To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

OP - as hard as you feel this is for you to do, you really have to stand up for yourself here and stop being a passenger in your own life.

He's taking absolute advantage of you being a pushover - he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Please sort this out now before he sells his house otherwise you’ll be even more trapped into housing this freeloader and bankrolling his lifestyle.

Weirdly I don't think it's the 400 pound thats the issue. If we'd lived apart for the last few years and he'd been staying over just a few nights a week as I originally requested and we'd got to the point of his house sale, I don't think I would have proposed much more...even if saintly, I wouldn't have wanted anyone to pay towards my mortgage at this point so I would probably have proposed maybe 550, I'm not sure. It's not the money.

Why are you tolerating all of this? Why not just break up with this leech? Is it desperation for companionship? Fear of his reaction? What?

GET RID OF HIM TODAY.
He will drag this out like a root canal and it will not end well.
He will want his own way.
He's doing you a massive favour don't you know? By giving you £400, isn't he just the best, as it doesn't impact you at all, you would still have to pay the bills if he wasnt there and he just pays the extra that he uses. YUK YUK YUK. 🤢
That is like a teenage son paying keep, hes a man child who wants a honey with money.
NOPE! 🤢
Do you still want a relationship with this man, despite all this? Is his willy worth it?
He is a leech and this is all benefitting him and not you.
I personally would be calling reinforcements around and dropping his stuff off with the ex wife in their garden shed.

He already thinks he's living with you on terms that are acceptable to you - and to be honest you haven't worked very hard to let him know he's wrong about that, so perhaps it's not really surprising.

I think you're going to have to end the relationship to get rid of him OP. Anything more subtle is not likely to get the massage across, is it?

Anyway if you withdraw bed, roof, cushty number generally, he will probably think the relationship is over anyway.

At the very least make it clear that he is not staying over any more. He will probably be surprised and will doubtless accuse you of all sorts of cruelty. So you will have to be VERY clear indeed. And you have to do it soon as pps have said,so he has somewhere else to go when his house is sold.

DO NOT WAVER.

If there is actually a relationship there beyond sponger and spongee, it will survive him moving out. But honestly I doubt if there is.

It is sort of about that though.

If you only wanted to charge him even £100 a month, that’s your decision to be kind and generous.

The fact that he thinks paying you a paltry £400 is reasonable speaks volumes. It’s just a further example of him exploiting your home and your generosity. He’s trying to pay as little as he can - that’s not a partnership.

The fact that he hasn’t offered to pay a fair amount is the issue. The fact that you would have been generous is irrelevant here. He should have offered - and once more, he hasn’t. Do you want a lifetime of trying to force him to pay his way? 😕

I missed if you answered this question but what’s he like on holidays? Who’s paying for all the coffees and drinks, the meals?

So what will you do?

I'm imagine even if he agreed to pay £550 you still wouldn't be comfortable with him moving in now. You need to ask yourself why?
The answer is probably the fact he has been strong arming you into doing something you don't want out of guilt and using your generous behaviour against you. He has crossed your boundaries only caring for his wants and not yours. He won't compromise on anything but expects you to sacrifice and be happy about it.
You need to tell him to rent his own place for a while and then you can review your living situation together in the future.
If he rents his own place then you have the opportunity to discuss what the financial agreement would be if you were to purchase a house together, to agree on property equity split, to agree on how to split the bills.
At the moment he's trying to force himself into your house and make you feel uncomfortable about saying no to him while he dictates all the terms.
You need to be clear with him that he needs to rent his own space and this needs to be sorted before the house exchange is complete for his house otherwise he will guilt trip you into staying with you forever against your will ( it will start where he says it will only be temporary until he finds somewhere and then he'll never leave, trust me)
It is awkward to say no now, but it will be awfully hard for you to kick him out when he has a key and his stuff is in your house and you feel like you'd be mean to kick him out. You need to say no, now

I understand how this has happened. He's pushed himself, bit by bit, into your house and life and each little step sounds reasonable so you felt it would be churlish to object. He's been very clever! But now you see the overall picture for what it is - he's moved himself in for the small price of paying the difference in the bills (i.e. not paying half, not pulling his weight, not considering your feelings). You need to think about what you want in the future. Do you want a relationship with him, to live together or separately? Uncomfortable though it may be, if you want things to change you will have to tell him clearly and make sure you stand your ground. Get a friend to help if need be.

