Child Free Weddings have always been normal - stop pretending otherwise

[thelakeisle]

Just that really. Every other week some entitled family member trots out the "reasons" why she is super special and her children MUST be allowed to attend someone else's wedding. It's batshit, over entitled and frankly weird.

I do not understand this desperate need to control other people's lives or inability to just turn down an invitation politely.

Other people's weddings - no matter who they are or what your relationship is - are not about you. The bride and the groom are the only people who get to decide anything.

No ifs, no ands, no buts.

So, when you receive a child free wedding invitation these are your options.

1. You can ask very very very politely if your children are the special exception - the answer will be no, by the way.
2. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say yes.
3. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say no.
4. You can accept the situation and throw a tantrum in real life, on mumsnet or any other platform of your choice.
5. You can turn up with your kids and be exiled from most family events for the rest of your life.

And for the hard of thinking:

1. Child free weddings don't mean they hate your children or any children.
2. They will be fine with you turning down the invitaiton, you won't be making any great dramatic stand by doing so, few will notice, probably none will actually care.
3. There are extremely good reasons why some people have made the choice to not have kids at their weddings, dating back right through history this has been a common practice.
4. Again, this is not a new thing. Not at all. You're just not very well educated about the past, or are wearing your Pollyanna goggles.
5. Not wanting kids at the wedding has nothing to do with aesthetics and everything to do with adults enjoying themselves unencumbered and uninterrupted.
6. Your kids are only cute to you, your spouse and maybe the grandparents. Everyone else is just being nice.
7. Your personal story doesn't matter to the bride and groom, and nor should it.

I think that covers it. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

Stands back to await the hurricane of entitlement and faux shock and horror.

Posting with a poll for a bit of a laugh, mumsnetters do love their polls :)

I found a site that talks about child free weddings and the history of it all, it is American based but you can clearly see this has been going on for a long time, one of the examples is a published post from 1892.

https :// sharonkabel dot com/post/childfree-weddings/

Childfree weddings weren't a thing round here. But weddings were usually low cost - often a buffet tea with all of the family chipping in to make the sandwiches, cakes and the likes.

I lived with my grandparents as a child and it felt like we were at weddings constantly. As a young child I loved weddings as I always got given fruit pastilles to suck in the church and it was a massive treat. And often my Nana would make me a new dress.

I remember one summer when I was a young teen that we went to five weddings in seven weeks. The first few were lovely, but as they were all held in the local church the last few ceremonies felt very long and boring as they were essentially the same. The only question with an invitation would be if the reception was to be held in the town hall or in the function suite of the local hotel (which was actually more like a pub with rooms).

The first time I heard of a childfree wedding was when I was 15 and was asked to babysit for a family friend. They paid me £5 and bought me a chippy dinner so I hoped it would become a regular thing!

I find weddings extremely dull so am more than happy when a child free invite arrives as I don’t even need to make up an excuse to explain why I won’t be attending.

Weddings are dull, but childfree ones are usually lots of fun. You're declining the wrong ones 😉

I didn’t go to a wedding until I was 23, because all
the ones my parents went to when I was younger were child free, even family ones 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s all good!

Got two child free ones coming up!

A wedding where children are completely out of the way for the whole evening does sound pretty good! Almost as good as a totally child free wedding

I've been going to weddings since the 1970s when I was a child myself. It's only in the last 15 years or so that I've encountered child free weddings.

What was the reason though, was it that you had very young children and genuinely couldn't go or you couldn't be bothered making any effort like so many on here? I don't know why Literally everyone that had ever looked after my girls was invited to the wedding has to do with anything?

I had an invite to a wedding when my DC was young, so DH stayed at home and I went alone. I agree though, if it's not possible then the B&G should accept it, and not talking to you ever again is an extreme reaction so perhaps there was more to it?

It was literally that I couldn't go.

My ex was away with the military, as I said, so he couldn't have them. His family lived in Australia so couldn't mind them. Both sides of my family were going since I was related to both the bride and groom. My friends were going.

Literally everyone who could have looked after my girls was going so I couldn't go since there was strictly no children allowed.

There was no more to it other than to her I should have just found "someone"

That would all be fine if the couple, and immediate family, knew that an invite wasn't a summons.

Try not going to your princess of a sister's wedding because it's child free - you're the worst in the world for letting her down; going to just the wedding ceremony isn't enough; leaving your husband at home with the baby isn't on, as your BIL gets on with him; your Mum gets involved and wants you to do what your sister asks for the sake of family peace, as usual.

So, it's really not always a simple matter of saying no thanks, can't make it without bringing the baby.

Ah I see, sorry I didn't read that properly. Clearly that person was vvvvUR and you are probably better without them.

the children could come down from the nursery to see the ceremony / speeches if they wanted. older kids came down to play in the garden and then went up later in the evening to snooze in front of a movie while parents could dance. parents could go up to the nursery as needed (I had a 3 year old and 8 week old). It gave flexibility for families to join in but without the kids overwhelming the party.

