Page 12 | 10 year old snubbed at wedding

ProvoPrincess · 2025-07-22T18:36:17+00:00

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family, DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening. All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in. I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know. Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren. Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter. I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill. DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special. I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

Original poster

ProvoPrincess · 23/07/2025 17:26

I obviously have to balance my eldest child’s hurt with my youngest’s relationship with her family.

I would die if my youngest ever felt guilty about having a relationship with them or felt resentful of my eldest.

I have huge issues with my first husband and his family but I do not think this is related to my feelings about my in-laws leaving out a ten year old child.

One of the cousins has now invited my youngest to a party in September even though he has a daughter nearer eldest one’s age.

OP posts:

Thatsalineallright · 23/07/2025 17:26

I don't understand how anyone can equate adoption to becoming a step-parent.

One is a long, arduous process that ties you irrevocably to a child, giving you full parental rights and responsibilities.

Another involves signing a legal contract with another adult, one which can be undone even the next day if you'd like. It does not give you any parental rights whatsoever.

TheaBrandt1 · 23/07/2025 17:34

I think it’s quite offensive to make out adoption and being a step child are interchangeable. They are not they are very different legally. A fully adopted child is legally your own child. A stepchild isn’t.

In a will for example the word “child” automatically includes a legally adopted child but does not include a stepchild.

Smilesinthesunshine · 23/07/2025 17:37

Your husband should be supporting you, his family sound like unpleasant people. I would book a weekend away over the weekend of the party in September, that is a cruel way to treat your eldest.

ALPS100 · 23/07/2025 17:40

One of the cousins has now invited my youngest to a party in September even though he has a daughter nearer eldest one’s age.

So now they are either trying to teach YOU lesson, or actively showing their feelings towards your eldest daughter.

Either way they are pathetic and I hope your H starts to support you and his step-child rather than let you both be treated like this

Roosch · 23/07/2025 17:44

YABU…and coming across as a little unhinged.

Given you were all at the wedding and there were many different combinations of group photos, some of which you are in, I can’t fault your DH here.

Why can’t you MIL and siblings have a photo with just their children and grandchildren? Your and your older daughter are neither, same as many of the other wedding guests?

Why do you have to make everything about yourself? Why was the hysterics necessary?

autienotnaughty · 23/07/2025 17:44

That’s crap they could have done a few with and a few without if it really mattered . How do they think your dd felt??

Thatsalineallright · 23/07/2025 17:49

autienotnaughty · 23/07/2025 17:44

That’s crap they could have done a few with and a few without if it really mattered . How do they think your dd felt??

That's what they did. OP says there were lots of group photos where they were all included. The MIL wanted one photo without relatives-by-marriage and the OP stormed up, interrupted, burst into tears in front of a bunch of children and generally caused a scene at someone else's wedding!

DipsyDee · 23/07/2025 17:54

Roosch · 23/07/2025 17:44

YABU…and coming across as a little unhinged.

Given you were all at the wedding and there were many different combinations of group photos, some of which you are in, I can’t fault your DH here.

Why can’t you MIL and siblings have a photo with just their children and grandchildren? Your and your older daughter are neither, same as many of the other wedding guests?

Why do you have to make everything about yourself? Why was the hysterics necessary?

Don’t be so ridiculous

Soontobesingles · 23/07/2025 17:55

OP you are not listening. The only thing you can change in this scenario is your own response. You are never going to get these people to act as if your eldest DD is family because they don’t see her that way. The longer you fight this the longer you will be miserable. Your choices are stay miserable, accept and get over it or leave your DH so both children are ‘equal’.

therealtrunchbull · 23/07/2025 17:58

There is no way I would allow anyone to treat my DC like this. And there is no way I would ever allow another DC to be treated like this either. It’s awful, cruel behaviour. It’s a photo, not a kidney. Some people either have no hearts or they actively get a kick out of being spiteful towards children who aren’t ‘blood’.

Helpmeplease2025 · 23/07/2025 18:01

Was your DD aware there was a photo being taken without her, before you made a scene?

bellamorgan · 23/07/2025 18:02

Sounds like they have dropped appearances which is going to show the divide for what it is.

