Child Free Weddings have always been normal - stop pretending otherwise

[thelakeisle]

Just that really. Every other week some entitled family member trots out the "reasons" why she is super special and her children MUST be allowed to attend someone else's wedding. It's batshit, over entitled and frankly weird.

I do not understand this desperate need to control other people's lives or inability to just turn down an invitation politely.

Other people's weddings - no matter who they are or what your relationship is - are not about you. The bride and the groom are the only people who get to decide anything.

No ifs, no ands, no buts.

So, when you receive a child free wedding invitation these are your options.

1. You can ask very very very politely if your children are the special exception - the answer will be no, by the way.
2. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say yes.
3. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say no.
4. You can accept the situation and throw a tantrum in real life, on mumsnet or any other platform of your choice.
5. You can turn up with your kids and be exiled from most family events for the rest of your life.

And for the hard of thinking:

1. Child free weddings don't mean they hate your children or any children.
2. They will be fine with you turning down the invitaiton, you won't be making any great dramatic stand by doing so, few will notice, probably none will actually care.
3. There are extremely good reasons why some people have made the choice to not have kids at their weddings, dating back right through history this has been a common practice.
4. Again, this is not a new thing. Not at all. You're just not very well educated about the past, or are wearing your Pollyanna goggles.
5. Not wanting kids at the wedding has nothing to do with aesthetics and everything to do with adults enjoying themselves unencumbered and uninterrupted.
6. Your kids are only cute to you, your spouse and maybe the grandparents. Everyone else is just being nice.
7. Your personal story doesn't matter to the bride and groom, and nor should it.

I think that covers it. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

Stands back to await the hurricane of entitlement and faux shock and horror.

Posting with a poll for a bit of a laugh, mumsnetters do love their polls :)

Yes, I don't understand that! When I was a child and when mine were little, everyone was part of the whole thing. Children sat at the table and ate properly, were quiet when necessary, and enjoyed the noisy bits/dancing etc.
What's being described is version of a child free wedding!

This is not true. My first marriage was in the 80's, it was quite common for there to be a 'no children' request. Sometimes some close family children would be bridesmaids etc, but that was it. I had no kids at mine, apart from one very young baby.

I repeated the child free experience in 1999 - no kids invited to my second wedding either.

And worse because some random is looking after your kids, I'm all for a child free weddings, but not random babysitters. I don't understand how this is better 🤨

Nor me! I'd rather have arranged for them to stay with someone they knew.

Totally! I mean it's a good set up for those who want it, but I wouldn't be comfortable with that at all. Weird too if you can't bear to be apart from your kids but happy for some random to be looking after them, that makes no sense!

I think it does make a difference whether you’re getting married early in your friendship group/generation or not - we got married when we were late 20s and other than late teen cousins, there was only one person we invited who had children so it was no big deal to include them. None of my friends had children yet, most didn’t even have a significant other. I was also the first of my generation in the family to get married. As friends have got married over the following 10 years, they all had child-free weddings at least partly because there were increasing numbers of children within the group. I didn’t mind as such - I get the issue with space and also just whether it’s what you want or not - but it did irritate me when the invitation phrased it as if they were doing me a favour (‘enjoy a night off from your kids’ type phrases), just be upfront that you don’t want kids there because it suits you and it’s your party!

I’ve not read all the comments, but I think childfree weddings can be a bit selfish - “I’m the bride/groom and I want what I want” type thing. TBH the only people I’ve ever known to say childfree weddings are people that don’t want to pay for a kids meal, not because they want the adults to have a good time!

The last time I paid a babysitter to go out from about 5pm to midnight it cost me £100 odd, and quite honestly the chances of me wanting to pay that, in addition to a gift and perhaps a new outfit for the day, are slim. Just like the OP says nobody cares about whether the kids are there or not, most people aren’t bothered if they miss a wedding either.

Childcare on site is a great idea because the point is that it doesn’t cost your guests any money.

If a family member said we couldn’t bring children to a wedding we wouldn’t be able to go because our family I.e. our childcare, would all be there. If it was friends and we could leave the kids with a family member then great.

That reminds me of a wedding I went to. I didn't hear the vows because a little darling was banging some wooden blocks together.

I would have quite liked to hear the vows, they are quite important.

I've been to both weddings with children and without since at least the 1980s.

I think childfree weddings can be a bit selfish - “I’m the bride/groom and I want what I want” type thing.

Er ...

Who, exactly, is the wedding for?! You’re being invited to celebrate the wedding of the bride and groom. It’s their celebration. They get to decide how it works, not the guests.

I suppose I wonder why people object to inviting children. I had children at my wedding and I didn’t even know they were there. It’s not as if the bride and groom are expected to care for them! I think it’s just fashionable.

There are far worse aspects of modern weddings, requesting money for gifts by sending cringey poems, dictating what people wear, weddings abroad etc. Having a few little kids to join in the celebrations hardly seems like an issue to me.

You were lucky. Usually at least one will make some noise during the ceremony. If the kids were perfectly behaved then people wouldn't care. I also think most people want to 'let loose' so children being there stops that, I will moderate my behaviour around children and ensure I don't swear or saying anyyhing inappropriate etc. Those are my reasons anyway. That was pre-kids anyway. Now I just want to relax with adult company, let's face it when you're talking to a parent they're always distracted.

