Child Free Weddings have always been normal - stop pretending otherwise

[thelakeisle]

Just that really. Every other week some entitled family member trots out the "reasons" why she is super special and her children MUST be allowed to attend someone else's wedding. It's batshit, over entitled and frankly weird.

I do not understand this desperate need to control other people's lives or inability to just turn down an invitation politely.

Other people's weddings - no matter who they are or what your relationship is - are not about you. The bride and the groom are the only people who get to decide anything.

No ifs, no ands, no buts.

So, when you receive a child free wedding invitation these are your options.

1. You can ask very very very politely if your children are the special exception - the answer will be no, by the way.
2. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say yes.
3. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say no.
4. You can accept the situation and throw a tantrum in real life, on mumsnet or any other platform of your choice.
5. You can turn up with your kids and be exiled from most family events for the rest of your life.

And for the hard of thinking:

1. Child free weddings don't mean they hate your children or any children.
2. They will be fine with you turning down the invitaiton, you won't be making any great dramatic stand by doing so, few will notice, probably none will actually care.
3. There are extremely good reasons why some people have made the choice to not have kids at their weddings, dating back right through history this has been a common practice.
4. Again, this is not a new thing. Not at all. You're just not very well educated about the past, or are wearing your Pollyanna goggles.
5. Not wanting kids at the wedding has nothing to do with aesthetics and everything to do with adults enjoying themselves unencumbered and uninterrupted.
6. Your kids are only cute to you, your spouse and maybe the grandparents. Everyone else is just being nice.
7. Your personal story doesn't matter to the bride and groom, and nor should it.

I think that covers it. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

Stands back to await the hurricane of entitlement and faux shock and horror.

Posting with a poll for a bit of a laugh, mumsnetters do love their polls :)

And what about my other points?

Ha ha, love it 🤣

They don't care. They've made it clear their want to party comes before their children's need to feed regularly. I feel sorry for their kids. It will come home to roost for them one day.

Ok, I am going to tap out now, I did not want to be one of those OPs who cuts and runs after one comment, so I have responded quite a few times - but I am just repeating myself over and over to the usual suspects, who totally get it, but just want to bend other people to their will anyway.

Thanks to all the people who agreed, I am glad we are in the majority.

As for those who do get it but refuse to accept it, you are destined for a disappointing life filled with lots of self created dramas. Or maybe you can just choose not to be so entitled.

It's not your day. It's not your spotlight. It's not your decision. It's not about you, and you are making an arse of yourself and revealing how gobsmackingly self involved you are every single time you complain about it.

Exits stage left.

Love a child free wedding. I was happy to have children at mine - literally my son, my cousins 1 year old, and my friends 8 year old so they were no bother. But tbh much prefer it when kids aren’t invited and I can have a relaxed (tipsy) day.

I semi understand childfree weddings (kinda don't agree with them, but I haven't experienced the mayhem of kids yet). I really don't get baby free weddings though, so someone please explain.

DH and I were invited to a cousin's wedding but were told our baby (5 months old at the time) was allowed to come to the church wedding, but could not come to the reception.

I'd have assumed it would be the other way around? Surely you would rather not risk a baby crying through vows and etc?
And as for the reception, our 4 month old really isn't going to get very far and it's really up to the parents if they want to let loose vs be looking after their baby.

Thank you for at least presenting a balanced view of the issue. Fine to not invite. Fine to decline. Each side just has to accept the decision of the other as having their own reasons behind it.

Good God. Now I want to party? I thought we were talking about attending a siblings wedding and respecting their wishes? Wowsers 🤪

We had a child-free wedding and it was great. Since then we’ve have 2 DC of our own and still would prefer a child-free wedding! I’d also never been to a wedding until I was an adult, clearly my parents had been to some in that time - the would have been child-free!

Yes self absorbed and selfish people have always existed.

Fortunately amongst my friends and family there are no self absorbed or selfish people
so all weddings have been family affairs with plenty of children present.

I am sorry that others are not so fortunate, but it is easily remedied by not attending and leaving them to their soulless gathering and saving a few quid in the process. Win win really.

We were invited to a wedding abroad with this and it was expected DC would be with them for at least the ceremony. We ended up declining the invitation for other reasons mainly but this was one of them swaying our decision. The ratio was a bit like this also and completely unsafe given most kids attending were toddlers - mine was still a baby. Not a chance I was leaving my baby with essentially strangers and with such an unmanageable ratio - abroad.

But YANBU OP. We had children of very close family only and one had a tantrum mid vows.

I’ve been married nearly 30 years and have never been invited to a child free wedding. Only ever heard of it on here.

I wouldn’t have left my nephews and godsons out on my big day.

