Dads partner leaving him homeless after her death.

[Tray80]

Appology in advance for the huge thread but mainly feel like I need to vent so here goes! My dad and his partner have been together for 26+ years, living together in her home for 22 years. Although I was close to my dad as a child, our relationship dwindled as I approached my adult years. I guess he just stopped making an effort once he met my stepmum, as they tended to spend most of their spare time with her kids and grandkids.

Even though they only live 20 mins drive away they never visited including when my babies were born. They put mine and my kids birthday/xmas cards in the post every year. We speak on the phone a couple of times a month( when I make the effort) and I call around to see them half a dozen times a year, always bearing gifts on special occasions for eg birthdays, fathers day, Xmas etc, so basically it's always me making the effort. It used to really hurt my feelings when I'd see how much effort they both made for my stepmums side of the family but after 20 years of seeing it I just learned to live with it.

For the past few years my stepmum has had a terrible run of health. My dad has retired to take care of her as she has been wheelchair bound for quite some time. Unfortunately she's now been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that there's a 50/50 chance that she may not make it through her operation next week. Needless to say the whole family is devastated, including my dad. I called to see them last week and while walking in the garden my dad broke down and told me that he doesn't know how he'll carry on living without his partner. I can tell its taken a huge toll on his health too as he's stopped eating and taking care of himself and even had a nasty fall, which is so unlike him.

Today I received a call from my stepmum. I was really shocked when her number came up on my phone as she's only rang me twice in 23 years. She told me that she wanted to talk to me while my dad was asleep. She said she wanted to lay down the ground rules of how things would play out for my dad if she was to pass away during her surgery next week. It was explained that as the house was legally hers, as it was in her name, she would be leaving it in trust to her 2 children and grandkids, meaning that if she was to pass away, then my dad would be homeless. Apparently she had explained this to my dad a few weeks previous, which timed in with the fall and his sudden run of bad health. I believe this to be due to stress as he'd just been told that in 2 weeks he could possibly be loosing the love of his life, and now also his home. I know that my dad has always been aware that the house was hers and hers only but I don't think he was expecting to be turfed out so fast. I could kind of understand the rush if my stepmums family were struggling financially but they're all very well off. I asked about my dad's financial situation, if he had a bit of a nest egg to get himself on his feet if the worse was to happen and she said that she doesn't know, as they've always kept their finances separate. She mentioned she didn't trust him to take care of the house after his fall. She added that she thinks that once she's gone my dad will probably just give up on life and not be far behind. She also pointed out that hes very lucky that hes been able to live mortgage free for 20 years.

I can't begin understand the stress she's under with the surgery loomimg and the possibility of not making it out. I really don't want to see her in a negative light as I know my dad loves her more than life itself and they both need kindness and support more than anything right now, but the conversation I had with her last night has left me with a bitter feeling. She asked me not to tell my dad that we'd had that conversation, which I will respect. I just don't understand why she'd told me at all, as it clearly wasn't out of concern for my dad but rather a concern that he wouldn't leave the house when shes gone. I feel maybe she was prepping me as she knows he'll be landing on my door step when her kids sell the house, which in turn seems like a smack in the face when neither of them have ever made any effort with me or the kids. I just keep looking at my husband and trying to put myself in her situation. Could I purposely leave my husband financially destitute? I couldn't! The other part that is bugging me is that if all goes well for her then she'll be at home being cared for once more by my dad, the same man she was turfing out on the streets if the worse was to happen. I feel as though hes just being used. I really hate feeling this bitterness about the situation and I know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all so hoping that someone else's take may help me see it all in a different light. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If you made it to the end then thanks for sticking with me!🤷‍♀️🤯

I think you should speak to your father - for all you know he has money in savings or a buy to let in the background that he has never mentioned to her or you. You may be worrying about nothing. So establish the facts today.

Too many men lose focus/contact with their own blood relatives. It’s very odd but I have seen it so often. Live the life of riley, leaving the ex with the child related tasks. Nice cars, spend their cash each month. Then in older age expect a woman, sometimes their very elderly mother, a new lady (nurse with a purse) or a daughter or sister to help them out.

This is just stupid. He doesn't need squatters rights he has the right to live there until he's legally evicted and he may have to go through that process as he doesn't have money or an income. But why deliberately make things difficult? Malice?

Do you actually know that they won't leave him that time? It will be up to the executors to make decisions, and they can decide to let him stay at least till the house is sold.

This is my thinking. It's her home and she's simply protecting the interests of her DC & DGC.
As sad as it is, your dad will need help finding somewhere to live.

