10 year old snubbed at wedding

[ProvoPrincess]

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family,

DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening.

All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in.

I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know.

Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren.

Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter.

I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill.

DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special.

I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

Personally I can understand why she was excluded however, they should have done separate photos. I have step children and can completely understand my parents wanting a photo of their grandchildren, not including my step children. They are treated nicely by my parents, nice gifts at Xmas and birthdays but they aren’t their grandchildren. You chose to be with your husband, they didn’t necessarily chose your family dynamics. I would just forget about it and move on.

I’ve never understood why parents have such a hard time understanding that when families get blended it’s not going to magically create some picture book family. It’s harsh but step kids aren’t the same as bio kids. Relationships will be different, situations will be different, treatment will be different… that’s ok and normal.

Does it suck for some kids, of course. Do some kids prefer it, yep.

OP, this was a really weird reaction and I can absolutely understand why people are mad about it. (The aunt was over the top snarky, though). I think it will blow over… but a mea culpa moment on your part would probably help.

Your eldest isn’t their granddaughter, and they’re not going to pretend she is. That’s not to say they don’t treat her kindly or as part of the family because clearly they have done, but they’re not going to consider her as a grandchild any more than you would consider your mother in law to be the same as your mother.

They weren’t unreasonable to want some grandmother and grandchildren photos, especially as they did include your daughter in others. Reacting as you did was never, and is never, going to get them to change their views.

The family didn’t do that. The children’s mother made it awkward.

You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve stood up for your children. The other adults behaved really badly and I’m ashamed of them. Your 10 yo is “blood” as she’s your younger child’s sibling and always will be. Hopefully next time they’ll think a bit about ‘othering’ their granddaughters sister and their son’s step child.

There is nothing to suggest that of the MIL. And this is about her relationship with the child. Weird as it would be, she could marry the step Child.

Yes, it's normal to have a few family photos with in-laws not included.

At my wedding I wanted one photo with just me and my siblings, no brothers-in-law. I also had photos with everyone.

My DH's sisters are not my sisters. My sister's husband's are not my brothers. I really don't understand why that would come as a shock to anyone.

If you personally view your in-laws as the same as your birth family then that's obviously fine, but you can't expect everyone (or even most people) to share your opinion.

Considering that some people end up having sex with their brothers/sisters-in-law (as seen on some MN threads), I certainly hope they aren't viewed the same as actual blood relatives!

Where in OP's posts does it say or even imply that? It's other posters who have brought up adoption as some sort of gotcha when really adoption has nothing to do with being a step-parent.

I agree @Thatsalineallright - adoptive parents are nothing like step parents & posters comparing the 2 are very mistaken (& being very hurtful in the process).

I know that OP has not said this. However, the whole tenor of the photograph was her grandchildren by blood. If that's what she thinks (and it looks very much as if she does) then an adopted child would be no more acceptable than a step-child.

No, they are not though having sex with your brother's wife is in some cultures considered incest - e.g. in England until fairly recently (within last 150 years) - and one could not marry a brother's widow or a sister's husband - they were within the forbidden area of consanguinity even though they did not share the same blood.
I would be bereft, now, if my stepson and his partner did not consider me family. I would be mostly alone. But I am family, my stepson's father's widow and he looks out for me, sees me at least once a week etc. does jobs, organises me. I am not his mother (who is still alive) but I am family. Blood doesn't come into it.

Adopted children come into a family through the courts. Both their parents are legally theirs. Step children have family members on the other parents side. There is a world of difference.

Absolutely, there's nothing wrong with being a stepchild and not being included in every photo. Other people would have been excluded from other photos too, that's how group photos and especially wedding photos work! Such hysteria on here. The only person who will be creating any issue for the child is OP with her ridiculous behaviour and making a big deal out of nothing. I'm sure this isn't the first time that this has happened either. Well done OP for making your child feel like crap and creating that lasting memory.

Disagree completely. We go through life being told to 'brush things off' and 'roll eyes (inwardly)' to avoid confrontation.
Sorry but if we're being made to feel like shit, we should 100% be able to say so.

I only really started doing this as I hit 40 - and wondered why the hell I hadn't done it sooner!

I actually think OP has taught her daughter a very valuable lesson: to always stand up for yourself, no matter what the circumstances. 👏👏

And she's taught her younger daughter that she isn't allowed anything of her own with her own relatives. It isn't the younger daughter's relatives' fault that the older daughter's dad and his relatives aren't there.

You’re just like them . The two girls are sisters ,
but you think they should be made feel that they are different, & treated differently..
The older little girl who is only 10 should not have been told she couldn’t be in the photo , she’s just a kid for Gods sake ! & it’s just a photo ! .
I don’t think somehow people will look at the photo & say “ oh look Mary is in the photograph, why is that ? , she shouldn’t be “ 🙄….

Good point

I think the circumstances are actually important. Always stand up for yourself when it matters. Why would you demand to be in a photo that people didn't want you to be in?

Standing up for yourself doesn't mean demanding to be in the photo; quite the opposite in fact. It's about making it known that you see this bad behaviour and you can't unsee it!
Only then might they realise what it's like to be made to feel like shit!

But it's not bad behaviour, she was included in photos just MIL wanted one with all her gkids. I really don't think it's a big deal.

You're right, she did. 'One with all her grandkids' should include the 10-year-old, whom her son has been father to since she was three.
Sorry but leaving this one child out because she's not 'biological' is just plain nasty.

Except they don’t feel like shit for not including OP’s eldest, and nor do they think they’re the ones that have behaved badly here. They all, including her husband, consider her to be the one that was wildly out of line.

Not at all. The child's mother was merely highlighting that you should absolutely stand up for what's right, even if by doing so, it makes you uncomfortable.

Well, then they'd ALL be wrong, wouldn't they? You should always stand up for what's right, even if it means standing alone.
OP absolutely did the right thing. Snubbing one 10-year-old because she's not 'blood' is just plain nasty. And people wonder why some kids are f'd up!?

And people wonder why some kids are f'd up!? Because their parents make big dramas over nothing like OP!