🤣 Soulless because our little darlings aren’t centre of attention for one bloody day in their life? I personally enjoy a wedding with all of us in attendance but I can really let my hair down when they aren’t invited. Both lots of fun but different kinds.

Totally right. I have my baby but if I were to make a big wedding before having my baby, it would have been a child free wedding. A big wedding would cost thousands and most likely children would ruin it by crying all the time, running everywhere, the extra cost of the meals, etc.

People could also hire a sitter at a hotel close to the venue. My nephews are completely feral with parents who only do too much of gentle parenting and wouldn't want them anywhere near a serious event.

I wonder if it's regional? Or social/family circles? I worked at the local wedding reception venue every Saturday from the early 80s to the early 90s. It was the norm at that venue for at least a few children to be there. My family was huge and I went to loads of weddings growing up. I remember everyone being scandalised when a cousin chose to get married at Gretna Green in a small private ceremony in the mid 80s. So in my circles, child free was incredibly rare.
My wedding was child free and abroad (immediate family only) because there was absolutely no way I could have got married in the UK and not had my whole, massive family including many children there. In fact, when we announced our engagement at a family gathering, the first talking point amongst my many relatives were which of the family children should be bridesmaids. This is the main reason we decided to get married abroad with immediate family only! Although in some respects that was a shame because I was close to my many aunts, uncles and cousins. But the thought of what a local UK wedding would have to have been was too overwhelming. And I think most weddings were local to either bride or groom then, as I'm not sure the legal change to allow venues other than church or registry office had happened yet?

Getting married in 2 days. Wedding is child free, informal, and chill.

When we were first discussing getting married after engagement, I wanted a childfree wedding but my partner didn't, due to neices/nephews. I relented, and said alright, we'll discuss it and probably have kids at the wedding then. Inside I wasn't pleased about it, I get overwhelmed as it is let alone with screeching kids around, but I could cope for one day if my partner wanted it.

That was about 2.5 years ago. In the mean time, he went to a few of his friends weddings, where kids were invited to two of them. He changed his mind due to that. Apparently the kids ruined both weddings. I never convinced him to change his mind, didn't even try, I was ready to do things his way, but just experiencing it made him want a child free wedding.

And none of his siblings have complained at all. They all got childcare. He had one friend asking if a babe in arms could come, partner said no, and the friend said that's totally fine - they'll leave kids with grandma. They just wanted to know so they could choose who to provide childcare (they have a toddler and a baby). Incidentally, this person was one of the weddings that got ruined by kids grumbling and screaming throughout... So that's probably why that couple got why we were going child free.

If anyone couldn't have come because of no kids, we wouldn't have cared. We discussed before inviting, as partner said he wanted his brother to be best man - I told him he may not come due to the child free thing. Partner just shrugged and said he'll fine someone else then.

I don't see how a wedding celebration is right for kids anyway. They don't care why they're there. They'll get bored, tired. I really don't understand why some parents are so desperate for their kids to be included, it seems kinda cruel to the kids. Thankfully, none of our guests have made any fuss about it and have all been cool.

We're going to have a lovely day with family members and friends who want to be there to celebrate with us.

Child free weddings always existed, but they were just called 'WEDDINGS'. People were invited to a wedding and organised a babysitter. Back in the day when evening guests , 3 day do's and destination weddings weren't a thing.

It's definitely about social circles. I've been to plenty of weddings in my 40 odd years and none of them excluded children. I honestly wouldn't have known it was a thing without Mumsnet! I'm pretty sure it really appeals to some types of people with particular values and priorities, who naturally end up with socialising with similar people and going to lots of non child weddings I guess.

Most of the time the people complaining on MN about childfree weddings is a friends not a close relatives wedding.

Or... shock.. its not a child free wedding but their children still aren't invited as the couples want to invite their friends, not just a few friends and their children.
Its usually a numbers game.

I’m 53 and remember an Uncle getting married and the kids weren’t invited. I realised then I’d probably never get to be a bridesmaid! (And I haven’t been)

I've figured out why I don't like/enjoy child-free weddings. I'm quite socially awkward and don't find it easy to make conversations or dance and drink and have a good time. Unlike my husband who will naturally want to spend time with his friends and finds conversations easy. So I'm like the awkward spare part hanging around on the outskirts.

If my kids are there, I have them to hang out with and dance with and I have loads more fun. Discovered that at a rare party kids were invited to and I had a great time with them.

This is a "me" problem though, to be fair I'd much rather be at home with a cup of tea and a good book!

I continue to be astonished at how many people take their children not being invited to a wedding so badly. You’re only going to be away from them for a day, and mostly not even a whole day at that. It’s just a wedding - not the landing of a rocket on Mars.

It’s cultural I think, it’s not the norm for us, and no I didn’t have a child free wedding.

Me neither! In fact, when I read about them on MN. Never been to one.