Unhappy at my DP for his actions at DS christening

[ConfusedChix]

So DS was christened 2 weeks ago and I am still fuming. It would be a long rant to put in every micro detail but don’t want to drip feed either so bear with me and I will try and get my points across. Basically there are 3 main things that have upset me:

1. DS was whisked off me fairly early on in the party after the ceremony by DSIL and then not long after some of my side started to leave. Hence lots of pics of DS with DP’s friends and family but very little with mine. I think in all honesty some of my friends may have left early because they couldn’t get a look in so may as well go home and be comfy on their sofa kinda thing. I am embarrassed and wish I had stood up to DSIL who pressured me in to handing DS over saying Auntie needed to have a hold and mummy was being mean monopolising him.

2. both my DM and DMIL have recently passed. We had pics of them both there as grandparents to my DS. I found out after the event that DP and DFIL had taken some nice pics of them with DS and DMIL but didn’t think to take any of DS with my DM nor put it on my radar that I may want to do the same. I didn’t think of it at the time in all honesty because things were busy as they are when you are hosting anything but now feel a horrible guilt that my DM was a poor side event whereas DMIL had a lovely fuss made of her and the photos are always there for my DS to see, and do not include my DM.

3. Myself and DP have recently got engaged. I have been engaged 4 times previously in previous failed relationships which I am embarrassed about and DP knows that, but hey life doesn’t always go to plan for all of us hey and things happen. However, he had many drinks at DS’s christening and was pretty drunk and made a very disparaging comment to me at the end of the day when everyone had left apart from his family and referred to me being engaged a number of times as a sort of put-down to shut me up. I felt humiliated and went silent and luckily I think the others realised my discomfort and so nothing further was said but I am still upset at him for doing this and using this against me in a public forum in front of all his family when mine had all gone.

I am struggling to get past all this and have cried for days afterwards. I have no enthusiasm for DS’ christening cards or anything like that as I just feel they are reminders of what was a horrible day for me.

i feel that it was basically DP’s party for his family and friends and they celebrated and me and my family/ friends just came along for the ride.

AIBU??? Please tell me if I am as I want to get past this but am struggling.

Why don’t you get hold of your mother’s picture and take some photos now? Hold a small family event for your family only and take some photos with them

Tell your partner he has been a dick and see what he says

but do you really want to marry him if he is like this?

When it is just me and him he is usually great. I think alcohol and a predominant focus on his family and friends when hosting has unfortunately made him a bit less thoughtful towards me on this occasion

First 2 points I think you are being unreasonable and over sensitive. 3rd point he shouldn’t have made those comments in front of others.

This.

YABU over the first points. DP isn’t responsible for your interactions with your family or friends.

But the comment was out of order.

And the main issue is you have a feeling of separation from him. A them vs us feeling about you and your friends/family and him and his.

It’s not about MY interactions with my family and friends, more my child’s - it was DS’ christening and none of my friends or family had much of a chance to see him as he was monopolised by DP’s family and that is my issue, not about me

1. People probably left because christenings aren't really a big thing, they're more for the parents, godparents, and immediate family so people tend to leave early on. It's a bit of a non-event and, unless your ultra-religious, you'll barely remember it a few years from now.

1. I think grief is clouding your viewpoint here and I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. You could put together an album of photos of your mum for DS when he's older and write down some memories to share with him. You could include whatever photos you do have of the two of them together, you could also take some photos of him with photos of your mum. There are Photoshop groups on FB too, if you give them some christening photos they will be able to Photoshop your mum and DS together.

1. Being disrespectful to you when drunk is a huge red flag and, unless addressed now, is likely to get worse as the years go on. Have you told him it upset you and, if so, how did he respond?

That’s your fault imo, speak up and go get YOUR child back?

The first 2 points YABU to blame DP but point 3 is understandable you would be upset

Yeah, I wish I had have done. I have issues re people pleasing and need to be more assertive sometimes and completely accept that.

But you could have taken him back at any time, he's your baby and you could have just said "excuse me, just borrowing DS to go say hello to so-and-so/have a photo with my mum/do a quick tour of the room".

