Unhappy at my DP for his actions at DS christening

[ConfusedChix]

So DS was christened 2 weeks ago and I am still fuming. It would be a long rant to put in every micro detail but don’t want to drip feed either so bear with me and I will try and get my points across. Basically there are 3 main things that have upset me:

1. DS was whisked off me fairly early on in the party after the ceremony by DSIL and then not long after some of my side started to leave. Hence lots of pics of DS with DP’s friends and family but very little with mine. I think in all honesty some of my friends may have left early because they couldn’t get a look in so may as well go home and be comfy on their sofa kinda thing. I am embarrassed and wish I had stood up to DSIL who pressured me in to handing DS over saying Auntie needed to have a hold and mummy was being mean monopolising him.

2. both my DM and DMIL have recently passed. We had pics of them both there as grandparents to my DS. I found out after the event that DP and DFIL had taken some nice pics of them with DS and DMIL but didn’t think to take any of DS with my DM nor put it on my radar that I may want to do the same. I didn’t think of it at the time in all honesty because things were busy as they are when you are hosting anything but now feel a horrible guilt that my DM was a poor side event whereas DMIL had a lovely fuss made of her and the photos are always there for my DS to see, and do not include my DM.

3. Myself and DP have recently got engaged. I have been engaged 4 times previously in previous failed relationships which I am embarrassed about and DP knows that, but hey life doesn’t always go to plan for all of us hey and things happen. However, he had many drinks at DS’s christening and was pretty drunk and made a very disparaging comment to me at the end of the day when everyone had left apart from his family and referred to me being engaged a number of times as a sort of put-down to shut me up. I felt humiliated and went silent and luckily I think the others realised my discomfort and so nothing further was said but I am still upset at him for doing this and using this against me in a public forum in front of all his family when mine had all gone.

I am struggling to get past all this and have cried for days afterwards. I have no enthusiasm for DS’ christening cards or anything like that as I just feel they are reminders of what was a horrible day for me.

i feel that it was basically DP’s party for his family and friends and they celebrated and me and my family/ friends just came along for the ride.

AIBU??? Please tell me if I am as I want to get past this but am struggling.

I think you need to put this behind you and work on asserting yourself better in future. If someone tried to take my baby and called me a meanie I wouldn’t let them near the baby. I have a slightly unhinged relative who did try to take my baby from my arms once and I said no, she’s staying with me while stepping back. She stamped her foot and everyone nearby thought she was nuts. Get a carrier if this sort of thing happens often.

I can see why this is a tad upsetting, but surely even you can see that fuming two weeks later over this is an insane overreaction?

He's hosting a Christening, looking after the baby, mourning his mum and drunk...it's hardly super surprising that he didn't remember to remind you to take a photo with your mum (when you forgot yourself!!). Come on! You can't really be blaming him for that one.

But your title is “Unhappy at my DP for his actions at DS christening”

these aren’t his actions. You’re upset about something but YABU to blame your DP

Have another get together for your family.

3rd point he shouldn’t have made those comments in front of others.

Or at all.

OP: this getting engaged thing. 'Getting Engaged' is a non-event. It has no legal status and doesn't commit anyone to anything , as you have found.

You don't need a big wedding to get married.

Your decision on marriage should be based, IMO, on:
Do you love your DP? Are you a team, you two together making your way in the world for each other and for your children?
Does he feel the same about you? Are you his rick, his best friend, his inspiration?
Does marriage benefit you? If you are a SAHM and he pays a mortgage on house which does not have your name on the Deeds: get married! If you have your own property, bought before you got together, with lots of equity, and you earn more and have better career prospects - think twice and then think twice again about marriage.

You seem very focussed on events, photos etc. Look inward at yourself and your relationship. That's the most important view.

Really sorry you lost your Mum. Bound to feel rocked and insecure for a while.

You didn't need a Christening!
You are being very sensitive!
I think you need to grow a back bone and start standing up for yourself!

And this - whereas DMIL had a lovely fuss made of her - weird! How can you make a big fuss or a photo?

I think it’s a weird dynamic for a couple who are planning to marry. It seems to be him and his family, or you and your family.

As an engaged couple, I would expect it’s your family (you, fiancé, baby) and others fit around you. You’d be having photos together, and other members of the extended family (from either or both sides) would be joining in.

This.

Especially number 1 - I always allowed people to take DS and would be disappointed in my friends for leaving early - not blaming someone else for them doing so.

