10 year old snubbed at wedding

[ProvoPrincess]

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family,

DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening.

All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in.

I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know.

Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren.

Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter.

I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill.

DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special.

I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

I think what a huge amount of posters are missing is that the DH also had a photo taken with his mum, sisters and the biological grandchildren.

If the DH wasn’t happy to exclude his stepdaughter, he should have stopped it there. He was happy to. His family acted accordingly.

OP, and previous posters, are gunning for the MIL and SIL when they should be annoyed at the DH, if anyone.

What a debacle. I assume alcohol was involved? It was an incredibly crass and undignified way to handle the situation, as you're now aware. And involving your children in your histrionics (crying infront of them, really?) is beyond the Pale.

I have no time for adults who selfishly indulge in these sort of outbursts at the expense of their children's equilibrium. My Mother did this to me often and I absolutely hated it.

Having said that, the Auntie's spiteful remark was totally unnecessary too. Very childish.

Fair enough. You sound lovely.

Until what happens? Me and DH split?

Perhaps you're right and he won't want to see my DS again but I probably have more insight than you.

And the principle remains that the PP was making an assumption based on no evidence at all.

😂 My step nieces and nephews would say I am. They are currently staying with us as my sibling and partner are both away with work. We have spoiled them, we’ve taken them on days out, bought them things, played with them and today my oldest son is taking them to the cinema and then for pizza. As I said, day to day, we treat them like our bio nieces and nephews but it’s still different and that’s ok. They’re cared for and everyone is kind to them.

Imagine you have a DH and DD. You sadly pass away. Your DH inherits your money. Then he remarries a woman who already has children. Do you want your DH to leave the money equally to his biological child and his step children?

I suspect a lot of the posters saying "a step child is just the same as a biological/adopted child, the OP's in-laws are monsters not to acknowledge that" would suddenly change their tune.

The situation was a mother of the bride and her sister, taking photos at the wedding. They were availing of the photographer being there, and wanted photos for their albums/phones/home. Photos would have been of them with their children, them with their children and grandchildren, them with their grandchildren - them with their spouses, them with everyone. Etc etc etc. We know how it goes.

They’d had one with their children (no spouses), one with all children, and wanted one with their grandchildren.

Along comes one of the DILs, along with her daughter from a previous marriage/other family. She snatches one of the grandchildren away and makes a scene.

As far as the MIL is concerned, the elder daughter is not her son’s child. Only the younger one is. He is father to one child, and that child is her granddaughter. He is ALSO stepfather to another child - that was his choice to make. But MIL doesn’t see that elder child as his. And therefore, not her grandchild.

If the DH hasn’t made clear to his family that he sees the elder daughter as his own child - which he obviously hasn’t given he took part in the photo which excluded her - the OP needs to take that up with him. She took a moment away from a grandmother, selfishly and immaturely and petulantly. And really the cruel thing is that she’s taking the younger daughter away from her paternal family, to “match” the elder daughter who also isn’t in touch with her paternal family. That was a conscious decision OP made. Totally wrong.

In reality, most probably the son/DH is fudging it between wife (yes of course I’ll treat her as my own) and mother (thanks mum for being proud of me for taking her in; oh yes, doesn’t baby younger daughter look just like you and granny?).

Yes, this. Every word. I know it's not what the OP wants to believe, but it's true.

It’s true because the older daughter already has a father. A different man to the OP’s DH.

OP may want to erase him from her and her DD’s life, or that man may want to erase himself from their lives - but he exists, whether or not the wider family have met him, whether or not the DH is raising the elder daughter alongside OP. As far as the wider family is concerned, the elder daughter has an entirely separate and different paternal family that doesn’t involve them.

It’s not about rights and wrongs - who knows if that other man was awful or not, is alive or not, is unwell or not, or any number of worse or boringly banal things - it’s about facts. The elder DD has a different man as her father, and the DH doesn’t see himself as her father in the same was as he is the younger child’s father.

That used to happen to my daughter. My partners family all wanted pics with children and grandchildren my eldest daughter was always told to stay out of photos whilst my younger three (proper grandchildren) were in them.She didn't care she didn't like them anyway!

Why does OP need to apologise? MiL and S-i-Ls were the people who behaved badly. A step-child is one of the family, is step-grandchild to MiL and should be in the photo. In ditto situation (which I cannot imagine having with my family) I would withdraw my other child and go home telling DH to come as well - what a shitty lot of uncaring people!
Example you give is no comparison to what OP's DH's family did. Adults will understand that spouses might not be included. Children, who thought they were one of the group, will be hurt and not understand except that they have been 'othered' and the people who they thought were family do not regard them as family.

My husband has told me that I am never to put my youngest in this kind of position again he says that my MiL and one of her sisters are very angry and he doesn’t blame them. Apparently I was also rude to the daughter - in - law of late uncle who was trying to wrangle the kids.

