Child Free Weddings have always been normal - stop pretending otherwise

[thelakeisle]

Just that really. Every other week some entitled family member trots out the "reasons" why she is super special and her children MUST be allowed to attend someone else's wedding. It's batshit, over entitled and frankly weird.

I do not understand this desperate need to control other people's lives or inability to just turn down an invitation politely.

Other people's weddings - no matter who they are or what your relationship is - are not about you. The bride and the groom are the only people who get to decide anything.

No ifs, no ands, no buts.

So, when you receive a child free wedding invitation these are your options.

1. You can ask very very very politely if your children are the special exception - the answer will be no, by the way.
2. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say yes.
3. You can accept the situation like a grown up and say no.
4. You can accept the situation and throw a tantrum in real life, on mumsnet or any other platform of your choice.
5. You can turn up with your kids and be exiled from most family events for the rest of your life.

And for the hard of thinking:

1. Child free weddings don't mean they hate your children or any children.
2. They will be fine with you turning down the invitaiton, you won't be making any great dramatic stand by doing so, few will notice, probably none will actually care.
3. There are extremely good reasons why some people have made the choice to not have kids at their weddings, dating back right through history this has been a common practice.
4. Again, this is not a new thing. Not at all. You're just not very well educated about the past, or are wearing your Pollyanna goggles.
5. Not wanting kids at the wedding has nothing to do with aesthetics and everything to do with adults enjoying themselves unencumbered and uninterrupted.
6. Your kids are only cute to you, your spouse and maybe the grandparents. Everyone else is just being nice.
7. Your personal story doesn't matter to the bride and groom, and nor should it.

I think that covers it. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

Stands back to await the hurricane of entitlement and faux shock and horror.

Posting with a poll for a bit of a laugh, mumsnetters do love their polls :)

I think it's also that the type of wedding is changing from a Church wedding, or wedding in a hall with a buffet to a smaller, more intimate wedding often at a naice venue and much more expensive. They are both very different experiences. As I said earlier in my culture the child-free wedding wasn't a thing, so many were doing both, one for the family and one for the couple, but as time moves on I think it will start to be more just what the couple wants. I also think before it was more about big communities and get togethers, which is lovely but not necessarily what you want for your own special day.

Right. This is what bugs me most, apart from the entitlement, the absolute nonsense notion that this is a new trend, or part of some "we hate kids" scenario.

I feel as though a lot of people pretend that it's a new trend in order to be dismissive of it, ageism in reverse as it were. But really they know that it's not.

I can clearly remember being left in charge of my 3 younger siblings for the day when my parents attended an older cousins wedding, I was 14 so it would have been 1971. Siblings were 10,9 and 7
These days, when bride and groom are usually paying for their own wedding, they want their friends rather than extended family as guests, it is also more common to get married later so these friends most likely have children. In my own daughter’s case it was logistics. To invite them all meant 30+ children with all the associated costs. Not one guest declined their invite.

Things have changed though, in society and in the wedding industry. As little as 30 years ago, there were more SAHPs and retired grandparents around to provide childcare. Weddings were also a more local affair - ceremony at the parish church, then reception at the nearest function room, or hotel if you were posh 😂 nowadays we have no non-working relatives/friends to ask for childcare and the wedding is invariably in some stately home 150 miles away, because the couple met on tinder and their home towns are actually 300 miles apart, so the wedding location is a compromise that no one wants 😂

I almost never encounter them. I live in the American South where it's normal practice to invite children to weddings. One difference is that you're not expected to invite every child of every guest. For example DH and I invited children we were close to.

You found an American site…

IME, Scottish and the like, there weren’t any. And I imagine that’s true for everyone from Scots to Sikhs. There are some places where the whole village came, everyone.

Everyone can do as they like, but don’t pretend it’s the norm.

One difference is that you're not expected to invite every child of every guest. For example DH and I invited children we were close to.

I think this is where there are big differences.

DH comes from a huge family. PIL were one of 15 and one of 9. His paternal grandparents were both one of 14. So the number of Aunts and uncles is huge, and the number of cousins is ridiculous.

It's perfectly acceptable in their families to invite the people you're closer with. You can invite two of Mary's children, one of Peter's and none of Dave's and nobody cares. It's also seen as perfectly acceptable to invite 10 cousins without their partners, whereas in my family (and often on MN) inviting without a partner would go down like a lead balloon. Inviting some cousins and not others would be like a declaration of war for some of mine 😂

Yes. Because it has to be a royal wedding if you don’t have children there, and if you don’t you don’t REALLY UNDERSTAND LOVE for £30k sure. Well glad you liked that one wedding you went to.

