Finally called my DH out on emotional affair with colleague

[FenbieMum]

I know not everyone will agree to this but I looked at my DH’s phone last night which confirmed suspicions I had around his friendship with a female.

I confronted him and he has downplayed it.

This is the specific exchange I am particularly upset by.

general conversation about an injury his colleague sustained by falling over on a night out
Colleague - do you want to see a photo of the bruise
DH - go on then
Colleague sends photo
DH - 😰😰

The photo was of a bruise on the back of her thigh BUT it’s taken from a bit of a distance so her whole body below the middle of her back is in view and she’s wearing a tiny pair of underwear. Completely inappropriate.

DH says his reaction was about the bruise and not her body! I think he is taking me for a fool. He’s making me out to be some sort of nutter who snooped without reason.

Would you send a photo like that if you were only showing a bruise?! And to a colleague of all people

If she was just a work colleague there is absolutely no way she would have been confident enough to send him a photo of herself in her underwear.

She was certain the photo would be well received. That shows how deep their relationship is.

They work together, spend lots of time messaging when not at work and send undwear pics to each other. And yet he presumably is supposed to be in a monogamous marriage. Lots of boundaries being crossed and it's well on it's way to being a full blown physical relationship - if it hasnt already crossed that boundary too.

It is off OP. The two emojis are a little over the top.

I don't send pictures of myself in my underwear to my colleagues. I once did to my gay best friend, but I wasn't married then - I wouldn't even do that now as it is disrespectful of my spouse.

I wouldn’t do the natural thing and make it an issue. You’ve discussed it and he’s not admitting to anything.

Personally I’d say I’d thought about it and you think it’s fine to have friendships like this. Then show him a nice photo of some rugby blokes bruised rib ( and six pack) and say “Matt” is just a mate from the gym.

I dunno. In my relationship we are really open with stuff like that, we tell each other and ask for each others opinion wether someone is crossing a line or they're just being friendly.

So for one of us to have a suspicion that something is going on, then feel the need to snoop, then find an inappropriate picture, that would be enough for either of us to call the other one out. Ambiguous emojis aside.

The husband should know it's inappropriate, and disrespectful to his wife, and then tell her. Unless OP has form for going ape shit and taking it upon herself to message the offending party and not letting him handle it.

But he didn't handle it. He should have made it clear that such a revealing photo wasn't cool with him. He didn't. He essentially gave the green light for it to escalate. That's what he did wrong.

Any woman who thinks it’s ok to send a picture of herself in her underwear or pants to someone’s husband is asking for trouble. And any husbands who thinks it’s appropriate to talk at length with some sole women who’s not their wife and comment emojis on body part pics (no matter the context) is also asking for trouble. Xx

If I'd sent a work colleague an emoji I thought meant one purely innocent thing, then was told it looked suggestive my response would be "oh shit! How embarrassing! And now what if Steph thinks I'm flirting with her?" And so on. I wouldn't get all defensive about it.

And I thought I was naive!

He could have shut it down. That what someone who respected their wife and valued their marriage would do.

It's what I would do.

Jeez either you trust your husband or you don't. I'd be more concerned about how you both conduct your relationship. If I was worried about a friendship my husband had I would discuss with him where we were in our relationship and ask him what he felt he got from this friendship. We would talk like adults. I personally think the odd cheeky friendship is fine. I am secure and I trust my partner.

Once I starting working at my partners job, it had mixed changing rooms which served as the break room also. A girl walked straight up to my partner, wearing a thong and no trousers, and started chatting to him. I thought it was strange and I thought it was funny.

What he’s done wrong is not with respond with “Brenda, it’s not appropriate to send me this and I apologise for agreeing to receive it. From now on we should communicate only in a work context.”

That's a sweat emoji. Two of them

My male friends (happy, in committed relationships), would be deeply uncomfortable if I sent them an undies pic. Everyone's different, but I think the "brother test" is a good one. Would you send it to a brother (or other close, male relative, if you don't have one). If not, it's not appropriate.

This too. I'm on a group WhatsApp with the ladies in my department at work. It's mainly photos of people's allotments, dinners and cats. On a few rare occasions, a holiday snap of one of them in shorts and a tshirt. Never once have I received a picture of any of their arses.

Well if it’s all innocent, he won’t mind reporting this to HR will he? I’d suggest this to him. Because if he’s not involved in any way with her, then her behaviour is totally inappropriate sexual harassment.

But of course he’s very much involved with her. A picture in her knickers is proof enough. Nobody sends that to a colleague unless they are really quite involved. I would also suggest that he’s probably got physical in some way if she’s sending that. Snogging, groping, even sex. That’s a fair bit of nudity she sent him. There’s no way to find out if they’ve had sex as he’ll never admit it, but it’s a decent possibility unfortunately.

@FenbieMum what @LadyLolaRuben did with the number is smart, although the outcome wasn’t great as it confirmed her the suspicions 😩

OP what was the rest of their conversations like?

Do you have a relationship where you both know and admit you want to fuck other people, but swear you won't? Not judging if so, just curious.

There was a certain resemblance😂😂😂

This is spot on

Is this woman married ?

If so this picture needs forwarding on to her h.
He could decide if it's appropriate.

But really you need to get rid, tell him HE no longer loves you and you want a divorce because loving loyal husbands do not behave this way.

Disguting pair of shits, gaslghting you.

You're being unreasonable to believe a single word he says and pretend it's not gone further than "emotional" affair which is just another word for cheating anyway.

Absolutely inappropriate, I had a massive bruise right under my bum after a fall in the shower but I cropped it to only show the bruise if anyone was curious.

Ugh so sorry OP. I had my boyfriends female colleague messaging him out of work hours sending selfies of her walking home from a night out and he sent her a photo of our dog in his dog bed, at night whilst we were watching tv. That was intimate enough for me! 😂 I shut it right down and explained that kind of back and forth texting is kind of inappropriate when you are in relationship (where does it lead if it continues?)

you did the right thing - confronting him about it, always awkward to admit you’ve been through messages! But you had a hunch. The female colleague sounds so desperate, maybe you’re better off without him!