I completely agree. I'm not sure where these 'circles' are where child-free weddings were common 15-20 years ago.

Peter Kay had a whole bit about multiple generations at weddings and the audience knew what he was talking about.

It would be church/register office and then the local function room, whether a community hall, pub or hotel. You would bring your kids and they would play together in the same room as the adults. The kids were no more annoying than your uncle spilling his drink on you while telling a tall tale.

It's fine to have a child-free wedding but denying that there's been a change in lots of communities is disingenuous

This, absolutely.

I used to work in wedding planning (15ish years ago). The main reason for not inviting children was actually space/numbers. So nieces/nephews/siblings were invited, but not cousins children, friends children, cousins etc.

I went to loads of weddings when I was a kid. Far more than my own children have ever been to.

So, whilst I agree that there have always been childfree weddings, in my experience, it's much more common these days than it used to be.

Partly, I think it's because costs have spiralled and so it's no longer the case that couples can afford to invite the entire family, including all the cousins etc, which used to be more common.

I think social media is also driving it to some extent. Many couples are focused on the Instagram aesthetic of their wedding and children don't fit in with that vision.

I don't think it's unreasonable for people to have childfree weddings. But, you do occasionally see it on here where the bride(Zilla) is deeply offended that someone has turned down their invite, citing childcare issues. Not everyone has access to childcare.

Also, I think when it's your sibling who is asking to bring their small baby, the only child in the family, and you say no, even though the entire family will be at the wedding, then you're a bit of a bellend (another scenario that crops up on here).

Can I add a controversial opinion?

I agree with your OP. I’m a mum to a young DC and I actively choose not to bring him to weddings. Yep, if he’s invited, I sort child care so I don’t have to bring him.

I love him, but at 2.5 years old he is not going to sit down during the ceremony. I’m going to spend all day looking after DC and worrying about him being tired/hungry etc. Rather than enjoying the day celebrating family or friends.

I know babies in arms are a different kettle of fish, but I can’t stand these “don’t invite my kids, I’ll decline” sort of people just out of principle

Obviously if you don’t have childcare that is a shame but you will have to politely decline and move on

I’m not saying they didn’t happen. All I’m saying is that in some places (I’ve lived equally in 3 countries in 2 hemispheres) they weren’t a thing until more recently. Different places different experiences 🤷🏻‍♀️
Perhaps that’s why some people get upset by them.

I totally agree in principle. However on here you do get situations with child free weddings where the guest is put under a load of pressure to attend even though it being child free makes it logistically impossible.

For example someone being a maid of honour and their husband part of the wedding party, most of their friends and family who would normally babysit attending and they find out its child free at the last minute

One woman who was in a similar poaition was asked to take her toddler on a long journey just for pictures

One woman who was not allowed to have her husband stay in the hotel with a baby so she could pop out and feed the baby because the bride wanted the whole wider venue to be child free

People being put under a lot of pressure from the bride or family to attend events over numerous days abroad that are child free which means they have to pay family to come out with them and babysit

Yes child free weddings have been round a long time but I think weddings themselves and expectations around them have got a lot crazier. And whilst people can say no due to lack of childcare, there are always examples of wider family falling out with people for not making impossible situations (eg finding childcare for disabled children) work

I've voted yabu, not because I don't love a wedding where my dc are safely looked after by someone else 😄, but because your OP assumes that brides and grooms are reasonable and will accept a polite declining of the invitation.

In some families it really is a summons! You get the bride (usually) having a strop because her sister/bf has got no one she trusts to look after her dc so cannot leave them, bride wants a 3 day wedding, or worse, she wants everyone to give up a week of annual leave to go abroad and can't understand why a family isn't willing to do that and leave their kids behind.
In some families the parents of the bride are so worn down by their lifelong indulgence of the golden child, that they won't recognise how unreasonable they are being towards their other kids and it becomes very hard to politely decline with no future consequences.

YANBU, in that just do what the invitation says, but childfree weddings have never been a thing in my life.
Most people got married pre-children, back in the day, and all my friends did. I was at my uncles wedding at 4, as were all their other nieces and nephews. I was at my mums cousins wedding at 7 with his nieces.
Only one of my friends or family had a family kids only. I had 9 under 5s at my wedding, including a 6 week old. None were family.

I wonder if it's regional? Or social/family circles?

It absolutely is.

And some people will accept that. However, much like any discussion about evening only invitations and money as a gift others will be adamant that the way they and their experiences have done it is the way.

I went to loads of weddings as a kid, DH didn't go to a wedding until he was an adult. In both sides of his huge family (PIL were one of 15 and 9) every wedding was childfree. Pretty much every event was childfree as there were just too many kids to invite.

I’m not sure why some people bother having kids at all if they can’t stand being around them so much and have such a great time without them 🤷‍♀️

Depends a bit on the wedding, I would have thought. When I was under 7, family was invited to a cousins wedding. My parents said we children couldn't go, it would be boring for us and they were very likely right. I think my dad and his mum went in the end. I suspect most families thought similarly. This was early 1960s.
If you're having a post ceremony barn dance in the church hall (my goddaughter), I would imagine children would be more than welcome. If you are having an expensive dinner with silver service, possibly children would be less welcome. It would be very boring for them anyway.

Well said although the threads are entertaining lol

I never heard of a child free wedding until about 20 years ago. It really wasn’t a thing for normal people