To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

At this point you insist he rent his own place. If nothing else it will give him an actual clear idea of how damn expensive it is to run your own house. Once he’s paying rent, council tax, insurances, heating, food, Sky, telephone bill, etc etc I would really like to see how far he thinks £400 will get him! He is damn rude, tight and miserable to be honest. Does he buy any of the food when he’s at yours or is this all part of your hosting too? He needs to seriously grow up and split everything half way but not until he's lived on his own again and realises how good he’s had it first.

Agree 100%. OP. He’s the epitome of a cheeky fucker cocklodger

Stay strong and remember the excellent advice given by PPs

Fuck him off, STAT

💐

So his intention is to just cover your costs of having him live with you and bank the rest of the money he’ll be saving every month for himself. He’s claiming that it’s fair that you’ll be no worse off while he is significantly better off with this arrangement. This is the sort of thing parents might do for adult children to help them to save, not for partners in a supposedly equal relationship.

Have you dumped him yet?

This. He wants a nice full furnished and cared for home, all mod cons with no commitments for £400 a month.

😂😂😂

Tell him to take a hike. He's stressing you out and making you miserable. Your answer is No.

Don't make any more excuses for him. Tell him he needs to get his own place and then you can take turns visiting each other. Equal turns...

There's absolutely no need to move in together, you're perfectly happy where you are on your own. Don't fuck your life up (any longer...).

from what you have said it doesn’t seem like this could work, his being out an uneasy feeling in you regarding money that’s not the right vibes you should be feeling from
a partner. Also don’t be embarrassed to talk about money you’re sharing your bed with this man for goodness sake all should be open to be talked about

OP. Is his current house with ex on the market?
Has he sold it yet?
When do they have to leave the property?

You need to decide what you want to do about this relationship before he's has to vacate his current property, or he will say... but I'm homeless... you led me to believe we would be living together while I find a new place.. boo hoo.

and you will be stuck with him whether you want it or not.

What makes people turn out this way?
From little bits and bobs he's dropped into conversation he took advantage of his wife financially too.. despite the fact he always had a job.

@OldLobster Brilliant, so he only paid his share so he'd get half the house value. So my question is simple - knowing all this, why are you trying SO hard to find some virtue in the man Op? You need to have a break where you can think clearly about what YOU want, he's around you too much for you to think about this properly. One thing I do know, if you let him move in on his terms you'll never get rid of him, not without a bloody fight anyway

I don't like any of this. He's not a partner, why you are calling him this, you don't approve of him and he wants what you have for free

Has he ever lived by himself? I bet he went from living with his mum, to girlfriend, to a wife. It would be good for him to live my himself!

It's not too late to say you don't want him to move in permanently. His house hasn't sold yet, so he's still got time to find a rental or even buy his own house.
He really needs time to stand on his own two feet, give himself and you space.
I had a b/f move in during Covid (for the bubble) but as soon as it was over I told him I wanted to go back to at most, every other night. He was most upset and said it was going backwards. Yeah, he was happy for me to 'host' all the time.
We split for other reasons but it taught me a lesson, I'm just not cut out to live with anyone now. I'm older, wiser and less tolerant.
If he walks OP, you might be more relieved than upset.

What an absolutely ghastly little man.

He is a tight arse loser.

Some men are just entitled arseholes, I wouldn't overthink it
My last long term relationship, he lived with me, paid me £650 a month despite earning more than me. It was my house. I would cook and clean, buy his clothes and food out of the money he gave me. When he ended the relationship I felt relieved, he left eventually (I had to practically deliver him back to his mother's. A few weeks later he realised that he had a cushy deal. I would not let him return. I had more money after he left because I wasn't subsidising a man child. He bought everything he wanted while I sacrificed my wants to pay for his needs
On the flip side my current relationship, he has his house I have mine. He is a competent adults, it's wonderful. We split costs when we go on holiday/meals out. I wouldn't mind living with him in the future. But if I met someone like my ex I would run for the hills

Tell him you’re knackered from 18 months of hosting and you don’t want him in your house anymore. You need your own space back. You’ll be happy to stay with him at his new place.