Unless there is a huge backstory of longer term selfish behaviour then the issue here is that they're not mind-readers, if you left DS with them and didn't say anything about it then they'd have no reason not to presume you were fine with it.

The first two points you are being unreasonable. You're cross with yourself and blaming it on DP. It was for you to manage DS and his interaction with your family and friends. That's not DP's job, he was busy seeing to his side of the family.

The third one sounds awful, using something he knows embarrasses
you to silence you is a huge red flag. What were you saying that he wanted to silence you about?

For your DP and FIL, MIL will be the priority, I don't think they did anything wrong with the pictures. I don't think your family would have left because they didn't get a look in with the baby, they could have still celebrated with you and the family. Given your 3rd point though, in which your DP was clearly out of order, I wonder if they left early because your DP is a twat and maybe the drinking. For me, Christenings aren't an excuse to get drunk, it's a child's event. I'd frown up on a parent being drunk at their child's Christening.

Number three is a massive no no. The first two not idea, sounds a bit shit but nothing glaringly standing out there as a big issue.

Sorry about your mum, it must have been a hard day without her there, MIL having recently passed too must have meant there were a lot of raw nerves around.

I have told him it upset me and he has apologised and said he does go too far sometimes when trying to be funny, especially when drunk. I can’t get past feeling humiliated though and no way do I want to plan a wedding now as I don’t want anything similar to happen at the wedding as that would just devastate me and I also feel embarrassed that we got engaged in the first place. I should have said no, given that I have been engaged “so many times” people were always bound to laugh, and it’s not even like you need to be engaged/ married in this day and age so regret it entirely at this point

I just think it’s mean to put it in your points of reasons you’re annoyed with DP. Neither of you took your child off of his side of the family so you are both at fault.

I am a people pleaser too but don’t feel bad getting your baby back OP

I’m always surprised at people having christenings that aren’t very religious. Like a sham christening. Bit weird. You aren’t married and don’t go to church, why bother with a christening which is a celebration and welcome into the church.

I would be furious over his comment.
What's on a drunks person's lips, is on a sober person's mind.

The photo too, he is a selfish fecker.

I think you should put ex engagement number 5 under your hat, unless he grows up pronto. I find a lot of men thoughtless, if it is not in their interest then it isn't worth thinking about. Prick.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum, it's really hard when you have a little baby. 😢

I think you are a bit ott in regards to the first two. You easily could have taken the baby back. I am very sorry about your mother but I am not sure that it is his fault that you did not think of doing similar.

The third thing was mean and cruel. I suspect though this will happen again and again. I would have a lot of reservation about getting married to this man.

You could have simply said, "right let me get a hold of DS, it's so and so's turn for photos" and taken it from there.

I understand your frustration, perhaps your partner and his family did take over and had a more dominant personality than yours but surely don't cry about it - learn from the experience x

I have had similar happen to me (first birthday party) but I really couldn't blame anyone - I have just had to adopt a more dominant role with my children and leave the hosting alone - husband could do it.

Although his comment regarding your previous engagements is mean; I would talk to him about this and expect an apology, and such comments should not reoccurr. No one should use past behaviour against their partner especially if he intends on marrying you.

DS was whisked off me fairly early on in the party after the ceremony by DSIL and then not long after some of my side started to leave. Hence lots of pics of DS with DP’s friends and family but very little with mine. I think in all honesty some of my friends may have left early because they couldn’t get a look in so may as well go home and be comfy on their sofa kinda thing.

I really, really doubt any of your friends left a Christening because they couldn't hold your baby....

What's his plan for stopping drinking?

How is that your DPs fault?

No I don’t think it’s his fault that I didn’t think of it. It is entirely MY fault that I didn’t think of it. I just wish that he had put it on my radar to do the same as I felt really s* afterwards for it as my son’s photos do not include any with my DM’s pics. I would always do the same for him and his mum as I have for mine out of consideration for him and just feel a bit hurt that he did not show the same consideration towards me and my feelings for my own DM

Not saying it is, just that it upset me. His family are very much louder than mine and take over.