To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

Banging on again. If you want some clarity about what he’s doing, and why you are accepting it do the Freedom Programme. It will be helpful going forward, hopefully in a new relationship with a decent man.

Why are you still focussing on the ins and outs of this. With each new post he comes across worse than before. He is a complete using chancer, why in God’s name not just end it now rather than worrying about how to do things you don’t really want to. You must see he is a manipulative controller who has backed you into a corner? You’ve been subsidising him financially as he does it. Also believe not a word he says about his XW and what she may or may not have said. That’s part of the manipulation.

You’re giving him, his wants and needs all your headspace. Get him out of there, and out of your life. I guarantee within weeks you’ll start to see things as they actually are and we’re.

Do you still want to attempt to live with this man, even in a shared rental? He really doesn’t sound very nice. The fact that you say you’re nervous about raising certain issues with him is very worrying. It sounds like he tramples all over your boundaries and gets nasty if you object.

Where do you see yourself this time next year? Do you want to still be with him? And if so what would that look like. I get the impression you’re starting to feel like you want out, but are still going to go along with whatever he wants rather than incur his displeasure.

Has he been staying at yours since you started this thread? What have you said to him?

Every single post of yours paints him in a worse light.
Genuinely, I’ve got the ick big time on your behalf.

Please, channel your inner woman and get rid of this odious greedy man.
You are worth so much more than he is willing to give.

*edited for spelling.

He pays 50/50 when you are out - how big of him. This is not a plus OP, can you not see how he’s warped your mind? These men are so clever, he’s also got you afraid to comment on his behaviour because of how he feels about his background ffs.
I’ve been in a really similar situation and honestly it’s not till you are out of it that you can see clearly.
Being with a tight, selfish man will take the joy out of your life, your home and eventually you.

He already dominates and intimidates you.
You are already nervous of him and feel unable to speak up in your own home. Imagine how much worse he's going to get when you're trapped because you have purchased a property with him and he's there all the time, keeping up the constant pressure on you.
Please don't live with him🙏🏻💗

Ok well what are you going to do now?

He has actually moved in with you!! You need to act really quickly because he is selling his house soon and you will find it harder to put this right

Just to underline with red pen: he has moved in already, and you did not want him to

@OldLobster you seem to be scared of any action because you are worried about his response
Could you create a situation to give you some breathing space
Have you got a close friend? Could you ask them to stay for a week or so.
Janice has fallen out with her husband/ mother/landlord doing renovations and she can't stay at her house for a while, Janice asked to move in for a little while, sorry dp but you won't be able to come round for a while until her situation is sorted. It would give you some time and space to think about what you want and how you feel. Janice being over for a week may help you feel less scared about his reaction. If he pops over, you can say 'I'm terribly sorry dp, Janice is in her pjs/upset' I'll see you another time, maybe let me know when you're free and we can meet at Starbucks '

He already dominates and intimidates you.

This is how it feels - with him taking offence, saying you're like his ex-wife, when you deign to question him on things that he doesn't want to deal with. It feels like he's training you to ignore your gut and turn that generous nature into fear and meekness. This goes beyond the money matters and is a power imbalance, which really doesn't bode well for living together in your house or any house.

Also bear in mind that (because you're not yet trapped) he will be on his best behavior, some part of his real self is being suppressed because he won't want to scare you off until he can seal the deal.

Also if he says why can't she say elsewhere, you answer with , she hasn't got anyone else family or friends and no money for anywhere else, she would be homeless, I can't leave my friend in that position. Make it out to be an emergency, text him while he as work, so you don't have to build the courage to say it face to face. Y
You need space from this man to get your head screwed back in place and work out what you want

'From little bits and bobs he's dropped into conversation he took advantage of his wife financially'
The expression 'when a man tells you who he is, listen' springs to mind.

Well, he's got baggage, that's for sure. If you really want to try with him I'd suggest sitting down with him and going through all the figures and agreeing what you are both going to pay for, particularly if you dont want to sell for 18 months and dont want to give him any share or claim on the house. Never be embarrassed talking about money. Also explain how you've been treating him as a guest and what would need to change. Personally the just coming 7 nights a week regardless would really put me off but only you can say if it really was because you weren't clear enough about it. But you've made so many accommodations to him and what he wants without any offers, thought or consideration from him that seems unlikely.

"He pays for half the meals, drinks etc we have on holiday or days out tbf."

He exploits you the rest of the time.. so paying his share of meals, and drinks away from the home is A MINIMUM REQUIREMENT and not a BONUS. It's also performative like buying drinks for strangers.. because he's doing it in public and can say "Oh but I paid my share of our last meal out" . Plus he wouldn't want you raising that in public setting where he knows he wouldn't look good if he tried to say "Oh that's the sort of mean thing my ex would say when we went out for a meal." if you asked him to pay his share. why isn't he paying for your meal giving that he's essentially living with you at your expense for NADA.

This is minimum spending for maximum brownie points and he can afford to do that as you are subsidising him the rest of the time! so there's no TBF in question.

Sorry for capitals OP... i'm capitalising him, not you!

