‘s options are because clearly he is not doing these things himself. You don’t want to find yourself in a horrible situation where your dad rocks up at your house with a suitcase.

If your dad’s partner gets through this operation, okay then I think you should sit down with them both and highlight the vulnerability of your Dad situation as well as the efforts he has made to look after his partner. If he clearly sees that he will have no security then he’ll have to make a decision whether to stay with her. The potential to withdrawal of his practical assistance and care could make her see things in a different light.

I also think you need to be a bit selfish here. Actually not selfish, protective of self. You seem so lovely that you could agree to taking your dad in at the expense of your own happiness and that of your family. That’s why I think finding out alternative housing arrangements for him would at least help you to direct him to other options if they are needed.

Good luck. My dad has really withdrawn from the wider family in the time that he has been with his new partner. It’s very hurtful I know.

My brother in a similar situation. He was controlled and manipulated to give up everything to his partner. He also consented because he is weak.

Could your father apply for social housing? I understand the house is her familys but she could let him stay until he dies. He is old now. What a cold and uncaring woman.

It wouldnt make any difference if she left the house to her kids in her will.

🙁 When did it become the norm that children are relying on expecting an inheritance. Seems to be all anyone talks about these days. Expecting ‘their’ inheritance. Very distasteful. At my fil’s funeral the funeral director said many people don’t have formal funerals anymore, for their dead relatives. They simply turn up for the death certificate so they can start the claim to get their grubby mitts on some cash/ property. 👀🤢🥺😡

I think you are being a really big person OP, to bother to care this much about a man who abandoned you. I personally wouldn't let him live with me. But I have a feeling that you will. I hope he doesn't cause too much bother for you after he gave such little care for you and your children

The funeral director has a vested interest in promoting that view, you realise? You must pay him for all the bells and whistles (horse drawn carriage for the coffin is popular round here now, my fucking God) or else you are a bad, wicked, greedy heir with only an eye on the £££ (unlike the nice honest to God funeral director).

I have left strict instructions I am not to have a funeral. I had better start telling people so they don't think my kids are sending my corpse "out the hatch and down the chute within the hour."

What are you hoping for? That is man who has lived rent free, after abandoning his own children will be able to deprives another woman's children of their mother assets? His partner is looking out for her children. Your fathers decision to not do that for himself or his children is not her fault.

Rent free for 20+ years is more than enough time for him to have made provision for his latter years either by investing in his pension or an another property that he could move into/ sell on retirement or her death.

That's a fact not a mean spirited dig.

Put yourself in her shoes. Would you deprive your children of your assets if you were in her situation or tie them up for 20-30 years? Nobody knows how much longer your father will live.

Its hard to know with a partial picture:

Was he paying towards the mortgage? If so he has a claim on the equity.

If not does he have a nest egg? Any assets of his own?

Has she put any provision for him at all if house is for her children? I.e. life insurance? A pension? A provision he can live in it til he "quickly follows her"?

Did he know this for the last 26 years or last few weeks?

I can understand if its hers solely, her wanting it in trust so if she does it goes to her children not your dad then you.

Id be talking to him, because you might need to go to council with him about his pending circumstances to be on a housing list or looking for properties he could rent alone.

Tbh if this was always the plan I dont think shes been awful, but i do think your dad needs help to plan for a potential future alone

Frankly, she's a cast iron bitch, and has used him royally - all she needs to do is give him a life interest in the house, and it will still pass to her dependents.

But instead of doing that very simple thing she is prepared to see the man who has adored her, and cared for her homeless.

Lovely woman!

Not RTFT apologies. Whilst I don’t think she sounds like a caring person at all, I do see this from the other side.

When my dad dies, I will be selling his house straight away and using that to pay off my own mortgage if I still have one. I have no other reason to keep a property I don’t want, it was not my family home and it’s not somewhere I’d ever live. Why should I protect his girlfriend, who has had ample time to save her own money? We get on fine, she’s nice enough, but it’s not up to me to look after a grown woman who has been working her whole life (and has also owned property in the past and sold a place to move in with my dad). Where was your dad living before? What has he done with his money?

I’m not heartless and would allow her time to find a new place and not just turf her out, but I also wouldn’t be waiting 20 years for my inheritance either. My dad is my only parent so if I am to get any inheritance, it’s from him and his girlfriend has two children. He is already giving her a third of one property he owns abroad - which my I will also be selling. When I’ve spoken to him about how he makes sure his girlfriend is taken care of, it’s of this third from the abroad property so thankfully there is also something, but he was surprised when I said that I’d sell this property as his girlfriend sees it as their home. I’d rather he just left them to me and then in his will expressed that she should get some £££ as I feel like selling this property is going to be complicated and stressful.

I do feel for you, OP, and it’s great that you care so deeply but remember it’s on your dad to also sort himself out.

If they do he should claim the cost of the care he's provided and used his pension fund to enable.

The person to blame is your dad. He might be vulnerable now but he wasn't 20 years ago. They have separate finances and never married, so he knew the situation from the start.

Ultimately, even with a low paid job, he should have been able to put money aside if he was only paying half of the bills. He should have known to do that.

She clearly was honest from the start if they never married and kept finances separately. He had the choice to leave the relationship if it wasn't what he wanted. He had the opportunity to save and invest in all that time.

Unfortunately, it comes accross that your dad is a passive person and failed to consider the future. Its very sad as he must now be very scared and must hate to think its now fallen on you to take over decision making, but O think your dad is in the wrong, not her.

Of course I know that too. There’s a difference between the horse and carriage and the bonfire get rid soon as poss cos we need some cash guv. It’s a matter of respect and celebrating a persons life (for my fil it was actually amazing to meet people we’d either never met before - he’d lived abroad, travelled lots of big jobs, or hadn’t seen for a while, all there because they were his friends / loved him). You don’t have to spend that much. But still each to their own, I respect that too. But not the people whose aim is simply to get the cash.

To be blunt when she dies your father needs to go to the council as he will be homeless and they will have to house him. Don’t take him in as he will then be classed as having a home. Take the time now to talk to him about what will happen.

She has covered his housing costs for decades. He has only paid his share of the utilities and food, that's it. Any repairs were paid for by her. They never merged their finances so there was never the feeling that this was their joint house.

She has not used him, the arrangement suited both of them for different reasons. It was up to OPs dad to make sure he put money away for his future. They didn't even have kids together.

This frankly

the partner is trying to manipulate OP, simply so her guilt is lessened, and partner can tell herself she’s not turfing out the father onto street, if OP doesn’t step up it’s op’s guilt

op should go round, talk to both at same time. Tell him step mum has been round and talked to her. Say she can’t “home” dad at any point, even temporarily, if that’s what step mum was thinking, That he is naive to have not made plans or saved money for this eventuality, but it is not the op’s problem. Wish step mum good luck with operation and leave

and know that probate can take a while, and so can a house sale that can’t happen till probate is granted . Dad can stay put as squatter frankly and let her kids go a legal route to get him evicted whilst he looks for somewhere to go

they don’t own house till probate granted, that’ll take around three months with a simple will.

im guessing the step mum knows this, knows the father could refuse to budge voluntarily until he’s forced and is trying to put pressure on OP to intervene to get her father out of house quickly before probate granted. And make things easier for her kids to sell house quickly

point is, they can’t kick him out on day of funeral. Not that easy. He’ll have some months to sort himself out with council etc whilst they line their ducks up.

This was her family home before cock-lodge moved in. It should remain her family home, the gravy train is over.
Caring for her in the later years was the least he could do.