10 year old snubbed at wedding

[ProvoPrincess]

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family,

DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening.

All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in.

I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know.

Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren.

Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter.

I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill.

DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special.

I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

It'll blow over OP. It'll make them more aware of not excluding your dd or treating her as second class.

@ProvoPrincess you did the right thing.

You and you DD came as a package deal. Excluding her in this way was public and a clear message - they don't consider DD family.

You have a massive DH problem if he can't see that.

Your job is to protect your kids and you did that. Next time, try not to break down in front of them as they won't understand it was from a place of hurt and frustration.

You'd think it would be obvious.

OP's oldest daughter has two sets of grandparents. The fact she doesn't see one set of them does not erase them from living, they are still there are still her grandparents / extended family.

If as so many people think the step grandparents treat her just as anyone else in the family, she now has three sets of grandparents and extended family. In comparison to her younger siblings, who have two sets of grandparents.

It is not the fault of the OP's new MIL that her older daughter does not have contact with her other grandparents. It is entirely unfair of the OP to expect these unrelated people to compensate for that. The older daughter was invited to the wedding and not excluded. There is nothing to say that these people are actively unkind or mean to her. OP isn't happy because she wants everyone else to pretend her older DD has the same dad as the younger one and they're not up for that.

If they’re a package deal then her husband is the purchaser, not his family. They didn’t choose to have a stepfamily and weren’t given an option on the deal.

The 10 year old would have been bothered once the photo was displayed, pride of place no doubt, and she would think hang on, where am I? Kids notice these things.

You’re projecting.

I just don’t give a fuck, they are a child in a photo. No one is saying they should be equally considered in the will but sent out of the photo is outrageous.
my mil never liked having partners in even family photos taken at casual events, and I just think they are part of the history, her ‘you’re not part of this’ attitude really offsided me. My parents were totally not like this.

You don’t get to choose what kind of child you have either but absent them being truly awful you are expected to love them. And recognise their partner becomes their family unit.

I think you did well pulling her out of the photo op. Don’t be embarrassed.

No I'm not. I'm not in a situation to the OPs in the slightest thanks.

Ah so you agree it is different then, you just don’t think this scenario is important.

So MIL can exclude the step-grandchild from her will as not a blood relative, but can’t take a photo without her as this is terrible and othering?

It’s just how I feel and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. Biology matters to us, it connects us and I don’t feel the same connection with my step nieces and nephews, who have their own bio family who no doubt do feel that connection with them.

Just because so many parents aren’t together and they want future partners and their families to feel the same way about their children as they do, doesn’t mean everyone does or should. It just suits some people to want it because they’re in so called blended families.

I had a cousin who wasn't an actual relation (was a step cousin I suppose), as a child I never knew and only found out years later that my two cousins in that family were the daughter of my actual aunt and the son of her husband neither were children of both. It made absolutely no difference to how they were treated in the family. I don't understand not including a ten year old who has been part of the family since they were three, just mind bogglingly cruel, poor child being rejected by what they must consider is their family.

Well that's tough, isn't it? None of us get to dictate the grandchildren we have, whether they are biological, adopted or step, or none at all. Our role as parents of adult children is to respect their choices regarding the families they create, take our cue from them, and accept or decline the roles that infers on us. A biological GC is no more or less 'ours' than one our child brings into the family in another way. We are offered a relationship through our child and its perfectly reasonable for our child to tell us the offer is all the children of their family, or none at all.
In all honesty, adults with the arrogance to believe their blood and DNA is so special it justifies excluding a child who doesn't share it is staggering to me.

Hope you are OK OP. I was awake in the early hours and some of the replies at that time were really sticking the knife in to an already upset OP. Glad they have calmed down now. It'll blow over.

These stories are always the same; the first child’s paternal family are never in the picture, so somewhere along the line it was assumed the new partner’s family would simply take place, especially if there’s another half-sibling with the new partner. But no one asks the families, and then there’s confusion and upset when people are forced to realise that not everyone sees their child/the relationship in the way they just imagined.

You did the right thing, OP. I would’ve done the same.

Leaving a child out is just mean.

I would apologise and say I was tipsy / hormonal.

Agree with the posters saying you can’t force extended family to treat a step child as a their family member. It is their right not to do that. Your older Dd should have her father’s family in that role. It’s not your dhs family’s fault that her own father is a substandard parent.

This is equally true of both sides of the equation.

@ProvoPrincess unless the family have form for regularly excluding your eldest and treating her differently, you have over reacted massively and should probably apologise. It sounds like this was a specific photo they wanted which didn’t include anyone who didn’t share a specific relationship with the people in the photo, call it blood or family name or whatever. They can do that if they wish. It doesn’t mean they don’t accept or care for your daughter, but the truth is she isn’t one of “them”. It’s weird to me, my nephew’s partners child is my niece as far as I’m concerned and would be in any family photo, but I’m not them.

If they had been cruel to her and upset her when they excluded her that’s not acceptable, but it seems the only person who upset your daughter was you. You made it clear to them there was a difference in how she was being treated, and probably confused your other daughter too.

But the vast majority of people would agree that a biological relation is more ‘ours’ than a non-biological relation.

The DH had a photo with just his blood relatives too. You’re expecting more from the MIL and SIL than of the husband.

When do extended families ever get a say in the families adults choose to create? Do people ask their parents if its OK if they get married and bring a D/Sil into the family? Do they contact Auntie Gladys and say they're thinking of getting pregnant, and is she OK to be a great aunt? Or ask their parents if they'd prefer to be grandparents at 56, or would they prefer to defer until retirement? And how many GC would they like? Two, or three?
When our children are adults, our control ends and they make the families they choose. If that makes us grandparent to a child they have taken as their own, then thats our role and if we want to be part of their family, we accept it.

No. If you are married/in a relationship with their mum and bringing them up, you are a step-dad. For example, you would not be able to sign school permission forms as their legal guardian, because you aren't.

Then depending on the family set up, you might not have equal say in parenting decisions compared to the mum (judging by Mumsnet, this is very common).

You might view the child as yours and the child might grow up to see you as their dad. That's lovely and a choice that both make. That doesn't mean the world will see it the same way. You still won't be their legal guardian. If you want that, you should adopt them and then you will be their dad. Otherwise, you will remain their step-dad.

A step-parent can be a very important person in a child's life. They can love and take care of the child just as much as the biological/legal parent. That doesn't make them an actual biological/legal parent.

Edited to add: the OP caused a scene at her SIL's wedding over a photo decision taken by her MIL. She should absolutely be sorry for casting a pall over her SIL's special day.

my nephew’s partners child is my niece

*My great-neice

I wonder if the OP has made a big effort to ensure her older DD sees her dad’s extended family. From my experience, often when the mum cuts off the dad, she cuts off his family too. The child is the one who loses out.

Trying to rewrite history doesn’t help anyone.

Haha, yeah, until it happens.