What’s the plan going forward. Is dd2 allowed to her cousins party without dd1.

morellamalessdrama · 23/07/2025 18:02

therealtrunchbull · 23/07/2025 17:58

There is no way I would allow anyone to treat my DC like this. And there is no way I would ever allow another DC to be treated like this either. It’s awful, cruel behaviour. It’s a photo, not a kidney. Some people either have no hearts or they actively get a kick out of being spiteful towards children who aren’t ‘blood’.

Totally agree with this.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/07/2025 18:22

HiRen · 23/07/2025 00:00

I agree re unpleasant: it is unpleasant to raise two children in the same home in such different ways. OP (if it's the same one) has been trying for months and years to push a square peg into a round hole, and I feel terribly for both girls who are witnessing this. Truthfully: she shouldn't have had another child without establishing first that her existing child wouldn't be disadvantaged by comparison. If she couldn't establish that - she shouldn't have had a second child. It can be very damaging to do this to children.

Maybe OP didn't have her Crystal Ball handy at the time and so didn't individually interview her DH's relatives, that she hardly knew, for their views on "blood relations" . If she had, should she have taken a majority vote? A percentage. What if only 2 out of 10 relatives thought this way? Is that reasonably good odds?

Maybe she thought that she and her DH were the ones to decide whether they should have a baby, rather than base it on the wishes of his relatives, particularly people like his Aunt.

Perhaps it never entered OP's imagination that his family would eventually be discovered to have these "blood relations only" notions and it didn't occur to her to base her own life choices on their regressive ideas.

Arraminta · 23/07/2025 18:52

OP with the best will in the world, your eldest DD simply isn't your in-laws grand-daughter. She isn't even your DH's daughter, unless he has actually adopted her?

You say that your eldest DD was included on many of the wedding photos, yes? And presumably, up until now, your DH's family have always treated your eldest DD kindly? Bought her Xmas and birthday presents? Chatted with her nicely at various family events etc?

Really what more do you expect from them OP?

I wonder if your OTT behaviour at the wedding wasn't the first time you have indulged in such histrionics in front of your DH's family?

Thatsalineallright · 23/07/2025 18:52

It's interesting, because the more I think about this the more I realise I'd be completely opposite to the OP and several other posters.

If my DH and I divorced, there's no way I'd want any new step-mum to be seen as just as important as me, the bio mum.

If I found out my ex-DH's new MIL was calling my child her actual grandchild and just generally the whole step-mother's family treated my child as theirs, I would feel they're overstepping.

I would want the new step-mum and family to be warm and kind etc but I'd want there to still be a distinction made between me + my family (my child's blood/legal relatives) and the step-mum + her family (my child's step-family with no legal or parental responsibilities).

Thatsalineallright · 23/07/2025 18:54

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/07/2025 18:22

Maybe OP didn't have her Crystal Ball handy at the time and so didn't individually interview her DH's relatives, that she hardly knew, for their views on "blood relations" . If she had, should she have taken a majority vote? A percentage. What if only 2 out of 10 relatives thought this way? Is that reasonably good odds?

Maybe she thought that she and her DH were the ones to decide whether they should have a baby, rather than base it on the wishes of his relatives, particularly people like his Aunt.

Perhaps it never entered OP's imagination that his family would eventually be discovered to have these "blood relations only" notions and it didn't occur to her to base her own life choices on their regressive ideas.

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It doesn't take a crystal ball to know that blending families can be challenging. Actually discussing things beforehand would be a sensible first step.

Blueyshift · 23/07/2025 18:56

Thatsalineallright · 23/07/2025 17:16

Good, because adopting a child means you become that child's parent.

Marrying someone does not mean you become their child's parent. You become a step-parent, without the same rights or responsibilities of a parent.

If a step parent wants to be a child's actual parent then they should adopt. That's what adoption is for - to become a child's parent with all the normal parental rights and responsibilities.

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So you are saying only if its in law then people can't act like twats.
What happened to human decency.

So on law allowed in photo. Not in law then not in photo because blood.
Ok then.

Grammarnut · 23/07/2025 19:00

ProvoPrincess · 23/07/2025 15:47

My husband has told me that I am never to put my youngest in this kind of position again he says that my MiL and one of her sisters are very angry and he doesn’t blame them. Apparently I was also rude to the daughter - in - law of late uncle who was trying to wrangle the kids.

My father in law has died but he did say to my husband that his inheritance will only go to my husband’s biological children. Fair enough! This is a photo not half a house.

