Finally called my DH out on emotional affair with colleague

[FenbieMum]

I know not everyone will agree to this but I looked at my DH’s phone last night which confirmed suspicions I had around his friendship with a female.

I confronted him and he has downplayed it.

This is the specific exchange I am particularly upset by.

general conversation about an injury his colleague sustained by falling over on a night out
Colleague - do you want to see a photo of the bruise
DH - go on then
Colleague sends photo
DH - 😰😰

The photo was of a bruise on the back of her thigh BUT it’s taken from a bit of a distance so her whole body below the middle of her back is in view and she’s wearing a tiny pair of underwear. Completely inappropriate.

DH says his reaction was about the bruise and not her body! I think he is taking me for a fool. He’s making me out to be some sort of nutter who snooped without reason.

Would you send a photo like that if you were only showing a bruise?! And to a colleague of all people

Op commented a bit further down to say they constantly message out of work hours… always sees her number pop up on his phone

I had a similar situation with DH receiving a photo of his young colleagues bare leg up to her knickers apparently to show a swollen knee.
This sort of photo will be part of a completely inappropriate relationship; messaging about non work related matters, maybe non work outings; coffees etc.
What a cheek she’s got!
You need to stop this flirty relationship now dead in its tracks. He needs to commit to stop messaging her out of work hours and he needs to prioritize you by telling her it’s stopped because her actions are threatening your marriage.

Look at the title of the OP - FINALLY called DH out...

Finally

So there is history.

But what are these messages like? Are they as flirty? Sorry - again just playing devils advocate and trying to get a wider story OP … before I instantly tell you to leave your DH! @FenbieMum @Piknik

Thanks for the reassurance everyone. It’s a pain I can’t quote multiple posts but I think I’ve remembered the main points.

They have worked together for a few years. She used to be his manager, and he then got promoted to the same level. So they are now direct peers if that makes sense. So to the question of would they have had time together outside of work, yes for socials and occasional overnight travel as part of the wider group of managers as the company has another site a few hours away.

She is in a long term relationship as I understand it but not married.

The other messages I saw were mainly ‘memes’ back and forth, and some work chat about a troublesome direct report. I didn’t get the chance to read as much as I’d have liked as I was completely taken aback by the photo.

What I do now I do not know, I’ve no evidence of anything else just a feeling. He was very dismissive and not understanding of why I found it ‘off’. Compared it to browsing social media and seeing colleagues in holiday photos etc and asked whether I’d have an issue with that too.

Don’t be gaslit Op!
Of course it’s different to browsing social media because it was sent to him directly so it’s a personal message to him and because it’s showing more of her body than she’d normally show on a public site.
Would it be possible for you to get hold of DH’s phone and look for other messages photos etc? You may be surprised at what you find!
In a similar situation I demanded access to DH’s phone and found many more things I wasn’t happy about. Then at least you will know what the situation is.

From your description - back view/bruise on back of thigh/ wearing pants - the image sounds like it is along the lines of this....

If so, I challenge ANYONE to say that it a suitable picture to share with a colleague. It's bullshit.

Sorry OP but I agree he's gaslighting you. Let's give him the benefit of the considerable doubt and say he's not already reciprocated or encouraged the flirtation. It should still be glaringly obvious to him that her sending the photo is completely inappropriate (if not reportable to HR) and he should have told her that. Instead, he opted for the dickish cliché that you're overreacting. That tells us a lot.

Did she start singing " Islands in the Stream " every time they had a s*.😁

But i bet he would have an issue if you did the same to one of his work colleagues wouldn't he

Even worse that they are managers aswell
Unfortunately you will have to keep your radar on it and and do some of the suggestions here such as potentially change her number to yours in contacts

Sending love and strength

Absolutely Brilliant 👍

How would this actually work though? Surely as soon as he clicks on the name, the previous messages appear, since the phone recognises the number, not the contact name. So, assuming he has ever texted his wife, then those messages would pop up not the OW and it would be immediately obvious what has been done and he wouldn't text. Unless I'm wrong? 🤔

Phone number swapping won’t work.

His excuses are weak. He’s encouraging her nasty behaviour, and disrespecting you in the process.

Don’t get into more discussion about this. Tell him you’re not a mug and if he can’t behave, he can leave.

Ask him if he would mind if you sent a male colleague a picture of you in your underwear even if the context was an injury. That’s comparable not a holiday pic on social media.

So I would be clarifying that you are free to send and receive a picture of this nature to/ from a man.

Not RTFT but this is one of those situations where you need to get hold of his phone and do some investigating.

Wouldn't it be lovely to see this respectable picture on op's husband whatsapp profile.

I didn't see anything wrong in his response but intuition is everything.

He's gaslighting you!

Send her one back of you. X

Dear OP,
I am sorry you are going through this as it is not ok. Either your DH is unbelievably naive or he is enjoying the flirting & trying unsuccessfully to justify it.

Do you have children together?

Has this kind of situation happened before in your relationship?

Stay calm & strong.

He shouldn't have stormed off for the day he should have cared about your upset and tried to smooth things over and reassure you

Gaslighting prick

He's now gaslighting you, which is abusive, but then so is cheating, so it's to be expected as he has already cheated on you. He knew for a fact that the things he was doing and saying would NOT be acceptable if you were in the room, and he did them anyway. That's cheating, and he will be hiding plenty more.

So funny love this

I was just asking

@ZippyBrick

... and I was just clarifying 😁