For those saying he has no claim under the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act because they aren’t married, this is incorrect. The categories of people able to claim under the act are not closed categories, and an unmarried partner may establish a claim IF he can show that while she was alive, she was providing for him and he had a reasonable expectation of that continuing.

These claims must be brought within 6 months of probate being granted though, or they are time-barred, so he needs legal advice now.

I just googled your statement -
In the UK, cohabiting couples (those living together but not married or in a civil partnership) do not automatically inherit from each other's estates if one partner dies without a will (intestate). Unlike married couples or those in civil partnerships, cohabitants have no statutory right of succession. This means the surviving partner may not inherit anything, even if they have been together for a long time or have children together.

Honestly op I would say to your dads partner that you are going to tell him because this affects you all.
In the nicest way you can say he has been her carer and has looked after the home and kept it pristine.
That you want some kind of clause put in the will that your dad can stay in the home if her operation doesnt go well.
She has probably already told her kids what the plan is.
Can you get legal advice does he have any rights at all .

@dementedmummyis wrong: there is no concept of “statutory cohabitants rights of succession” for privately owned property in England

I’m a bit surprised at a lot of the replies to this thread. If the person in this situation was a woman everyone would (rightly IMO) be commenting that they were daft to put themselves in a vulnerable position by not having their own money / house etc etc. That she shouldn’t have relied on a man all these years. If she was living in a house owned by a man who she hadn’t married everyone would be telling her she needs to get her name on the mortgage or it written in to the will that she has a right to live there, or should have a savings pot of her own in case the worst happens.
This is something your Dad should have thought about before now. He’s lived somewhere rent free for 20+ years! Fair enough he’s been paying towards bills and holidays and living costs, but he’s had free housing for 20 years. It’s quite right that it’s not his asset to inherit, and sadly that does mean he’ll have to find somewhere else to live. That’s potentially what can happen when you don’t plan for your own future.
Respectfully OP this isn’t your problem to sort. Hopefully she will survive her operation, and after that there need to be frank conversations
between them about provision for the future. If he’s not working so as he can continue to care for her, then it’s only fair that he is recompensed for this. If she won’t change her stance on providing any provision for him in her will, then he needs to return to working at least part time to be planing for his own future. If that means she needs to pay for some care or her kids need to care for her as well then so be it!

He will find it impossible to contest a will that leaves things to the first line next of kin blood relatives. He is a nobody in the law. He needs to get his stuff together - things that are his outright (storage unit if there’s more than a suitcase) and leave today. Go to the council as homeless.

While it sounds very hard nosed, she is being open with him, and apparently he knows the situation. He has not been paying rent etc, so should have been saving for this eventuality. I hope he has been for his sake, or he will be in a tough place if she passes away.

"Too many men lose focus/contact with their own blood relatives. It’s very odd but I have seen it so often. Live the life of riley, leaving the ex with the child related tasks. Nice cars, spend their cash each month. Then in older age expect a woman, sometimes their very elderly mother, a new lady (nurse with a purse) or a daughter or sister to help them out."

Lazy, lack of social skills, lack of emotional intelligence or just plain entitled? Not saying all men are, of course.

OP as a PP said you should also bring up the free care he has been providing for years and not working, and future care. I’d advise him t9 seek legal advice about this.

Do not let him just move in with you!! I can’t stress this enough, it’s not your responsibility.

Have you got a vested / self-interest in the house?

As you aren’t close to your dad and haven’t had much relationship with him, it feels that part of the story is missing.

In no way is he co-dependent! There is some real tosh on this thread. He has retired - presumably from a job that paid him a salary - and has a state pension? Plenty of threads on MN to show that, even if he was an unmarried, cohabiting young mother, her home-owning partner could boot her out at a moment's notice "why didn't you force him to marry you!!" - why should an older man who's had a free roof over his head all these years be any more deserving? Where's he stashed his savings? How is he co-dependent?!

If people don't get married or don't get their name put on the deeds there isn't anything you can do sadly.

He'll surely have loads saved if he hasn't been paying towards the mortgage.

As an aside I'm sure she'll survive the op. No reputable surgeon would undertake an op if there was a high chance of death. That said, he'll of course carry on caring for her at home but he just needs to realise the accommodation is a temporary thing.

I’m guessing she called you to tell you this to prepare you to inevitably take him in. She’s appealing to your better nature knowing that won’t leave him on ice in need But also feels that she’s doing you a favour by giving you the heads up.

I do agree with PPs That she should’ve allowed him to live there until the end, and then the house be given to her children - But I suppose there is nothing you can really do or say as it is her property.