Hes a freeloading ponce who thinks he’s owed a lifestyle and he’ll use anyone to bankroll that lifestyle.

Please OP this man has zero respect for women - he sees you as a nurse with a purse to support him financially and emotionally plus added sex on demand as he gets older.

You really need a plan to extract him from your home and your life

Sorry but he reckons that giving you £400 is enough? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? 😳😳😳
So he is basically like a lodger who rents a room, but gets frills thrown in?
So a nosh and a coffee? 😬
So you pay the bulk of the bills, and he gets all the free frills? Er nooooo. 👎 👎 👎
He's supposed to be your fella, which is a partnership! What a cheeky using twat.

Me and my brother paid a hefty contribution when we stayed in our family home during uni, to my mum (it was called paying 'keep' money) and we were grateful to her for it. He's offering to pay the same rate! 🙈

HE IS TAKING THE PISS.
COMPUTER SAYS NO.
Tell him to get his own place or he can jog on!
What a fucking cows melt he is 🙄

Edited to say ... his willy isn't worth it queen. Get rid!

The sad thing about this is I'll be overly guarded in future. If I get the chance (highly debatable so I don't even know why I'm pondering this) I'm not sure whether I'd entertain dating anyone who seemed like they might benefit from the fact I have my own home (large mortgage aside).I've never looked at a mam amd rated him on his earnings.

Some people are just fundamentally selfish. From what I’ve seen they believe it’s normal and that everyone is like them. They just think that everyone is out for themselves and that’s the way the world works. And seem quite surprised if other people act selflessly, and think that they must be stupid for doing so. These people are in the minority thankfully, but I have known quite a few of them now and have learned to spot them and keep my distance. I think people are in a hurry to call narcissism sometimes, but it’s like a very diluted version if that makes sense. Not necessarily nasty or manipulative, just getting what they can without stopping to think about the needs of others. It’s like the kid who piles far more than their share onto their plate at a party before the other kids have a chance. It doesn’t occur to them to think about the other kids, they just take it for themselves.

You've got the measure of him now though, so what are you going to do about it?

Just be prepared for him to make no arrangements whatsoever for somewhere to live and expect you to just accommodate him at no notice. He’ll claim it’s short term, but once he’s in the door he’ll never leave. Please don’t let him do that.

OMG this gets worse with every post… And he actually said…

… that a lot of women expected to be 'kept'...and told me to go and find some rich man if that's what i wanted.

Please tell him you’re going to end it with him!

The remark about women wanting to be 'kept' and to find a rich man if that's what you want is pure projection.. he wants to be a cocklodger, paying you a stingy bare minimum and letting his own cash mount up in the bank.

No, no, no. He sounds like he brings very little to the relationship apart from entitlement and expectations

The fact he was content to live in his ex -wife's shed, rather than set himself up independently says it all.

Tight get.

You deserve better. Don't compromise your independence and your safe space for this loser.

I once had a man like this, except he thought work was beneath him. He was constantly angling to move in with me and live off my salary. He used to even steal food out of my fridge to take home with him, to save money. He went the same way yours should go.

I think I'd be sacking this off to be honest. My DH is hugely generous and I couldn't be with a man who seems so mean with money. Also, how well do you know his daughter, what happens when she wants to come spend the night at her dad's?

You don't have to rate someone on their earnings. Judge them on their attitude, character and actions. A man doesn't need to earn more than you to be worthy but this man sounds misogynistic, rude, entitled and seems to think you should be eternally grateful for his pathetic contribution. He could be earning £1m it wouldn't make him a good man

In regards to his situation,ref house etc,he wouldn't have been able to sell whilst daughter was still in full time education, is the house actually being sold now that the daughter has left home. Did you ask him his plans or did he take it for granted that he would be moving in with you? That's where my problem lies ,men who can't seem to live on their own and find themselves,just go from one not Cocklodgers,I call them looking for nurses,you know what I mean. Do you know how long he was married and why they split up.
Do you miss him when he's not there ,or do you get your breath back.Have you gone on holidays together,or dates,does he pay,does he treat you to the holidays or breaks away,how does he contribute to make you feel good.