Absolutely fine if you can cheerfully decline, because it's too much of a faff to get childcare.

I'm not a big fan of weddings (expensive & boring), but in my 30s I was on the sharp end of other people's hurt feelings more than once because they wanted xh &/or me/both to attend but not the dc.

One of his mates threw an almighty strop once because xh proposed to skip the stag do (I was due to give birth that weekend) & also only attend the ceremony & reception for the actual wedding (we would have had 3dc under 5, including a newborn, & I was perfectly happy to wave him off, to be fair). There was sulking & incomprehension as to why we wouldn't just park the 3 of them, including the breastfed new addition, on 70yo MIL for a long weekend.

Child free wedding? Lovely. Would be my preferred option, honestly. I don't like other people's kids very much.

But logistics are going to limit other people's availability & willingness to attend, & you need to take that on the chin.

Did you actually just type all of that out and then quote it so we had to scroll past it all again? 😂

Absolutely no one can “demand” you attend their wedding. They send an invite of where and whether kids are invited or not and it’s up to you to respond with a yes or no. If they don’t like the answer then that’s a them problem but can’t demand you attend in any way shape or form

No.1 isn't true. Yabu.

I was born and raised in Scotland, spent 30 years there, and it was precisely as I have said.

And of course, American traditions are perfectly standard elsewhere, as are American manners and etiquette. But sure, you can dismiss the American posts going back to the 1800s if you prefer. That doesn't change the reality that it's always been normal in the UK, as proven by repeated posts on every single one of these types of discussions.

It was an accident, I often quote by accident unfortunately. I am sorry for the 3 extra seconds it took you to scroll down 😂

It's all true, but thanks for your input anyway 😂

It may not have always been the norm, but is more becoming the norm. No one wants to go to a wedding with kids running around, that's what kids parties are for. And let's face it, as parents we avoid those if we can.

30 years ago I had a child free wedding - they aren't a new thing. There was only one couple invited who declined but although I sometimes wonder if we should have said "Oh go on then" . They were fine and it was a v small wedding - just the ceremony and a restaurant afterwards. I can also remember being invited to a wedding where there was a table of work colleagues . The bride was worried we would take offence if no spouses or partners were invited. None of us or any spouse or partner took offence.

I do think, with others, there is a time for getting over yourself. Weddings are expensive. Be thankful if you have been invited , even if to the evening do ( which in my case I did not have ) but if it doesn't suit you decline promptly and don't make a fuss.

Maybe it is just me but the whole should I be offended re wedding invitation etc threads - Just accept or decline - it really is that simple (to me) No-one is going to mind if you can't take 3 days off work or can't afford to fly to Italy etc. & If they do - that's their problem.

But then no-one in my circle of friends had a hen do or a stag do abroad in expensive locations. My age or my circle of friends - don't know. We didn't go in for baby showers either but I will probably regret mentioning that 😂

Sure, people who issue summons to anything instead of invitations can be cheerfully ignored too.

So I have always been bought up with child free weddings around me. I had children at my wedding but that’s only because I have 5 of my own and they would have got bored with no other children there. I only had nieces and nephews though I didn’t allow for everyone to bring their children.

I think people make their kids the absolute centre of their universe. They don’t realise you can love your children more then anything but still have a really good time without them (some times a better time imo) other peoples kids can be very annoying but some parents don’t see that. I know my kids are and I would absolutely grab a child free wedding invite with both hands. You’re right, some people are just very entitled when it comes to their little darlings

edited to add if if children were invited I still think I would get child care because I’m entitled to have a fun day/evening without them.

I agree! But the number of people here who get drama from their families over it shows it's a problem for some.

But tbh it's always been the norm. It was normal in the 50s when my mum got married in Glasgow - I have the photos and there was not one single child there, we actually discussed this when I was talking about my friend who WAS inviting the children in the 80s and got married in Crookston, Glasgow, or near there anyway.

My mum was at that wedding too and she was as pissed off as we all were with the attention seeking kids and the stage mother.

It was also normal in the 80s when my friends started getting married.

It's not new, that's an excuse people use to try to dismiss this perfectly standard choice.

And honestly I don't mind people centering their own children in their own lives - I was a bit like that when my kids were young. But I never expected anyone else to bend over backwards to accommodate the kids I had chosen to have.

Oh absolutely and I have had that drama but for me if they are willing to cause drama over something like that then they are definitely not worth my time or effort anyway.

Fair enough, it's not normal in my culture and not the norm yet, but it's becoming more popular. In my culture we have 100s or more likely 1000s of guests so it's not exactly a subdued event so a few extra kids or guess don't really change the dynamics or cost 😆
ETA forgot to quote your response to mine OP