Anyway OP.. it does sound like you know he needs to go but are worried about telling him as he wins all the arguments by insulting you and implying that you.. an extremely generous person, are lacking in generosity, tight and manipulative... which is rich as all those adjectives describe his own behaviour.

So have you any ideas of how you might tell him, effectively so that he actually listens?

I still think your plan of going away somewhere to think, without him buzzing around all the time is a good one.. and if you are not at your place, neither will he be. It will break the cycle.

Maybe the MN Hive mind will have some suggestions of how to tell him you want your own space back... if you want them that is.

AMAZON FILM PURCHAES
Also. WTF is that about him watching paid for films on your Amazon account? That costs anything between £3.50 and sometimes up to £14 per film???? Sorry but that is so bloody entitled and I'm guessing that you didn't do this before he came along.
You should check your amazon account and it will be there in black and white exactly how much he's cost you in film purchases.
Add it to the spread sheet of extra costs.
I'm also concerned that he may have access to your amazon account through this and you should change the password etc.

So he thinks he should get an easy ride because your bills don't increase that much?

You should both benefit from the lower costs of living together. It's always less than two single households but that makes you a gold digger? No OP, that makes him the gold digger.

He's trying to guilt you with the 'kept woman' nonsense. This is a very easy option for him and he's going all out to secure it. You don't owe him just because he had his other house and shed to pay for. Not your problem or debt to refund.

Please, please don't do this. He doesn't love you the way he should. Look at how he responds when you sensibly question his £400 offering. You've let him walk all over you and I'm scared you're going to let this happen as well. Hr's pushing you because he thinks he can get you to agree to this.

Don't rent a house over the winter. What's the point? He only has to behave himself for a couple of months to trick you into this. Or you have another problem at the end of the rental if it doesn't work out but now he has nowhere to live and has to stay with you ''temporarily'' until he finds somewhere.

He's clear about his intentions OP. Crystal fecking clear. You know this, that's why you're here ❤

Unfortunately this poster has spoke the truth. Personally I think you should get rid of this cock lodger asap. The more you explain the relationship the more red flags we all see. I just wish you could see them too

Great post @BySassyGreenPanda

If you’re not willing to end the relationship OP, I would immediately cut down the days he stays with you and tell him he can only stay 2 nights a week from now on

She tried that and discovered he pays no attention to what she says.

Do you have people nearby @OldLobster? Friends, family? You're coming across as being isolated.

"I never had this stupid hostess disorder when living with previous partners!"

That's because you don't need to be, with normal people. Unfortunately, you've landed yourself a parasite who is also a selfish, sneaky, morally empty opportunist (e.g. the £10 note supermarket incident).

Don't feel bad about this, OP – you're doing well. I put up with one like this for 6 fucking years until he had completely ground me into the ground! It is good that you're opening your eyes and being wary. Quite bloody right too.

However "good" a % of this relationship might be, you really can't win with someone like this. It's like trying to have a loving romance with a crocodile. We can all see his salivating jaws closing around your innocent sweet neck!

Best bet is to dump him, or actually, come to think of it, kill him if possible so that he can't go on to mess up other women's lives.

This. Ditch him.

What is stopping you from breaking up with him?

I'm one update away from asking where you are so I can come over and extract this cocklodger from your home myself.

You should collect all his stuff together and get him gone. It will never change. He's shown how little he respects you. He's a bully and he'll take you for everything he can.

None of this is behaviour that indicates he loves you. He doesn't. He really doesn't OP. He's using you. He thinks he is owed something and you are settling the bill.

Cocklodger fuckery is on the rise.

He sees himself as a victim and thinks everyone should be making it up to him by giving him everything he wants

This. He is turning nasty as soon as you say anything he dislikes.

So many great posts on this thread - there is such a powerful collective voice here recognising that his behaviour reveals him to be someone who is not going to get better but very likely to get worse. I can't remember when I wanted to rescue someone on MN more.

You seem like a kind and genuine person who deserves SO much better. Please seek help from friends or relatives if you think he will turn nasty once you ask him to leave. Or seek advice from Women's Aid on how to exit him while protecting yourself.

The Freedom Programme could be really helpful in helping to spot red flags quickly and avoid people who might hurt or exploit you.

His financial situation:

50% of house equity in the bank
Full time wage + pension
Zero child maintenance costs (now his daughter in uni)
Zero housing costs, bar the odd contibution to your bills

Your financial situation:

Substantial mortgage responsibility, likely below 40% equity
Full time wage + pension
Substantial bills of council tax, utilities

His offer of 400 a month might cover half the council tax and utilities and he may not wish to cover half the mortgage since you are the owner and he would not benefit from part paying your mortgage. You could/should ask for 500 to 600 and also not marry him, to protect your main asset.

I recommend a sit down and proper cards on table discussion about the future. You are entitled to that. My worry would be that he lives the life of riley off the proceeds of the sale of his house, possibly even gives up work, then you are stuck with him as a dependent.

When he’s at yours, does he ever offer to cook for you or wash up? What are your ages and do you have children?