To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

30 years ago I was paying my mum 400 quid a month when I was at college

shared room near me is £800 a month in what was a 3 bedroom semi

i had a cocklodger who moved in by stealth with me, I’ve no idea how. Crunch came when I kept coming home to pots everywhere n the kitchen. He told me he didn’t clean the kitchen because he thought I liked doing it

Wow this has definitely moved fast from the original title. He's been living with you full time for a year and a half by stealth, you need to get him out asap. I had one who wouldn't budge when I told him I wanted to be on my own as I wasn't happy. He made all the excuses he could think of to stay. Gave him a date. But.. but.. but.. I had already packed his stuff, not the most graceful thing to do but I just grabbed all his stuff and and threw them on the street. Total parasite,

Why is his tightfisted behaviour making you feel tight?

I cannot believe you have subsidised this financially solvent grown man for 18 months, and been his wife and mummy to this degree 7 nights a week. Of course he wants this arrangement to carry on.

The bit where you move out to a shared rental for 2-3 months is a pipedream. It's not you 'having a boundary.' How on earth do you imagine he will magically change his ingrown selfish patterns in a rental when he doesn't even cough up for his own coffee pods, and he would rather pay you a peppercorn rent?

He needs to buy a place for himself, then you can try and see how it is. But in the interim, he should stay in his own garden annex 5 nights a week at least.

Ah OP, you are paying for a boyfriend.
Really sad that your self esteem is so low that you would think this is normal or acceptable.

It's really not.
He's a total user who thinks you are desperate for him.

How can you find someone who has lived off you and is clearly using you, attractive?

Where is your self worth?
You deserve so much better that this.
Sad thread.

AAAAAGH, with each update, OP, it gets worse! He's a stingy, selfish, self-obsessed, gaslighting, nasty, immature user and a-hole. Read back your updates and tell me what you'd say to the woman who wrote them? Even if you moved, he would not change. Don't sell your home, whatever you do. Keep the house, ditch the man.

OP
He still has baths here…..but the bills increased mainly due to whacking the heating up, going through all the logs l'd stockpiled for winter in a month, dishwasher on twice a day sometimes, using food of mine for breakfast and incidental things l'd usually save for a treat, films on amazon prime, 40 pounds alone a month in coffee pods when l'd spend 10....it sounds penny pinching but quickly mounted up to.a couple of hundred pounds. If I reacted he'd say 'well, we're not students on the breadline ' making me feel tight.
He's stayed 7 nights a week for the last 18 months.

It’s not suprising there are so many selfish, cocklodger men out there when some women make it so easy for them. OP, it’s up to you what you want to do but I don’t understand why you would let him take advantage of you for so long. Like another poster has suggested it’s like you are paying him to be your boyfriend.

I bet when you bring all this up with him the end result is that you feel ‘bad’ and he just gets annoyed with you. I bet he doesn’t offer you any money to cover some of the cost of him living with you and even if he did I bet you wouldn’t accept it because you would hate this man to think you are ‘tight’

By the way have you been getting a single person discount for your council tax for the last 18 months? You should sort that out with the council and get him to pay the difference.

OP
He still has baths here…..but the bills increased mainly due to whacking the heating up, going through all the logs l'd stockpiled for winter in a month, dishwasher on twice a day sometimes, using food of mine for breakfast and incidental things l'd usually save for a treat, films on amazon prime, 40 pounds alone a month in coffee pods when l'd spend 10....it sounds penny pinching but quickly mounted up to.a couple of hundred pounds. If I reacted he'd say 'well, we're not students on the breadline ' making me feel tight.
He's stayed 7 nights a week for the last 18 months.

It’s not suprising there are so many selfish, cocklodger men out there when some women make it so easy for them. OP, it’s up to you what you want to do but I don’t understand why you would let him take advantage of you for so long. Like another poster has suggested it’s like you are paying him to be your boyfriend.

I bet when you bring all this up with him the end result is that you feel ‘bad’ and he just gets annoyed with you. I bet he doesn’t offer you any money to cover some of the cost of him living with you and even if he did I bet you wouldn’t accept it because you would hate this man to think you are ‘tight’

By the way have you been getting a single person discount for your council tax for the last 18 months? You should sort that out with the council and get him to pay the difference.

