Child Free Weddings have always been normal - stop pretending otherwise

[thelakeisle]

Just that really. Every other week some entitled family member trots out the "reasons" why she is super special and her children MUST be allowed to attend someone else's wedding. It's batshit, over entitled and frankly weird.

I do not understand this desperate need to control other people's lives or inability to just turn down an invitation politely.

Other people's weddings - no matter who they are or what your relationship is - are not about you. The bride and the groom are the only people who get to decide anything.

No ifs, no ands, no buts.

So, when you receive a child free wedding invitation these are your options.

1. You can ask very very very politely if your children are the special exception - the answer will be no, by the way.
2. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say yes.
3. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say no.
4. You can accept the situation and throw a tantrum in real life, on mumsnet or any other platform of your choice.
5. You can turn up with your kids and be exiled from most family events for the rest of your life.

And for the hard of thinking:

1. Child free weddings don't mean they hate your children or any children.
2. They will be fine with you turning down the invitaiton, you won't be making any great dramatic stand by doing so, few will notice, probably none will actually care.
3. There are extremely good reasons why some people have made the choice to not have kids at their weddings, dating back right through history this has been a common practice.
4. Again, this is not a new thing. Not at all. You're just not very well educated about the past, or are wearing your Pollyanna goggles.
5. Not wanting kids at the wedding has nothing to do with aesthetics and everything to do with adults enjoying themselves unencumbered and uninterrupted.
6. Your kids are only cute to you, your spouse and maybe the grandparents. Everyone else is just being nice.
7. Your personal story doesn't matter to the bride and groom, and nor should it.

I think that covers it. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

Stands back to await the hurricane of entitlement and faux shock and horror.

Posting with a poll for a bit of a laugh, mumsnetters do love their polls :)

I never understand why people automatically think children should be invited to the wedding. Maybe if they are close family but whenever I’ve received a wedding invitation I’ve always sorted a babysitter out and never assumed it was for the whole family. Maybe it’s a geographical thing because in my area even now no one takes kids to a wedding unless they are in the bridal party. I also think we are more precious about children these days and forget that not everyone loves our kids the way we do and shouldn’t be expected to. There could be a guilt factor in it as well because as parents we are working more and relying on paid childcare so people feel bad about spending their time without them. Either way I totally agree with everything you wrote but we’ll still have numerous posts a week about it and you’ll always get the ones who will agree that kids should be at weddings because they light up the room.

Well you can believe that, certainly, but you are therefore saying I'm lying about my experiences and that everyone who has agreed with me on this thread and on every thread that this is mentioned on is also lying. Which you are also free to believe, if it suits you.

And no, it was always the bride's big day, in Western culture.

“[Child-free weddings] is not a new thing. Not at all. You're just not very well educated about the past, or are wearing your Pollyanna goggles.”

I don’t think that’s true, and for the simple reason that weddings have changed from being family affairs with a few friends, to being mostly friends with some family. When I was young, you told your mother you were going to get married, and she organised and paid for your wedding - which meant it was much more family-oriented. It was quite unusual to have an evening do - the bride and groom would leave early evening and that was that - and the hen party was thankfully unknown. These days, unless you come from a very wealthy background, the wedding is organised by the bride and groom and paid for by them with parental contributions - so as they are organising, they have control of the guest list. Weddings are hideously expensive, and many a bride and groom trim children to cut down on costs.

It's honestly why i wrote this - those numerous posts per week. It is just so frustrating to read the same debunked entitled guff over and over again🙄

It's like they're filling in a template "Why MY kids and MY wants and hurty feels are more important than YOUR feelings, wants, needs or one of the most important days of your life" 😕

There is a long history of weddings so what period is this “ always been the norm” cover? The last 50 years? 100? 500 years? Its a bit of a sweeping statement. My parents got married in wartime so only had about 6 people at the wedding, that was probably normal for then. Id never heard of child free weddings until relatively recently, but then Id never heard of baby showers or hen and stag dos abroad either - these are fairly recent phenomena . Times change and yes, child free weddings are an option that maybe people didn't think of before as they weren’t spending vast amounts of their own money on an event. In some cultures its definitely not a thing - have you ever been to an Asian or Jewish wedding?