Child free weddings are not the norm at all and have only become a recent trend with this growing anti child culture brewing esp In the U.K. There are multiple cultures within British society that a child free wedding is completely unheard of.

Ever been to an Asian wedding - in Asia? Never ever ever heard of the concept there - ever. Yes - I’m from there.

I think lots to do with weddings are so area specific as well.

Here it's the norm to have evening guests. Nobody bats an eyelid and it's more expected that if you're a cousin or friend, but not bestie, that you'll be invited at night only.

Most weddings at the church still have a scramble after. Kids are a bit disappointed if they see wedding cars and there isn't one. The first time SIL saw that she was horrified as she'd never heard of it and was genuinely frightened when she saw kids running toward the road.

In my culture I'd be an absolute pariah if I said no kids at the wedding! But I don't have an issue with others saying so, as long as they don't have an issue with guests declining if the childcare arrangements (or lack thereof) don't work.

I don’t have an opinion, either way. Before or after I had a kid.
I’ve enjoyed most weddings, but I’ve never noticed whether children are present or not. It’s made no difference to the do.

Best weddings are those where all the important people from your life are there from children and friends to crazy relatives you don’t see that often.To me it’s about declaring your love and commitment to each other in front of your ‘village’ and they are in turn declaring their support for you both and celebrating your union.

I think people seeing it as an adults only celebration is in line with people becoming more isolated / moving away from a sense of community and turning inwards. That’s sad imo.

I’m in my mid 40s now and the first wedding I went to was when I was 18 because everyone up until then was either married before I was born or they had child-free weddings.

Our own wedding was child-free other than bridal party simply because it would have been impossible to find somewhere large enough that we could afford. We married in our early 30s so by then almost everyone we knew had at least one child (most had multiple). DH’s dad was the youngest of many so we didn’t even have space for all of his first cousins (most of them were more ages with my parents and had grandchildren by then too). If we had invited absolutely everyone and their kids we would have gone from a guest list of 60 up to at least a couple of hundred. Out of the ones we did invite it would have been double with their children as it was.

However we weren’t dicks about it to anyone who couldn’t make it as a result. A lot of them had to travel a couple of hours anyway so some of them couldn’t make it simply because of that or work schedules and we understood both situations as we’ve been there in the past ourselves.

I think the difference though, is that some of the couples think that they can demand that people attend, and often when it involves travel as well, there's some really unrealistic expectations on parents of young children. So to expect your own sibling (who may not have trusted childcare because they are all attending the wedding) to drive 3 hours away for your wedding, and leave a 6 month old baby behind, is in my opinion selfish and unreasonable. Fine to HAVE the childfree wedding if that's what you want, but you can't also demand that parents of young children must attend.

I've never been to a child free wedding, I would personally think it would seem strange without children at a family party but obviously would respect the couple's wishes (ours are late teens now though.

Mine too, but I had a childfree wedding. My cousins all went ape-shit, but if I invited all of the nephews and neices I would've had 20 under 5's. I decided to do something quite different to what is the norm and had a smallish (by my cultures standards) wedding on a vineyard. Everyone, including the oldies said it was the best wedding they had ever been to 😄 I like to think I paved the way, because there have been many other since then.

Child free weddings are normal. As are weddings with children. Both ok, just different.

It’s not a recent trend, or a growing anti-child culture. It’s a preference that some couples have.

I got married 30 years ago. Almost all the weddings I went to in the 90s (including mine) were child free, so it’s definitely not a recent thing.

I’ve got three kids I’ve been to many weddings where they have been invited and havnt been invited.

I had a similar reaction to a pp that when I said I couldn’t attend as all of my friends and family would be at a wedding including DH who was one of three (🙄) best ‘men’, I was met with utter disdain by the bride and groom for not attending and supporting them and my husband! Literally my whole family and friend group were there so I had to graciously bow out.

i never asked if the kids could come (they were young so a hasstle anyway), but I was met with a such quips as ‘she is so self involved’ ‘she is so precious about her children’. Not sure what options I had (wasn’t about to leave 3 young kids under 5 overnight with a stranger.

so I agree it goes both ways. If s child free or destination wedding for example is what the bride and groom want then it’s absolutely their choice, as long as they accept some people may not be able to attend.

I covered this in the list above "They will be fine with you turning down the invitaiton, you won't be making any great dramatic stand by doing so, few will notice, probably none will actually care."

But certainly if the bride and groom make a fuss about someone turning down an invite, for any reason, it becomes an unreasonable demand by the bride and groom. As the saying goes, it's an invitation, not a summons.

I've never come aross this scenario though, but see the "My kids are the special exception" posts about twice a month or more.

In this scenario, the bride and groom were in the wrong. They need to also accept that anybody can turn down an invitation to anything, for any reason, even their wedding.