Are you Stacey

1. It’s a bit of a leaning curve, we all being there. Next time you should be more assertive and plus have someone reliable in charge of photos and give them clear instructions, basically plan, plan, plan. However don’t worry much people are not so keen on holding babies as parents think, sorry, your friends just left without any hard feelings.
2. Sorry for your loss. You are emotional understandably about it, lots of good advices here. Do something memorable it always helps.
3. It’s big and bad. Your partner was a huge twat and you need to think hard why it’s happened was it a drink or attitude or family or friends encouraged it. You have a long road ahead ( hopefully) and this sort of behaviour always makes things worse. Think yourself, ask advice here and then have a conversation with him.

1. Your friends will have been there to support you not see your baby. This isn’t DH fault.
2. This isn’t his fault. If you wanted photos you should have got them.
3. This is a massive issue and the fact you’ve buried after this makes we worry about what else you think isn’t a big deal.

both my DM and DMIL have recently passed. We had pics of them both there as grandparents to my DS. I found out after the event that DP and DFIL had taken some nice pics of them with DS and DMIL but didn’t think to take any of DS with my DM nor put it on my radar that I may want to do the same. I didn’t think of it at the time in all honesty because things were busy as they are when you are hosting anything but now feel a horrible guilt that my DM was a poor side event whereas DMIL had a lovely fuss made of her and the photos are always there for my DS to see, and do not include my DM.

I don't understand this?? What were people making a fuss of? A photo of your MIL?

1 and 2 are not his fault your being unreasonable there.

Part three where he in front of others passes comment on your many failed engagements was inappropriate.

Nobody left because your sil was holding baby they left before they where over the party part.

It would take huge steps of change for me to want to marry dp your place right now. Why did the other engagements fail? Is there a pattern of you picking arsehole men or a pattern of you blaming them for things that are not them such as point 1 and 2.

God people can be so mean on here.

@ConfusedChix , you are grieving and have a young baby. Two life events designed to push you close to the edge. I agree with the pp who suggested making an album of photos and mementoes of your dm.

With regards to mean comments I’d be avoiding this kind of gathering until your partner can grow up and learn that real men support their partners in public.

If being engaged feels cringe then forget it. It’s pretty meaningless unless you are actively planning a wedding. Discuss like adults what you both want and go from there.

Now dry your eyes and go and squish your lovely baby.

YABU for all except your last point.
The first two are down to you not being assertive on the day.
Point 3 would have me considering adding him to the list of failed engagements.

Points 1 and 2 sound like a grief reaction to me. I'm sorry for your loss please be kind to yourself.
Point 3 only you know his true Intentions. Was it an ill thought out joke? or is he a horrible person undermining you, its hard for us to know.

If your DP is a mean drunk, he needs to stop drinking completely. Don’t marry this man or have any more children with him.

The whole thing is about you and your DP. The entire reason you had a big party is so you can get all dressed up and invite your friends and family. That is nothing to do with your DS.

I’m very sorry you are so sad about this. I can’t imagine a mother allowing a SiL to high jack her child at a christening.

maybe focus about how you could handle that differently in future. Do you struggle to assert yourself in other areas of your life ? Get that sorted and life will get much more enjoyable for you.

I have a feeling engagement No 5 is going to
go the same road as engagements 1,2,3
and 4.

It’s got to sting a bit being someone’s fifth fiancé though.

Can I just say something, OP:

You don't have to marry him. You don't even need to stay with him. It's okay to say it's not what you want and call it quits.

People-pleasing is awful because it often leads to doing what you think other people want even when it goes against your own instincts. My friend got married because she got swept away in what she thought everyone expected and was always just jumping to the next step and the next, following the pattern rather than following what she actually wanted to do. She was always "I can't call off the engagement, there's a party planned and people will be upset" and "I've got to go through with the wedding, it's all booked" and so on. It was always about anticipating other people's thoughts and reactions. Twenty years later and she was miserable, sacked it all off, and is much happier now.

Admittedly, I know nothing about the inner workings of your relationship but there is nothing in your posts that indicates a depth of feeling for him or even an enjoyment of spending time with him and time with his family. It seems to be you and your DS as one unit within the relationship and then him and his family are a seperate unit but you view him as belonging entirely to them rather than also belonging to you.

Absolutely this.

@ConfusedChix crying for days over this is a massive overreaction. You might want to work on your resilience.

YABU about the first two.

You handed the baby over, and yes he could have gone and got him but so could you. Was he monitoring and aware that his sister had the baby for a while? And I doubt your friends left because they couldn’t get a look in with the baby.

Im sorry about your mum, but I’m not sure how the fact there’s no pictures of her with your son from that day is his fault. You seem cross that he “made a fuss” over his mum but didn’t remind you to do the same? Kindly, I think you are cross at yourself, and understandably grieving, and putting it on him.

His comments sound horrible though. Has he even attempted to apologise?

1. YABU
2. YABU
3. YANBU - does he have form for making these types of comment?