He's lowballing you by offering to pay £400 towards bills, so you'll think it's 'fair' if he eventually agrees on £500.

The money is to distract you from deciding if you actually want him there or not. He's shown that he doesn't think you get a say in that.

I wonder how many thousand he'd be saving each month while you paid for his accomodation.

He pays for half the meals, drinks etc we have on holiday or days out tbf.

This man is walking all over you op.
I think part of the reason that you're on the back foot is that you don't have a blueprint in your mind that might help you understand this type of personality. I think you're someone who always plays nice. You treat people well and by default you unquestioningly assume that they will respond in kind.
When they don't respond in kind you think that you have somehow misunderstood what's going on or that if you could only explain things to them in the right way they would treat you as kindly as you are treating them.
He is not like you. He experience is your kindness and generosity, he feels how easy it is to get things from you, he rubs his hands and thinks 'there's plenty more where that came from, I just need to keep pushing and I can live like a king at her expense'.

I personally would never risk living with a man again, if you spend a lot of time with them it's too easy for them to keep up the subtle pressure and end up dominating you completely. Everything becomes focused around what they want and you lose yourself.

He’s living pretty much rent free in your home and he only pays half for all your dates - and you think that's fair??

The very least he should be doing is taking you out and paying for those dates seeing as you’re subsidising his living expenses.

He's really gaslit you OP into doubting what’s fair and what’s not.

This man is taking advantage of your passivity and you’re allowing it

Have you dumped him yet?

I do notice though that when he's in a situation with myself and importantly with others, where costs are split, he very much keeps the score to make sure his own interests are protected.
At risk of outing myself, he told me that once, during an argument, his wife accused him of coming from a lower class of family, which is obviously unkind and ignorant no matter what the circumstances...however when I first brought up the matter of bills increasing and he pushed back and i didnt seem to be getting anywhere, I clumsily tried to back up my point by referencing that I'd not stay longterm with a friend without treating them to something or helping out some how...I didn't say it in an accusatory way I thought at the time he just didn't understand the concept so was groping around for examples to illustrate my point..he accused me of, like his ex-wife, inferring he hadn't had a decent upbringing..which I would never do.

If you were living in his house for £400pm, I'm guessing you'd be treating him by paying for the full holiday as a way of thanks
You're basically paying for all his needs and he's paying 50% towards some of the wants, can you see how that is unfair

That's not a plus point, that's the usual thing people do.

Just to add, I’d be careful if he’s living with you and contributing to costs as I understand he might be able to make a claim on your property if you split up!

Genuine question, why do you want to stay with him @OldLobster?

So he's twisted everything you're saying that is quite reasonable to make out like you're criticising him and his family.
Do you not think, he probably did the same to his wife and that his criticisms of her are also probably nonsense.

I imagine the conversation with the wife was probably on the lines of her asking him to pick up a bottle of wine, to take with them to friends/family meal. He's kicked off and said he's not spending his money on that, they can fork out for the drinks at their own house. She then says 'i was always raised to bring a contribution when invited to someone's house for meal/party" he then flies off the handle to twist that into she reckons she was raised properly and making out my family to be scum.

He sees himself as a victim and thinks everyone should be making it up to him by giving him everything he wants

You are being financially abused by a selfish, tight, cocklodger.
He is taking advantage of the fact that you are a decent kind person who doesn't like confrontation.
All these posters can see this very clearly, but you are wearing rose tinted glasses.
Take them off. Finish this relationship. He is slyly manipulating you, to his benefit. How much can he care for you, treating you like this?

He sees himself as a victim and thinks everyone should be making it up to him by giving him everything he wants
I think this from @Juniperberry55 encapsulates the situation very well!

Thats a very good way of putting it and has helped me get some clarity.

Man often find it difficult to tolerate being outdone by women.
They may be attracted to women who out shine them but they soon become resentful and belligerent. Having an inbuilt belief that men are inherently superior to women their impulses drive them to crush and subordinate her so that he can assume his 'rightful' position of superiority over her.