Such a crappy situation

OP, I think your father would have a claim under a law called the Inheritance ( Provision for family and dependants) Act 1975. Essentially, this would allow your father to make a claim against the estate. I'd suggest that you get in touch with a solicitor to discuss - I've been out of practice for over a decade but when I was practising in this area we'd have taken a case like this with no problem. It's up to you whether you get preliminary advice now or wait, but it may be helpful to understand the options. If he doesn't want to take legal action I'd suggest that that's his choice but relieves you of responsibility as there would be something he could do.

Please tell your dad about the conversation.

If she had told him why ask for secrecy?

regardless surely if you are as concerned as you say then talking to your dad now means you’ve made a plan and he isn’t left having to approach you to plan should this woman die and he be left homeless. Get it all out in the open so you can all be clear on;

• what she said
• how much he knows
• what his plans were if he knows
• his finances
• if he doesn’t know what plans can you make
• if he has no finances again what plans can you make
• what happens if she lives eg planning for his future stability so he isn’t in this position again

Dont trust a woman who has sworn you to secrecy re the future of your own father?

I hope you are ok as this is an awful situation to be in but don’t be duped by a woman who no doubt has told her children and said to them/her side “I’ve told his daughter so everyone knows”

Air it and get planning, as whether she lives or dies your dad will benefit from the frank conversation.

It doesn’t indicate controlling behaviour by her necessarily…

been there

my mum died aged 60. After 40 years of marriage. Dad was with his new partner 8 weeks after her funeral. Within 4 years of meeting her he’d pretty much dispensed with us his kids and our families. Would frequently cut one of us or another off for stupid reasons ( usually because we objected to how he spoke to us, or calling him out for forgetting a grandchild’s birthday etc)

frankly it wasn’t a surprise, he’d not been happy in the marriage and told me at a young age, he only stayed because he didn’t want to be on his own! He, like many men, did that stupid thing of “ prioritising love”…stuff like “ I put her first “. Didn’t understand that love is like a balloon, it’ll expand to deal with more people , as we all know when we have kids.

he was self centred, lacked empathy, was emotionally immature and simply couldn’t be bothered to put himself out to maintain relationships with his family, when he could be wallowing in the affection and attention of his new devoted partner.

they had 25 years of happy times though before he died. Fair enough.

they never married, though he wanted to, she wanted to be financially independent. They both had houses. He left his house in trust to her. And she got a proportion of his estate . She never lived there full time, so is now sitting on a house she rarely uses and is empty most of the year whilst my eldest sibling, as co trustee, is expcted to run around and look after it, and her when she decides to visit. He can’t say stuff that, because he’s trying to protect his and our interests in property. He is so pissed with my dad

but neither were controlling, just self centred and self absorbed

You only have her word that he knows. I would 100% talk to him about it.
I agree with other posters, if she DID tell him, it’s going to be bloody awkward between them now surely?
But you really don’t owe him much either, the minimal effort he’s put in over the years, I’d be giving the same back whether she’s alive or not.

NRTFT as very long so apologies if I’m repeating what others have said.
In your DF shoes I would find it difficult to love the woman who has decided I’m good enough for diy and caring duties but don’t deserve any home security.
I would be looking for over 55’s accommodation or something and move out asap. Let her kids care for her if she survives the operation.

You really have to return to this thought. Let it be your mantra: THIS IS NOT MY PROBLEM.

He was a crap neglectful dad to you. On one hand, poor silly financially irrespons sod. On the other, he has no assets and has been a kept man for 22 years. Despite having never cared to forge a real relationship with you, he will have two hands out to take from you (financially, emtionally) once his current female keeper/fixer/sponsor is dead. Don't let him.

You are already assuming the mental and emotional burden of this for someone who has not been a good dad to you. Don't.

He never made an effort to buy his own separate small place with a view to being independent during his own life, or of having an asset to leave to you. Thoughts of your security have never ever figured in his plans. Guess it is biting him in the bollocks now. Not your problem.

Please do not spend a single penny on helping him move, legal advice for him, housing him temporarily (he won't go anywhere) or anything.

The money would be much better spent on therapy to help you untangle why you still care and worry so much about someone who found it all too easy to detach from his parental responsibilities to you.

He is not worth much sympathy when all is said and done. I reserve that for the daughter he turned his back on.

A will to the first line blood relatives won’t be overturned to a person unmarried, no right to the property, who claims to have been a partner to the deceased. She left it to her first line blood relatives and it’s the law even if there’s no will.