Unhappy at my DP for his actions at DS christening

[ConfusedChix]

So DS was christened 2 weeks ago and I am still fuming. It would be a long rant to put in every micro detail but don’t want to drip feed either so bear with me and I will try and get my points across. Basically there are 3 main things that have upset me:

1. DS was whisked off me fairly early on in the party after the ceremony by DSIL and then not long after some of my side started to leave. Hence lots of pics of DS with DP’s friends and family but very little with mine. I think in all honesty some of my friends may have left early because they couldn’t get a look in so may as well go home and be comfy on their sofa kinda thing. I am embarrassed and wish I had stood up to DSIL who pressured me in to handing DS over saying Auntie needed to have a hold and mummy was being mean monopolising him.

2. both my DM and DMIL have recently passed. We had pics of them both there as grandparents to my DS. I found out after the event that DP and DFIL had taken some nice pics of them with DS and DMIL but didn’t think to take any of DS with my DM nor put it on my radar that I may want to do the same. I didn’t think of it at the time in all honesty because things were busy as they are when you are hosting anything but now feel a horrible guilt that my DM was a poor side event whereas DMIL had a lovely fuss made of her and the photos are always there for my DS to see, and do not include my DM.

3. Myself and DP have recently got engaged. I have been engaged 4 times previously in previous failed relationships which I am embarrassed about and DP knows that, but hey life doesn’t always go to plan for all of us hey and things happen. However, he had many drinks at DS’s christening and was pretty drunk and made a very disparaging comment to me at the end of the day when everyone had left apart from his family and referred to me being engaged a number of times as a sort of put-down to shut me up. I felt humiliated and went silent and luckily I think the others realised my discomfort and so nothing further was said but I am still upset at him for doing this and using this against me in a public forum in front of all his family when mine had all gone.

I am struggling to get past all this and have cried for days afterwards. I have no enthusiasm for DS’ christening cards or anything like that as I just feel they are reminders of what was a horrible day for me.

i feel that it was basically DP’s party for his family and friends and they celebrated and me and my family/ friends just came along for the ride.

AIBU??? Please tell me if I am as I want to get past this but am struggling.

Wow some posters are harsh. I mean, yeah I asked for advice but do some of you just get off on being able to be nasty to people anonymously on here? If so, some of you seriously need to seek therapy to get over yourselves. (and before anyone says anything not saying I don’t have issues but unnecessary nastiness ain’t one of them!!!)

For the poster who said I didn’t think about my mum - obviously you haven’t lost yours or you would know how impossible that is. I just thought in a different way and would have liked to have done similar if I had thought. Yes, he thought and that was lovely of him to do so but I do wish he would have nudged me to the same as I would have loved that and you know what, the other way around I would have considered him and given him a prompt rather than do something one-sided. But hey, maybe that is just me and not everything thinks of others all the time.

For the people who have offered realism without nastiness, thank you, I appreciate you, and it is certainly helping me gain perspective on the first two points.

I am very hurt on the last point. I do think alcohol played a massive part in this and yes I think the advice re watching how much he drinks at events may be helpful. He is a different person when he drinks, although not usually so nasty.

1 and 2 OPs issue

3 nasty Dp

There was nothing stopping you from taking your son off your SIL, and saying you want some photos taken with your family. It's down to you to organise your son's interactions with your own family. Don't take out the fact you're cross with yourself, on your partner. He didn't do anything wrong at this point. Your partner or his family aren't mind readers, you didn't say anything or take your son off them, so their presumption is, you were happy. You need to be more assertive and put boundaries in place. As for your partner's later comment, that was mean and out of order. He knows you're embarrassed by the fact you've been engaged several times before, and used that to silence you. Has he done this before? This is a red flag for me. Is he going to use this every time something doesn't go his way or you say something he doesn't like?!

Wait for the comment about the multiple engagements to pop up again and tell him your happy to make it with time lucky if he wants to keep acting like this

Do you even know what a Christening represents? It’s about your child being welcomed into the body of Christ. It has a deeply theological and sacramental meaning.

