Finally called my DH out on emotional affair with colleague

[FenbieMum]

I know not everyone will agree to this but I looked at my DH’s phone last night which confirmed suspicions I had around his friendship with a female.

I confronted him and he has downplayed it.

This is the specific exchange I am particularly upset by.

general conversation about an injury his colleague sustained by falling over on a night out
Colleague - do you want to see a photo of the bruise
DH - go on then
Colleague sends photo
DH - 😰😰

The photo was of a bruise on the back of her thigh BUT it’s taken from a bit of a distance so her whole body below the middle of her back is in view and she’s wearing a tiny pair of underwear. Completely inappropriate.

DH says his reaction was about the bruise and not her body! I think he is taking me for a fool. He’s making me out to be some sort of nutter who snooped without reason.

Would you send a photo like that if you were only showing a bruise?! And to a colleague of all people

Just google searched the emoji and it's meaning is anxious/stressed ie coming out in a cold sweat. It's not 'you're getting me all hot and bothered and I'm sweating'. People need to stop making up their own interpretations!

Did you read their other messages or did it look like they had been deleted?

If that’s the only inappropriate message I would be giving him the benefit of the doubt that nothing had happened at this point BUT as you can see from everyone’s responses it’s unlikely it’s completely innocent on either part. She likes his attention and he’s playing along. Is that alright with you? If not then you need to tell him the consequences of continuing to act that way.

Nip it in the bud now before he does something he can’t take back. You need to ask him to choose — no contact with her or you will reconsider your marriage. Get him to prove she means nothing by cutting contact. If he’s going to choose her now then he would choose her later down the line once things develop. I’d rather know now.

Of course this is dodgy AF.

Don’t let him gaslight you.

I’d call her out on this, send the photo back to her with a ‘is this the kind of photo you send all the married men at work?’ I’m bored of not calling shitty behaviour out when I see it.

And I’d insist on full phone access to his phone to check that this isn’t a full blown affair.

What a predictable, cliched arsehat he is!

Similar happened to me. All so very innocent apparently, just ‘work colleagues’.

If you sit back and wait, more will pop up. More photos, more work meetings together, more apparently innocent texts. And the answer will come to you.
Plus the risk of it ending up with HR is real.

And 🍆 is just an aubergine.

And what else could that possibly be getting at in this context?

I would do this too and not a single fuck would I give!

There’s a time to act in these situations and a time to sit, watch and wait. You sat and watched and waited and now you have the evidence.

Do it and warn her off. Also warns your DH you’re not a schmuck who is going to take it. Fuck ‘em.

Speaking from someone going through very similar this is not right OP.

A normal reaction would of been him cutting her off - saying "no its ok am busy/with op/ out at moment or just no thanks " to receiving the photo - or if she sent it him anyway which women like that would - him ignoring the photo giving her no attention and say " , am just with op now see you at work tomorrow " just a subtle cut off - definitely not that emoji. Hes either stupid, something is going on or hes loving knowing she fancies him. Getting defensive is red flag.

So sorry you have this stress, sending huge hugs. Don't let him gaslight you. It's 100% out of order. Like the above poster has said -watch and wait and keep an eye then act . It's awful I know. :( 😞

It’s definitely not a sad emoji 🤣

It’s a “hot under the collar” one!

Well I would have used that emoji as a sad one, I had no idea it meant anything else and I know my OH would think the same.
Trust everyone on MN to jump on it 🙄 (rolling eyes emoji)

But it really doesn't matter what Google, or anyone else thinks this emoji is. It's what the OP's husband meant it to mean! There are lots of emojis that have a double meaning. So you just can't stop people making up their own interpretations.

What does her being out of office have to do with anything?

Just asked my husband what he would do in this situation and his first response was ‘maybe nothing the first time and just wait and see what happened’. When I asked him to clarify whether he meant he wouldn’t respond to the message, he said that what he meant was maybe he wouldn’t go to HR the first time it happened (and of course he wouldn’t respond - he took that to be self-evident) but might if a similar thing happened again.

I would be having a conversation with my H along the lines of:

I cannot be bothered to go round in circles with you. I know. You know. You know that I know. That this is crossing a line and you are playing with fire.

If you continue in this flirty relationship, I will be gone. And by flirty I mean all messages outside of work hours and work subjects. You are married, this woman is not your friend and I am not about to try and be a 'cool wife' when I can see what's happening under my nose. You've had your fun. You've had your ego stroked and now it stops.

@ZippyBrick

Out of order.

Whilst you’re on the Googles, you should research the original interpretation of every existing emoji and write us all a handbook so we can stop assigning our own like absolute renegades. Hold on, does this mean 🍑 isn’t an arse? Which one is the shocked face?

Edit his contacts list and swap your number so that his texts to her come to you instead. You’ll soon have concrete evidence of what he’s up to.

I'd be messaging the cow to tell her to stop sending my husband pictures of her arse.

Is she married?

You lot are too nice, I’d be gone

Can I play devils advocate?

Firstly, I am sorry if I am missing something but is there is a lot more to this story?

It is highly inappropriate for her to be sending that, so sooo inappropriate and I would be in a rage…. towards her though. I don’t think your husbands reaction was that bad? My initial thought was he probably felt a bit awkward? Again things all reliant on there not being much of a back story. Do you trust him in general?

What?? No it's not? This is sweating 🥵 this is scared/anxious/worried 😰.

Agree with this. Although now it’s pointed out how inappropriate her message was how is he going to deal with it?

If he continues to constantly message her without any accountability that he has let her feel comfortable enough to send a picture of her in her underwear I would be reconsidering the relationship.

It doesn't really matter what everyone's interpretation of the emoji is- the point is a) she shouldn't sending your husband a photo of her arse and b) he shouldn't be responding with anything other than "thats inappropriate I'm married"

Yeah ask him if you took a picture of yourself in kickers of your leg and sent it to a guy - see what he says. Your DH is being an arse. Sorry OP.

Gaslighting at its finest. Does he usually treat you like an idiot?