Child Free Weddings have always been normal - stop pretending otherwise

[thelakeisle]

Just that really. Every other week some entitled family member trots out the "reasons" why she is super special and her children MUST be allowed to attend someone else's wedding. It's batshit, over entitled and frankly weird.

I do not understand this desperate need to control other people's lives or inability to just turn down an invitation politely.

Other people's weddings - no matter who they are or what your relationship is - are not about you. The bride and the groom are the only people who get to decide anything.

No ifs, no ands, no buts.

So, when you receive a child free wedding invitation these are your options.

1. You can ask very very very politely if your children are the special exception - the answer will be no, by the way.
2. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say yes.
3. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say no.
4. You can accept the situation and throw a tantrum in real life, on mumsnet or any other platform of your choice.
5. You can turn up with your kids and be exiled from most family events for the rest of your life.

And for the hard of thinking:

1. Child free weddings don't mean they hate your children or any children.
2. They will be fine with you turning down the invitaiton, you won't be making any great dramatic stand by doing so, few will notice, probably none will actually care.
3. There are extremely good reasons why some people have made the choice to not have kids at their weddings, dating back right through history this has been a common practice.
4. Again, this is not a new thing. Not at all. You're just not very well educated about the past, or are wearing your Pollyanna goggles.
5. Not wanting kids at the wedding has nothing to do with aesthetics and everything to do with adults enjoying themselves unencumbered and uninterrupted.
6. Your kids are only cute to you, your spouse and maybe the grandparents. Everyone else is just being nice.
7. Your personal story doesn't matter to the bride and groom, and nor should it.

I think that covers it. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

Stands back to await the hurricane of entitlement and faux shock and horror.

Posting with a poll for a bit of a laugh, mumsnetters do love their polls :)

It's bizarre isn't it. I always thought I'd change my mind after having kids, but nope. I also like going out to nice dinners and to the movies without children too, shock horror! 🫣 I'm a SAHM, so quite like to be able to enjoy being in adult company and just relaxing. Call the Church elders and Child Services! 😆

Growing up, every wedding was family friendly. All the children were invited, and not left in a separate room, either. My children were always invited to weddings. In my circle, growing up, family were front and centre.
I think it's a social/cultural thing. Back in the day, weddings were a celebration of a young couple starting out in life, so both families were invited, and friends with families as well. They were always fun, but not "curated" as much as now.
Nowadays, the couple have been living together and often have a home and children. It means something different.
It's not right or wrong either way, it's a choice. I'd never heard of a child free wedding until I saw it on MN. It doesn't bother me, it's just the way things have gone. Weddings are different now.

The thing is, childcare for a full long day including travel, on a saturday, is not very available! It would cost over £100 where i live. Most people struggle with weddings because the family who'd usually have the kids for them are at the wedding too. Plus younger children (under 5) could be really upset by being left with a random babysitter they don't know for a long day.

When i was a child growing up people didn't really use paid babysitters for very young children, they would get left with granny/auntie or a very familiar neighbour, but not a paid sitter. These days people don't have the community support. I find it really weird when people expect a mum with a breastfed baby under 6 months to be left for 12 hours to go to a wedding. No you can't just give them bottles, they will scream all day rather than take one!

I was taken to weddings as a kid. I gave parents the choice at mine, if they wanted to bring them they could, but i didn't provide a nanny in a different room etc.

Child free weddings are a (fairly) recent thing.

People can do what they want, but the OP doesn't get to rewrite history.

Child free weddings are usually rubbish, but obviously invited guests shouldn't say anything to the couple or try to negotiate an exception as it's their choice.

While we may remember going to a wedding as a child... would we necessarily remember a wedding we were not invited too as children, that our parents either attended or didn't, or we had a fun day with a friend or relative?

Child free weddings have been a thing for ever. I had one and that was 24 years ago. My daughter is doing the same next year. The two lots of friends with children who are invited are totally fine with their DCs not being invited - both saying they will look forward to having a day and night away on their own

Just because your experience has been different, you don't get to tell other people their experience was 'limited' if theirs differed. I too believe it to be a more modern concept. I'm 60 and have been to many, many weddings and it's only in the past ten years or so that more have been child-free. When I was growing up and into young adulthood they were certainly considered a family affair; a bringing together of two families, not an adults-only extravaganza. But then again, when I was younger, people parented their children better and they wouldn't be allowed to run around screaming, so they were more welcome.

Whilst I'm not completely averse to the idea of child-free weddings, I think a compromise is needed in certain situations. This week there was a thread from someone who is to be her sisters MOH at a 4-day event, hours from home, at a venue that's not child friendly. At the time of the wedding she'll have a newborn (as well as a toddler) and she's being told she's unreasonable to not leave the kids with childcare. No way I'd leave a newborn for 4 days, but how awful for her that her only option would be to miss her sisters wedding..

