Maintenance Payments Ending

[Hula0565890]

The spousal and child maintenance payments between me and my ex are due to end in September as per the court order. From Oct all costs of our kids will then be shared evenly between us.

My ex earns at least 3 times the amount I currently do. AIBU to ask if they will be willing to split the costs more than 50/50 in light of this, appreciating this cannot be enforced?

@susiedaisy1912
This was my experience too. My ex stopped paying maintenance in line with their child benefit ending. I think this was the September after they turned 18 so just before they started uni. I think he contributed a few start of term/end of term lifts and a food box from Lidl but that was it.

That's actually very heartening to hear.

My stepdaughter is 15 and Mumsnet threads have led me to believe that when she heads to Uni, if we don't give her £100s a month, DH is a terrible deadbeat Dad.

She’s not wrong, he would be a deadbeat Dad.

It’s yet another disadvantage that children from divorced families have to contend with.

Well, we don't have £100s a month spare so I guess he'll have to embrace that label. Unless we want to give up eating.

I don't see what having divorced parents have to do with it. We don't have £100s a month to give to my own daughter either and her parents are married.

I meant to quote @Stiffnewknee in this.

Exactly my nephew graduated last year ,his parents ( my sister and ex bil) divorced a few years and student finance was based on my sisters income alone he got full loans both his mum and dad sent him £10/ week for food but that's it .

I didn’t have hundreds of pounds either, but I went on beans on toast because that’s what you do to support your children if you’re not a deadbeat.

But her student loans will be based on the income of the parent she lives with
Some parents don't have £100,s of pounds to send their kids each month it doesn't make them terrible parents.

Well good for you
Why did your child not get student loans ?
What f you have other kids do you expect them to eat beans on toast to do you can finance your child at Uni.?

The point I tried to make earlier, is it seems to be more acceptable if 'together' parents can't (or don't want to) fund Uni. If there's not enough money, then it simply can't happen. But with divorced parents, and particularly fathers, somehow funding uni becomes mandatory, irrespective of ability to pay. I would expect divorced people are likely to have less money than married couples, simply because they are funding two households

I’ve got nothing against dads paying 100s for uni, as longs as mums do to. by the time kids go to uni mums have had AT LEAST 5 years to sort themselves out and get a job (18 years really but I’m being generous) and should be able to fund their own lives and support thier kids. What I do not like is somehow it’s ok for mums to still be working PT or not at all by this point but suddenly it’s all up to dad to fund everything! 50/50 financial support is what should happen and divorced parents need to discuss this early in the process.

I've noticed that, and also that every divorced father on MN is earning >£100k!

We will give SD what we can but if it's really necessary for her to have £100s a month just to survive at Uni, and her Mum doesn't have it either (no idea how much her Mum earns or her finances tbh, they go to Disneyland a lot so she can't be struggling) then she'll have to take a gap year and save some money up I suppose.

We live a modest lifestyle as it is.

You only ever get one side of the story. Like most of the threads on here, you can only truly get balance if you hear the other side.

The other parent often appears to live in a kind of zombie state, where they have no additional costs associated with their (potential) new family and kids, no living costs, no housing costs and no retirement costs.

They do however earn multiple times the wages and are considered appalling by not sending every penny they have to support their adult kids at uni. The value of which by many people could often be considered extremely questionable in the first place (but that is probably a whole new argument).

@MrsSunshine2b
Honestly it isn’t. My DC managed fine. The finance is calculated based on the resident parent. I was working as a teacher so not on a terrible wage but my DC still got full finance. I think the resident parent’s income has to be over £50K before any deductions are made. My DC knew that I couldn’t afford to help them as a single parent paying a mortgage and bills on my own at the time and they did not expect this. Personally I think it made them value their learning and work hard to achieve good results. Both are now earning more than me only a few years later and have a very strong work ethic.

@bumblecoach
How utterly ridiculous and judgemental! I don’t believe any sane adult would do that. If you actually did then I hope you didn’t have other dependents who suffered because you were paying money you didn’t have for an adult who is perfectly capable of earning their own money? 🙄

Gosh, how embarrassing for you.

whatever it takes to launch my children successfully into the world our family will do, Sadly, the other parent doesn’t feel the same way so we as a unit to do have to overcompensate.

I feel really sorry for the other children who have to navigate step parents, 2nd families actively working against them at such a young age. Tragic

So whilst your kids are living it up Uni pissing YOUR money up the wall your sat at-home with your beans on toast 👏👏

My children have a brain. They don’t piss money up the wall because they know how hard I work for it. They additionally work very hard.
You’ve got no idea what degrees they have studied and what they’ll end up being but believe me they’ll be buying me a house in years to come. It’s what supportive families do for each other.
You could learn a lot

When are some going to learn that kids are not piggy banks.

Smug post of the week award

Wow, your poor kids, knowing that you are holding the help you've given them at Uni over their heads and expect them to support you later.

I hate to think what would happen if they choose to change career paths, or become SAHPs, or take on other financial obligations that don't include buying their mother a house.

We might not be willing to ruin our younger daughter's life to support my SD as an adult but we certainly won't expect her to fund our lives after Uni!

So instead of spending your money on buying a house, you're eating beans on toast and expecting your kids to house you at some random time in the future? Poor things with that over their heads from the get-go. Not really a very good example to set, to show that mothers should go without to enable adult children to not have to support themselves.

I think you have the right to give your kids every penny you have and live on beans on toast for a decade to fund a uni education if you want to.

What you don't have the right to do is expect anyone else to do the same.

My parents wouldn't have done this for me and I think they were a pretty long way away from being deadbeat parents.

@bumblecoach
Embarrassing for me? I don’t think so! 😂
You sound completely unhinged. As for you comment about your DC buying you a house in the future! 🤦‍♀️😂 Now that IS embarrassing!
I’m predicting your future post in a few years
’I lived on baked beans to put my kids through uni and they still haven’t bought me a house!’

@usernamealreadytaken
Well said! 👏