You and your ‘partner’ have managed to make it all about you, family drama and social media photos. Just why even bother bringing the church into it? Do you have any Christian beliefs?

Who mentioned anything about social media??? The only photos mentioned are the physical ones of my deceased DM and DMIL that were there for sentimental reasons as both have passed within the last 6 months. And yes, more than capable of understanding the meaning behind a christening thanks, and especially with having close relatives on the other side this is partly why it has hurt so much. I wanted perfect I guess in their honour and that doesn’t exist but this didn’t even come close.

You should have said something then?

.As for your partner's later comment, that was mean and out of order. He knows you're embarrassed by the fact you've been engaged several times before, and used that to silence you. Has he done this before? This is a red flag for me. Is he going to use this every time something doesn't go his way or you say something he doesn't like?!

This is what I would focus on. There are red flags all over this.

Absolutely I should and a definite note made to certainly do so should this happen again in similar circs. I am a people pleaser and can be a little too passive but it is only at my own expense so big girl boots will be worn next time.

I'm a little confused and I'm probably not understanding things correctly. You say the christening was 2 weeks ago but your DM and DMIL passed within the last 6 months. How were the photos taken at the party with DFIL, DS and DMIL if she has already died?

Im sorry for your losses OP.

Sounds like you all got carried away with your partner's side hence your friends leaving early & unfortunately the photographer should have been incharge of arranging photos & asked your mum if she would like them (maybe they did & she was more modest ?)

Id be raging about the comment about you with other men though. Absolutely scum to say anything at your own child's christening

It was a picture of her mother and mother in law. Not them physically there.

No, just taking some of the advice to stand up for myself. And I think I have done so without the nastiness shown to me by some of the pp on here. Not me who is hard work my love.

Her mother and mother in law are both dead. There were photographs of them at the event that were used. So, pictures of the grandmothers included in photographs of the baby. That's how I understand it.

I’d be thrilled to have had 5 men desperate to marry me! Hold your head up high OP, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You are clearly a catch and your future grandchildren will love this story.

No one is showing you any nastiness! Not one person.

I'm not actually religious but agree with everything you have said. This supposed whole 'christening' shebang just sounds incredibly shallow to me. All the emphasis on who was in which photo with whom and who held the baby longest? The petty passive aggressiveness, followed by the days of crying afterwards? Do adults really behave like this?

As for the having been already engaged 4 times, somehow I am not surprised. Being engaged but with no wedding date set doesn't mean a thing. It's a non-state of being. An empty gesture. All the emphasis is on the ring, the hype and the tawdry photos on social media, no doubt.

Same with the totally misplaced fear about her DP's behaviour on their wedding day (if there ever is one). Yet again, stressing about the superficial, how it will 'look' with not a single thought about, you know, the actual marriage.

I'd habe taken my child back - tbh wanting tjem to have him "interactions" woth all relatives just seems plain daft. It's not fair on a young child to keep passing them round for photo opportunities !

People pleasing is as much a part of the drama triangle as other roles. People people-please to meet their own needs (as I say this as a major people-pleaser). For me, I think it’s about feeling in control and safe if other people aren’t disappointed in me. You’ve got to work out what’s in it for you to people-please to see how easy it is to actually stop.

I didn’t say I hadn’t been married. That is an incorrect assumption. I don’t seem to pick great men but it’s certainly not just about “the ring or the hype”

Sorry but you sound hard work and to be honest off you’ve been on his case for the full event probably had enough and shut you up with comment

but do think the comments was out of order

Just get your family and friends to drop in for a special photo session with DS. Put him in the same outfit and enjoy the get-together. put them in an album together with some photos of your mum.

No need to ask DP's side or friends. This is just a re-run.

Then don't marry him: he sounds horrid.

My grandmother was a single mother of a kid and got pregnant from his fiance. He made that kind of comment about her in the pub, guess what? She ended being a single mother of two kids with different dad, because told him to f off.
Years after she meet my grandad. Every time she told me this story I felt so proud of her.
Regarding the photos, their family don't bother much about you I suppose.

Personally, I think ending another engagement would be the way to go.

I think you need to figure out why you keep picking men who treat you poorly.