There were many photos outside the church and before the meal. We were all in group photos.

While the photo that upset me was taken by the official photographer it was taken about 2 hours after the meal where I consumed one glass of white and a glass of champagne. I was not pissed!

Husband totally accepts that DD1 is not his mother’s granddaughter.

All of DH’s grandparent’s descendants were in photos including those of his late uncle. Aunt in law has a great grandchild as well.

DH’s argument is that there were different combinations and lots of people were asked to step out. So late uncle’s descendants stepped out of the larger photo. Each sister had photos on own with their grandchildren including my MiL. The photo that I destroyed was the three surviving siblings, my MiL and her sisters and their grandchildren.

I tried my utmost to maintain a relationship with my former in-laws for the sake of my daughter. Ex MiL was either angry or sobbing which would make ex SiL cry. Five years later, she sent me a photo of her wedding to my parents’ address saying she was upset about how things worked out and wished us well.

While I don’t use the term in my house, ironically I have no issue with the use of half-siblings. Having them is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by but I am talking about my daughter’s inclusion with my other child in a family photo, a family where she has been a member for 7 years.

What is ironic is that most of them see my eldest more than some of the other blood related kids. But hey blood is blood.

Your husband told you? And where is he from, out of the Ark or the nineteenth century?

He needs to understand that you are his family.

Arraminta · 23/07/2025 19:00

Thatsalineallright · 23/07/2025 18:52

It's interesting, because the more I think about this the more I realise I'd be completely opposite to the OP and several other posters.

If my DH and I divorced, there's no way I'd want any new step-mum to be seen as just as important as me, the bio mum.

If I found out my ex-DH's new MIL was calling my child her actual grandchild and just generally the whole step-mother's family treated my child as theirs, I would feel they're overstepping.

I would want the new step-mum and family to be warm and kind etc but I'd want there to still be a distinction made between me + my family (my child's blood/legal relatives) and the step-mum + her family (my child's step-family with no legal or parental responsibilities).

Yes, exactly how I feel too. I have been with DH for nearly 34 years, married for 23 of them, but his family are not my family. I like most of his family and I'm very fond of several of them and count them as good friends. But they are not, and never will be, my family.

I already had my own family before I met DH so had no need to assimilate myself into his. Or vice versa.

Grammarnut · 23/07/2025 19:03

Thatsalineallright · 23/07/2025 18:54

It doesn't take a crystal ball to know that blending families can be challenging. Actually discussing things beforehand would be a sensible first step.

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So if it's blood only then sons-in-law and daughters-in-law are not included? Kinship is by blood and marriage. People who think it's only blood are weird.

Thatsalineallright · 23/07/2025 19:05

Blueyshift · 23/07/2025 18:56

So you are saying only if its in law then people can't act like twats.
What happened to human decency.

So on law allowed in photo. Not in law then not in photo because blood.
Ok then.

Show quote history

What I'm saying is that adoption is completely separate from being a step-parent.

An adopted parent is a parent. A step-parent is not a parent.

Grammarnut · 23/07/2025 19:13

Thatsalineallright · 23/07/2025 19:05

What I'm saying is that adoption is completely separate from being a step-parent.

An adopted parent is a parent. A step-parent is not a parent.

Show quote history

But from the sounds of OP's MiL she would not accept an adopted child as her grandchild either. It's blood or nothing. And a step-parent has a legal relationship with a stepchild i.e. a stepfather may not marry his stepdaughter afaik.

Bccbonbon · 23/07/2025 19:15

MidnightPatrol · 22/07/2025 19:42

These situations are very complicated.

I understand why you feel upset that your daughter was excluded.

But - I also appreciate why your MIL might not consider her equally to her own granddaughter, as ultimately, she isn’t.

Thinking about my own ‘step families’, I don’t think I’d expect to be in family photos of theirs. I’m not their niece or cousin or child etc. It is different.

I am unsure about your reaction - this may just be drawing attention to it and teaching your elder daughter she should be upset / feel rejected. Probably better to teach her to brush it off, roll your eyes etc? Difficult to get a ten year old to understand the dynamics.

Edited

No they are not complicated. Cruel adults make them so. And that's what happened here. I can't believe you are justifying making a ten year old feel shit for a bloody photo.