Finally called my DH out on emotional affair with colleague

[FenbieMum]

I know not everyone will agree to this but I looked at my DH’s phone last night which confirmed suspicions I had around his friendship with a female.

I confronted him and he has downplayed it.

This is the specific exchange I am particularly upset by.

general conversation about an injury his colleague sustained by falling over on a night out
Colleague - do you want to see a photo of the bruise
DH - go on then
Colleague sends photo
DH - 😰😰

The photo was of a bruise on the back of her thigh BUT it’s taken from a bit of a distance so her whole body below the middle of her back is in view and she’s wearing a tiny pair of underwear. Completely inappropriate.

DH says his reaction was about the bruise and not her body! I think he is taking me for a fool. He’s making me out to be some sort of nutter who snooped without reason.

Would you send a photo like that if you were only showing a bruise?! And to a colleague of all people

OH, i I've only just realised, after a pp, it's NOT the tear emoji.!!!
OOO.
I think, if this isn't physical, it will be soon. Sorry OP, hope I'm wrong.

Also would he be pursuing the friendship outside work/asking for pics of bruises if it was a 60 year old woman he was friendly with?

In my experience men aren't generally interested in that level of detail about a woman's life unless they fancy them.

I would not be sending a picture of a bruise on my thigh to any one other than husband.

I’d probably be asking him to move work places and cut this person off.
He should also speak to HR. Can you imagine what would happen if a female colleague sent a ‘get well’ message and the man responded with a photo of his body in the same way??? There would be a lot of uproar now. It’s really not ok!!!
So that’s her behaviour.

Your DH needs a serious talking to. If he is going to continue down this road it won’t end well… he needs to show remorse and commit to rebuilding trust. If he won’t do that, you’ve got some thinking to do. Sorry he’s behaving like this xx

I would get a copy of the photo and pop it a work “reply all” email. No message.

I’ve been working for 20 years and never once sent a picture of my arse to a colleague. Or received a picture of a colleague’s arse.

He’s not the one who did wrong here.

She sent the inappropriate picture and although he should have shut her down, he also didn’t let it go any further.

This was a perfect excuse to start a much more flirty conversation but that didn’t happen and so from that alone I wouldn’t worry too much about him wanting her.

It sounds like he’s just enjoying the attention, rather than it being anything he wants to pursue right now.

But you obviously have your suspicions which is why you went through his phone and it’s very clear that she fancies him and he needs to put firm boundaries in place.

It’s a totally inappropriate photo to send.

It won’t have been the first photo.

This is not an emotional affair. It's already physical

Trust your instinct

I wouldn’t send such a picture to a work colleague, because I’m not an attention seeking fuckwit. It’s hardly likely to gain you professional respect is it?
It doesn’t look like he responded to take the conversation further but he absolutely should have shut it down and his defensiveness is an issue. I don’t necessarily think he’s taken it further but I’d say he’s enjoying the attention and that is one slippery fucking slope.
Personally, I’d tell him he’s welcome to continue with this seedy flirtation if he wishes, but if that’s the case, be honest about it, because I’ve no desire to be married to a man like that and will take appropriate steps to remove myself and leave him to it. Cold and calm is the way here. I would also have to ask if he’d be happy with me sending pictures of myself in my underwear to any of my, or indeed his, male colleagues? He’s an idiot 🤬

Ask your husband to take a picture of you in your underwear with a texta drawing of a spider on the back of your thigh.
Choose a clear one including your underwear.

Ask him which men you should send that photo to?
List family, work mates etc. Who would appreciate the spooky photo?
I bet only your sister and best girlfriend he agrees would be appropriate recipiants of the shot.

You should also speak plainly to the woman about her bruise shot. Ask her how her thigh is looking now and tell her she was totally inappropriate to send the picture to male work mates.

I would also approach the Boss and PR about her inappropriate communication. Complain soon while Coldplay Concert Cheaters are on everyone's mind.

Sorry to say but the sweating emoji is certainly suggestive of some feelings on his side. Of course he will downplay it. Inappropriate for her to be sending a married man a pic of her in her underwear. Was there any other messages that pointed to an affair? Why do you say emotional? Are they not in same location for it to be physical?

He's really insulting your intelligence. It's plain as day. He used a sweating emoji in response to a photo of a colleague's (almost) bare arse to convey concern about her bruise? In what way does a sweating emoji do that? He's taking you for a complete fool.

It's possible that her photo is a "testing the water" attempt, and that they may not already have begun a physical affair. However, they are clearly headed in that direction if they haven't already crossed the line. The only hope now, is for him to have a kind of epiphany and return to reality, realise what's at risk and drop her like a stone. If he's going to minimise and lie and pretend this outrageously inappropriate relationship is not a threat to your marriage then it's unclear how the situation can possibly resolve in a positive way.

If I was going to send a photo of a bruise to a colleague it would be a picture of the bruise, not a picture of me in my underwear.

Sorry you’re in this position, OP. The choice of emoji is suss (I understood it as him being steamed up but I suppose the sad face sits a bit oddly with that) but even without that it’s so incredibly inappropriate all round. Your H doesn’t need to see his colleague’s bruise and she seems to have used it as an opportunity to send a photo of herself in her underwear. It’s just not okay and deep down your DH knows that.

If you are checking his phone to confirm suspicions you have then I think you know the answer. You don't trust him and rightly so. It's inappropriate to send a picture of your arse to a married colleague. They must be either flirty enough she wants to test the waters, or already physical.

How long have you had suspicions? Have they had opportunities to be alone together?

I really don’t know what kind of places you work at. I work 2 jobs, FT hours in total, with lots of men. Even though I’m older, I still get flirted with by people my age, and I just look at them strangely. Why? Because I’m married, got kids, I’m not an attention seeking low self esteem narcissist, I’m there to earn money for my family, go home and forget about work till next day etc. etc.

Being friends with your colleagues is ok, but that’s it, “friends”. It’s not ok to swear like a trooper, bring your sex life to work, or get involved in their personal lives.

Tell your DH you are upset and rethinking your marriage and send the absolute shitters up him. When he gaslights you tell him “I’m not an idiot. Don’t you dare gaslight me”.

Of course its inappropriate!! Excuse to pose in her underwear. Even without this, lots of texts back and forth? No, its all wrong.

If I sent a picture of a bruise to my work colleague they would think I have lost my mind.
What you have described, suggests intimacy.

Sorry OP.

That will escalate to other even more inappropriate photos I think, that's how it starts. Don't believe him, he's b/s you.

My first thought on the emoji was ‘I’m sweating/flustered/hot under the collar’ but of course people have different perceptions of what emojis mean. If i was shocked or horrified by the bruise, i myself would used a different one, not one sweating. Personally it would ring alarm bells for me too. Sorry OP

As others said - trust your gut. It is NOT normal to randomly send your colleagues or friends photos of ones arse. She's chasing him like a shameless slot that she is. He needs to put a stop to it of come clean and divorce

HR?!

Is it fuck the sweating post is him saying how hot the photo is