Invited to stay but have a bad feeling

[RueSaintHomme]

An old friend of 30 years invited me to stay with her some time ago and I booked the tickets last weekend. We haven’t spoken on the phone but the messages I’m receiving are short and abrupt. It’s a 12-hour journey each way (I don’t drive) and it’s like booking an AirBnB with a slightly frosty host.

I don’t feel as though I want to visit now, especially as I would be reliant on my friend for lifts from and to the station.

Should I make an excuse, explain that I feel uncomfortable or ghost?

YABU - go and risk feeling anxious
YANBU - cancel and say why/lie/ghost

Maybe she is anxious too, and this message makes me think she is on a tight budget, perhaps worried her house isn't "good enough" to entertain a guest. Also maybe she doesn't often text, so just keeps it as short and factual as possible, not realising how that might come across. I'd go, but have a contingency plan, say if you send a coded text to another friend, that they will phone you and tell you of a family/domestic emergency you need to return for.

Just make up a reasonable excuse and message her. she'll never know if it's true or not. Leave it open for a future visit. Don't think about it again.
If she intimidates you and you haven't seen each other for 10 years, staying with her with probably feel intense anyway. I know people who are rubbish at communicating by text, but you know if that's usually her or not.
Sometimes people make gestures and then when the time gets close feel overwhelmed. Perhaps something is going on with her, or perhaps she's embarrassed about her house, or perhaps she's exhausted by the need to clean it all. The fact that she doesn't appear to have set aside much time to spend with you is a bit weird.

It’s absurd to judge people on text style. Some people just don’t like texting, so they are very perfunctory. She may be busy right now so send short texts.

You sound quite anxious OP, it’s very odd not to be able to telephone an old friend.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/STWMG01R2FY

Don't know what's up with people here - but if a friend is making the effort to travel 12 hours to come and see me, the least I would do is show SOME kind of enthusiasm about them coming. The splitting food and groceries message was just rude. I don't know why the British have no sense of hospitality anymore.

Or it could be that you are over thinking /analysing

If I had a friend coming to stay I wouldn’t ask them to split anything. If we went out for a meal and they offered then I might accept that if it was an expensive restaurant. I think I’m with you on this that good feelings are not coming from your friend, but as others have said, speaking to her would be beneficial.

“bipbopdo · Today 02:54

RueSaintHomme · Today 02:49
I think I’m just very polite and I don’t respond well to abrupt people.
Show quote history

I don’t see how it’s polite to bail on a planned visit at such short notice without a good reason. So much tone is lost in messaging, it’s easy to read things one way when they were intended in another. Just call her.”

I do agree with this. Most of us aren’t wild about confrontation but we all have to do things we don’t want to do from time to time. The polite, adult thing to do would be to pick up the phone and speak to this old friend who extended an enthusiastic invitation and whom you were planning to visit. Back off from the visit by all means if you prefer - it is a long way to go for only 4 nights and you’re no longer feeling it - but this is not about you being polite and her not.

The splitting food is not what I would suggest to a guest but she may be very worried about money.

Maybe you could behave like an adult and ask her if everything's still okay with your proposed visit.

I have a friend whose messages come across really rude and abrupt which used to upset me. When it was mentioned to her, she was shocked that that was how she came across and said she hadn't meant too. Could your friend be like this?

Think Op is right to cancel. Living in a holiday destination DF most likely gets lots of requests from old friends that want a holiday at her place during the summer . She’s probably fed up with it but too polite to say no
The fact that you can’t even pick up the phone to chat this through shows that your friendship possibly isn’t what you hope it is . Just tell her that you can no longer make it but do it soon - before she goes food shopping etc.

Do her a favour and cancel OP. Your reluctance to even talk this through with her shows this is not a friendship at all.

I too don't see anything that is alarming or rude about her messages and I think you're reading more into them than is actually there. To pull out now would be rude.

If she’s this intimidating on the phone, how enjoyable do you really think a holiday will be?!
Just cancel.

Dear Sue, Im going to have to cancel the visit. Sorry to muck you about, but I have too much going on right now to be able to relax and enjoy it properly, and im getting a strong sense that youre not in the spirit either.
Take care and have a lovely summer. X

I half hope you'll go OP just so you can start a thread about how deeply uncomfortable the visit is! 🤣

If you do, take a baseball bat just in case...

Hope you can find the words to cancel the trip - just about anything will do, given that her own messages are abrupt and you don't particularly want to keep her as a friend. Good luck!

Get off/stop someone en route and stay there in cheaper accommodation?

Seems a shame to waste the transport cost.

I think short sharp messages are a bit rude OP.
I dont think youre oversensitive. I think its normal to want friendliness when arranging a trip to see a long lost friend.

Absolutely DO NOT go.
Cut your losses and do something nice for yourself during the time you should have been at hers.

Text her and say "I can't make it after all unfortunately. See you some other time".
Do not say sorry or apologise in any way. She's being hugely rude, so bat it back to her.

See what is her reply - and then in a few weeks, block and delete her.

She might not be aware of how she is coming across and you won't know unless you pick up the phone to her. If the call doesn't go well, then just hang up and text to say you won't be coming. Really, you've not seen her for 10 years so in the grand scheme of things, you're not really that close.

Yes, I think that’s it. Maybe she’s had lots of visitors to her tourist spot home and is transferring that frustration onto OP.

Really? You can’t call your friend you were going to stay with for 4 days? That’s ridiculous. Just call her you can’t actually be as timid as you’re coming across otherwise you’d never go anywhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

That was it - out of the blue, an isolated message - can we go halves on shopping and cooking?

I just spoke with my Dad, who has known her for 30 years, and he immediately said that was strange and understood why I don’t want to go.

I didn’t invite myself - I was invited and said it will have to be in the school holidays.

I am not a CF and have hosted this friend in the past, giving her my own bed. I have family living in the same region and haven’t invited myself to stay with one of them because I’m not a CF.

I don’t expect to be cooked for and offered to do all the cooking as my friend is working. No response.

If she’s tired of hosting people that’s fine, I’m one less person to host.

OP,
Just do it. You’ve got the go-ahead from all of us. Life is too short. Just give a random excuse and cancel it asap so that you can move on. It sounds like she won’t be too bothered either.

She was probably being positive in a fake sort of way when she invited you over and didn’t think you would follow through on it.