To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

@OldLobster read back your thread title - you already know the answer

You told him you wanted a few nights a week to yourself and yet he is staying every night and all weekend?! How does that work?

I'm also curious when you see friends? Do your own hobbies? Have some space??

I think you need to end things completely as he's clearly quite happy to stomp all over your boundaries, and you're unable to push back.

Even without the domestic stuff and the money stuff he's a knob. Just throw him back op.

Or tell him going forward you each keep your own places and split the time with nights at each house and nights to yourself and watch him unravel.

This relationship has 🚩🚩🚩 all over it.

I'd say "I've thought about your response to my proposal to rent somewhere for 3 months. Ive decided I no longer want to go ahead with that now and I'd like you to find somewhere else to stay, by the end of next week please."

If he doesn't put his share of the house sale into bricks and mortar,he'll be taxed on it.

Just cut your losses, he wants everything with bells on and for you to be grateful for the £400. He is not the prize he thinks he is. Enjoy your life, finish this chapter and move on to a more settled and peaceful home and life. He's the cheapskate

He will have a decent amount of money he can use as a deposit for a flat, either to rent or to buy. If he thinks £400 a month will cover the cost of someone sharing then he is perfectly at liberty to sign up for a two bed property and take in a lodger to see how that pans out financially.

Please don't blame yourself. You've been boiled slowly in the pot like the frog, to the point where desperate solutions seem reasonable.

“I just wanted to speak about our living arrangements again. Just to be clear you want to contribute £400 in total to my mortgage, gas, electric, council tax, water, internet, home insurance and tv licence while I pay at least triple that, and you think that’s reasonable and fair because I will be £100 up?”. Then sit and stare at him blankly while he answers. Then respond to whatever garbage he spouts with “That isn’t going to work for me. Do you need help packing your stuff?”.

He hasn't respected anything you've asked for, and so on that basis I would say no. First off I'd enforce that boundary of no more than 3 nights, and start getting him to pull his weight.

TBH anyone who would be comfortable with how he's treated you so far isn't a keeper.

I really can see why his exwife has offloaded him to the garden annex. It's not as if the cheapskate would ever feel it reasonable for him to go somewhere and rent.

How does that famous quote go…”when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” For me, personally, it would be a no. He’s very calculating and seems happy to freeload off you with reluctance to contribute, to me that’s a red flag. My husband has never ever counted pennies with me, even when we were dating, I knew he wanted to be with me for me and not for any financial benefits or that he counted who owes what when..a tight fisted man to be in extremely unattractive and will only rear its ugly head in future.

Put some questions out when the house sale has gone through.
You now need to start looking for a property now the house is sold.
You should start looking now before Christmas then you'll be ready.
Have your questioning answers ready, act dumb and say Oh I thought you were only wanting to stay here while you sort your own place out?

The more you post, the worse it all is.

I'm sorry but this really is not the man for you. Actually I don't think he is the man for anybody to be honest.

Doing a bit of cooking and offering to do some cleaning is just laughable.
The £400, moving in by stealth even though you stated clearly you only wanted 3 days a week. His last comments.

No just no.

From lastest update it doesn't sound like you let him clean. Why couldn't he get cleaning stuff from your bedroom. Surely he sleeps there

Sheesh. In a nutshell, I'd be throwing this one back and spending the money saved on counselling to deal with the abandonment and conflict issues.

If you're only a couple of years in and it's already this hard, that alone speaks volumes. He's a tight arse and won't worry about bleeding you dry. Think of your long term future, do you want to live in penury?

Right then, so he's paid his way at his Exs to preserve his relationship with his DD, but he's now just another divorced man whose bitter about his marriage ending and his Ex wife getting her legal share of the family money. He couldn't make it clearer that he has no intention of having a financially equal relationship with you Op. I'm afraid making allowances for him isn't in your own interests @OldLobster , any man who thinks it's OK for him to have a six figure sum in the bank while you have £100 a month left after paying all your bills isn't a man you can make a fair life with- time he was gone

I was on the fence until I read this.
I think kthe response should have been, and seemingly from this conversation so do some men. I am not taking on a dependent who refuses to meet their own costs and expects me to subsidise them.

Fucking chancer.

Get rid... that conversation seems to have shown his motive. So interested in ensuring no one's taking advantage of him whilst he takes the absolute P himself

Honestly, get him to get his own place, you can then rock up whenever you want and have long hot baths whilst switching all the lights on. He sounds a)tight/CF and b) not sure why you'd trial moving in together when you dislike having him over more that 3 nights. I'd go with a "dating" model, where you each have your own place, own responsibilities and spend quality fun time together at one another's houses alternately. Sounds much more fun than fighting over the dishwasher and emptying the bins.

Where's the law that says you've got to let some fucking man move in with you just because he fancies it? Well there isn't one, you can enjoy a relationship without ever living together. Having a man hanging around your personal space all the time must be fucking awful, putting up with their farting and stinky shit smells in the toilet. No way, enjoy a shag and kick them out the door with a cheery 'goodbye, see you next week '
Never let a man think you owe them somewhere to live

Thhng is, he hasn’t respected your boundaries right from the start, and as you know, you’ve not helped yourself by not enforcing them, again right from the start. A dodgy foundation from which to start a relationship. And very hard to row back from.

That said, if you really want to stay in the relationship, I’d not let him move in and insist he gets his own place. Then, you could test what it’s like spending time at his. No need to rush, and it’s perfectly fine if you decide you don’t want to permanently both be under the same roof.

For me, the lack of willingness to pay his own way combined with the way he’s ridden roughshod over your boundaries would be putting me off moving in together anywhere!

Yes maybe you have been lucky until now
in my experience these cock lodger types of men sniff out kind and generous natures.
And then they drain the life out of you and your bank Account and you have no idea how they have made you feel like they are these Kings who deserve everything you have to give

I don't even think he paid voluntarily to support his DD...it was part of the divorce agreement and they had a (very small mortgage to equity) so if he'd not paid his share of that I think it could have jepodised his getting 50 PC of the house sale.

I don't even think he paid voluntarily to support his DD...it was part of the divorce agreement and they had a (very small mortgage to equity) so if he'd not paid his share of that I think it could have jepodised his getting 50 PC of the house sale.

The more I see these posts re men I think there’s absolutely not a chance in hell I will ever entertain a man! He wants a mother clearly. He’s not respecting you at all and I bet he’ll be a nightmare to live with re bills/money and general responsibility. Ask yourself is the company really worth all this ag?