Fair point. I had never heard of a child free wedding until about 10 years ago, but that must just be me.

The brides big day, yes. But it was still a family occasion. It wasn't so rigid in trying to create the perfect, curated day to suit only the bride. Ime, anyway.

But you are incorrect, as I myself and every one of the many who agrees with me every time this subject is raised can tell you. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, which I disagree with.

I don't agree, but you are entitled to your view, of course.

if a sibling had prioritised the child free wedding above my presence I would have been hurt

Interesting choice of wording, I think if a sibling is not prioritising my wedding, then I'd have the right to be more hurt. You can always find a way, either DH looks after child/ILs/babysitter etc. You can make the effort, you just choose not to. And then of course pull the woe is me card 🙄

There isn't always a way though. Single parents, children with special needs, breastfed babies ect.

It's not always about cost though, which I can understand if they do have to pay for the child. I couldn't bring a few week old baby to a wedding we'd have to travel for and I know for a fact that there was no cost for the baby, who would have slept in my arms the whole time. When we got the invitation they still cited cost as the reason in a little slip in the invitation. Due to the stupidity of a lying excuse, I returned the decline card the same day. At least be honest and say you just don't want any children there. I can respect that, not what I know to be a lie.

I will always prioritise my new baby over your wedding. Why wouldn't I? When weddings involve travel, you can't just leave a newborn baby with their father when they are frequently feeding and don't take bottles.

Agree, there are exceptions but usually there is a way if you want to. BF for example isn't an excuse, that's an easy one to resolve. Same with single parents.

I EBF and I didn't need to be with my baby constantly, and they didn't take a bottle. Where there is a will, there is a way 🤷🏻‍♀️

How is bf an easy one to resolve?

People are going to prioritise their children, that's normal. Childcare is often very expensive too and not everyone can afford it, even at a stretch.

I know for a fact that there was no cost for the baby, who would have slept in my arms the whole time

Yet another one. For you, you don't think it's a big deal because the baby will be sleeping in your arms? Really? So babies don't cry etc? These are all such self centred views.

That's up to you but I'm not putting a party ahead of my baby's need to feed on demand.

Besides, I was just out of hospital after having had a terrible breast infection. I'd been told that I had to keep feeding baby frequently, directly off the breast without stopping, or I'd be right back there with an abscess. Nothing is worth risking my health or future breastfeeding.

Well your baby can go 3-4 hours without a feed. You can pump, they can use a bottle, they can even have breastmilk iceblocks. I'd have DH nearby with the baby, and if they only took the boob then I'd do the feeds. Obviously I'd only go to the effort for someone I really cared about. And if I didn't want to I'd just say no thanks, but I wouldn't make a big fuss over it, like so many do.

My babies didn't really cry. Besides, it's easy to tell when a newborn is going to get restless. So you sit at the back and go out when they start wriggling. No-one is any the wiser.

Oh jeezus. Just stop already 🙄😆

Can you hear yourself? Seriously, take a break, then go back and re-read your comments with an open mind. You might just learn something about yourself. Smh.

3-4 hours between feeds is the standard for formula fed babies. It takes 1.5 hours to digest breastmilk by contrast, which is why breastfed babies feed so often when little. I'm not going to make my breastfed baby go 3-4 hours between feeds. Why should they be hungry and uncomfortable? I'm not doing that to my baby so I can attend a party. No way.

Yes, I care about my children more than you do about yours. So what?

YANBU. I had children at our wedding and loved it. My choice. It fit when we got married (later in the family and friendship group so many people had kids) and I loved having them all there. However, I’ve also attended child free weddings, mainly but not exclusively in my twenties rather than thirties and they were also fantastic occasions. A bit later there were exceptions for breastfed babies, nieces and nephews of the couple, and people who genuinely had no childcare. Your wedding = your choice. And both choices are valid. Equally though, your invitation = your choice and if someone can’t attend a wedding because their children aren’t invited then the couple must accept that as a consequence of their choice!

Edited to add breastfed babies!

It really isn't, I EBF and actually 2-3hrs is standard, unless maybe you have a premmie and unless they're a newborn it can stretch to 4. Anyway, stop before you hurt yourself 😳😆