There are some very interesting interpretations of time on this thread!

Loads of posters talking as if 1990 or 2000 is 'forever' ago, but in history terms it's nothing.

I think it depends on the type of wedding. If you want a insta perfect wedding followed by heavy drinking into the small hours, then I can see why you would want it to be child free.

If you want a family friendly multi generational wedding with all your friends and family there then you would want children there.

Neither is wrong.

I had no children under 12 23 years ago 🤷🏻‍♀️

We always went to weddings when we were kids and hated it, we used to be so bored

In my experience, children were always there.

I do say sorry I can't come to most wedding. Including one last week. It is mostly childcare reasons and that is the one reason people moan about. If I say I got work, people say ok. If I say I haven't got childcare, they will send me list of local childminders. No, me saying I haven't got childcare, it means I haven't got any childcare option that I'm happy with or can afford. Do you know how much a full day and night childcare cost? I don't want to discuss my finances with everyone who invites me to their wedding. People should learn to leave things be.

The last wedding I went to, there were shameful behaviour. At least according to my personal view. If you say no children, please let people known yes there are exceptions. It is very awkward if the rules only applies to some and not others. The bride side was allowing children and the groom side of the family wasn't allowed to bring children. I see that as shameful.

Child free weddings are fine. You wording the invite like you’re doing me a favour is seriously annoying.

Ive had two worded like that and it drove me mad lol. I’m perfectly capable of deciding how to have fun and whether I’m bringing my kids to a wedding the “we thought we would give you an excuse to leave them behind and let your hair down” approach is weird lol.

Id rather an informal wedding without kids..

YANBU if you are inviting a friend with older children.

YABU if you exclude a breastfeeding baby.

YABVU if you are excluding nieces and nephews, who are integral family members.

I have accepted and attended 2 child-free weddings of friends as I was able to leave them with my Mum. I don’t trust anyone else, so would have declined if she was unavailable.

If my brother or sister tried to exclude my children, not only would I not be attending but they would know how deeply upset I was but I doubt I’d have much to do with them after that. Thankfully, they wouldn’t dream of treating my family or my Mum in such a disgusting manner. Actions have consequences.

Getting married doesn’t give you a free pass to behaving like a brat to your own family.

I’m not a fan of kid free weddings (or weddings with complex instructions for guests about what they wear or do). I find the whole focus on it being a spectacular party a sad distraction from the purpose of a wedding as a way to cement social support for building families and community. I’m much less inclined to go to a wedding that’s deliberately child free, it just doesn’t hold nearly as much meaning for me.

You want to hold a big party for you and all your friends with a nice back drop and maybe the best insta pics? I’m interested but not that inclined to book it 12 months out, spending a fortune on a dress, hotel rooms and presents, unless it’s going to be pretty spectacular for me and not just all about you. But you want to celebrate a marriage and all the ups and downs and ins and outs of life that go along with that? That I’ll go out of my way for even if it’s not going to be my favourite way of spending all that money or time. It has value far beyond the day itself. Having kids there is a part of all the ups and downs and ins and outs.

If it is your wedding, of course you have the choice of making it childfree or not. People with no childcare will just be absent. That's no big deal.

However, I'm in my 60s and have never been to a child free wedding. I have 5 siblings, about 30 cousins, 10 nieces & nephews etc. Plus lots of friends. I've been to a lot of weddings. So I'm not sure they have always existed. Maybe they are just what's normal in different families.

Our weddings, everyone is welcome including dcs. If they make too much noise, they get taken outside during the important bits. But we tend to do village hall wedding receptions, where everyone mucks in and the costs are much lower.

sooooo many assumptions being made about child free weddings

for the "it's all about faaaamily" posters, I had 110 people at my wedding of whom 70 were family, I just had no children under 12 so that I could accommodate that many members of my family

also for the "you just wanted an instagram perfect wedding" instagram wasn't a thing when I got married. What I wanted was for everyone to have a great time which they did

Forever in your terms is 2001. 😁

I had one 33 years ago.

I got married 35 years ago, and we had a child-free wedding (with the exception of babes in arms)

No…that is simply untrue. I had a child free wedding 33 years ago.

I see your point and I’d feel the same if they were my nieces and nephews but I don’t have any and had a child free wedding. I love my friends and family friends but their children are not part of my “village”. If I had invited all of those I would have had 20 1-4 year olds. Meaning the majority of my guests would have left at say 8-9pm to take their kids to bed. I would have had an empty wedding room for most of the night. Thankfully all my friends did childfree so understood that by the time I got married their children weren’t invited they understood

So basically they employed someone to keep all the kids out the way and give all the parents a break… much like a childfree wedding would be?

The rich always palmed their kids off
fhe poor never did