My father in law has died but he did say to my husband that his inheritance will only go to my husband’s biological children. Fair enough! This is a photo not half a house.

There were many photos outside the church and before the meal. We were all in group photos.

While the photo that upset me was taken by the official photographer it was taken about 2 hours after the meal where I consumed one glass of white and a glass of champagne. I was not pissed!

Husband totally accepts that DD1 is not his mother’s granddaughter.

All of DH’s grandparent’s descendants were in photos including those of his late uncle. Aunt in law has a great grandchild as well.

DH’s argument is that there were different combinations and lots of people were asked to step out. So late uncle’s descendants stepped out of the larger photo. Each sister had photos on own with their grandchildren including my MiL. The photo that I destroyed was the three surviving siblings, my MiL and her sisters and their grandchildren.

I tried my utmost to maintain a relationship with my former in-laws for the sake of my daughter. Ex MiL was either angry or sobbing which would make ex SiL cry. Five years later, she sent me a photo of her wedding to my parents’ address saying she was upset about how things worked out and wished us well.

While I don’t use the term in my house, ironically I have no issue with the use of half-siblings. Having them is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by but I am talking about my daughter’s inclusion with my other child in a family photo, a family where she has been a member for 7 years.

What is ironic is that most of them see my eldest more than some of the other blood related kids. But hey blood is blood.

I would be telling my husband that his priorities should be with you and your direct family and not with his mother and aunt. Make it clear to this mummy’s boy that you will do what you deem to be appropriate at that given time regarding your children. He needs to acknowledge that you were also upset by their behaviour. I would be furious if my husband said this to me.

For what it's worth I believe my mil would have had my step-nephew in a picture like that.
Very similar circumstances, he has no communication with his paternal family and has been in our lives since the age of 4, now 12 with a younger bio sibling. There's no way my mil would have left him out of that photo and nobody who would have asked him not to be in it.

I still think yanbu.

I still think yabu.

I understand you're sad that your DD doesn't see her dad or paternal relatives. That is a normal thing to be very sad and angry about.

I'm wondering if you're displacing that sadness and anger onto your DH' s family. Strong emotions rarely let us be rational.

Crying and making a scene in front of the kids is just not on though. Even if your in laws were horrible the best thing would be to quietly leave, distract the kids while you manage your emotions, and then when you're feeling up to it calmly explain that X was being mean and that why you all left etc.

This is common and there are lots of threads on here about children in blended families being treated unequally.

No matter what the rest of the world does or thinks, no one can be forced to treat everyone the same. Maybe it would be nice if they could. But it should be understandable why they choose not to and it's their right to do so. After all, the blending wasn't something they chose to do, it's usually something that for better or worse was forced upon them.

If how the blending works is going to be important to someone then that should be sorted out before the blending and not after it and then at least you know where you stand from time zero and can prepare the family for it and explain the differences consistently and over time, rather than just expecting it all to happen the way you want it to be.

Well now you know exactly where you stand.

Your husband fully supports and agrees with his family only treating his biological child as actual family.

Now you get to either argue with him about it or come to terms with it.

Of course biological grandchildren are different to step grandchildren. I love my grandchildren with a passion and would do anything I could to make their lives better, just as a parent would do. I have no stepgrandcgildren but could never feel the same if one came into my life.
I have also been in the situation of becoming a kinship carer for a grandchild due to some unfortunate circumstances, I doubt social services would have recommended me if I'd been a step grandparent.

My DH is adopted. The only blood relatives he has are our DC. No one in his family has EVER excluded him from anything, photos or otherwise because he isn’t related to them by blood.

DH and his sis (also adopted and not blood related to DH) were treated the same by grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Good, because adopting a child means you become that child's parent.

Marrying someone does not mean you become their child's parent. You become a step-parent, without the same rights or responsibilities of a parent.

If a step parent wants to be a child's actual parent then they should adopt. That's what adoption is for - to become a child's parent with all the normal parental rights and responsibilities.

I'm from a family in which my Mum and uncles were adopted and I cannot imagine anyone behaving like this in the family, especially to a child.

They all want to bash Op but all she was doing was being a Mum who is prepared to stand up for her kids.

Nothing shameful in that.

My step nieces and nephews are just as important as those related to me by blood. Thankfully they are all treated as equal grandchildren by their grandparents. I am so sorry op that there were all so insensitive and actually cruel imo.

OP definitely has a DH problem, for sure.

This was my thought. We have couple of cousins who adopted children, and every single member of the family treats those children exactly the same as the bio kids. Family is family.

OP I think you need to accept that your behaviour isn't going to get you what you want, if anything it seems to be further alienating these people.

I'll ask again, have you looked into getting any sort of support for your feelings towards your oldest DDs family abandonment of her? Or support to help you come to terms with your family dynamic not being what you hoped it would be?

Doing the same thing again and again is only going to give the same results and could even drive a wedge between your DDs.