Just tell.him he cant come to yours anymore full stop but you are happy to date if he wants to take you out, that youve realised he is living with you without permission and your house isnt big enough and you cant afford the extrA bills food etc. That he needs to sort his life out, you need to ban him from your home immediately but say you can date, if you did ban him i think he would errupt with anger, his wife has probably been trying to get rid of him for years and he hasmt paid rent there so there is no way he will pay rent now..
..i have a boyfriend years ago we dated for a year he asked for a key one night which i gave him and he assumed he had moved in, i ended it then and there

he hasmt paid rent there so there is no way he will pay rent now..

You’re just making stuff up now. OP says: he has still been paying his share of bills on his own property

So the heading of this post is really 'To be alarmed that he moved in and I didn't even notice wtf do I do now?'

I think the clear answer is sell the bed and change the locks. Chalk it all up to experience as a lesson to never let this happen again.

Sod that, it's all a bit too complicated
Finish it and get your space back, your sanity back and your bills lowered

Apologies if I missed it but does the £400 include food as if it does then you will be loosing money. Plus if he is sleeping there 7 days a week, shouldn’t he be on the council tax bill meaning you would lose your discount?

I suspect he is costing you a lot more than£400. Plus he seems to have the holiday mindset of making use of the facilities as someone else is paying the bills

Ask him for a break for a few weeks.. or go on holiday.. lock up and hire your own Airbnb for a few weeks just you, no need to consult or ask permission

This is a great idea. Go somewhere else, close your house, hit reset. I would bet anything, he will ask / demand to stay at your place while you're away from it but do not let him do that under any circumstances, as that's the point. Don't be in contact with him at all during this period. If he tells you you are bad / mean / a terrible person for doing it, however persistent he is, just ignore that and hold firm. Then use the breathing space for you.

So he asked to move in, you said no but he did anyway. Then he 'pushed back' when you asked for a contribution to bills. He's a piece of dirt.

He wants to use you as much as possible so he can save his own money while you provide.

And how would he react if you told him you don't want him to stay overnight anymore, you'd prefer to meet for dates once or twice a week, if you are scared of his reaction he's done a number on you.

Be away for a bit. (Change the locks first.) Family visit, holiday with friends, work trip.

Get him used to you and your home not being at his disposal.

Say no to any suggestion he could house sit (as in move in even further).

Just not be there.

Start having the conversations you're trying not to have.

Do you know his ex? She's probably delighted he appears to be moving on/in. But might she become an ally?

Yes, hilarious as it sounds it was exactly this.
I didn't enable his behaviour because I wanted a partner...I enabled it because I didn't have the balls to verbalise my discomfort with someone outstaying their welcome and when eventually I got the balls to speak up, I was met with defensiveness so then became too nervous to push further.

Morning op.
Do you have a friend or relative who can help get him out?
I'm worried you might be scared of him.
If you do have someone get them round.

I was met with defensiveness so then became too nervous to push further.

Standard technique of abusive men to make sure women shut up and put up. You may need assistance to get him out.

Every update makes this sound worse. It sounds like you’re seeing things more clearly now. Are you going to stop him moving in? Does he have much stuff stored at yours?

When you say ‘too nervous’, OP, what exactly is it you’re nervous of? His reaction? Or him leaving and you ending up alone? I’m struggling to understand the exact dynamic here. Are you scared of losing him, or just scared to tell him to leave?

Because a lot of the things you’ve said make it sound like you’re being held hostage in your own home by a man who’s moved himself in, rent-free, and is now refusing to go, which is horrifying. But at the same time you seem to be almost laughing about it ‘oops, silly old me’, and a bit confused about what’s reasonable behaviour or expectation on your part.

You shouldn’t feel bad for not having the “ideal reaction” to the advice on this thread. It’s easy for us all to be detached and objective, but this is your actual life.

If insisting on a trial period in a neutral space is what you need to be comfortable about making a decision, that’s ok. At least you won’t be living with regrets, and wondering if you pulled the plug too soon.

The more you write, the more it’s evident that he’s taking advantage of you. The offer of £400 is outrageous. I think there’s probably difficulty with your situation is that it’s a drip, drip, drip of things where he’s taken advantage of you or trampled on boundaries. There’s not been any one single big thing - and it can be much harder to see clearly when it’s a buildup of small things as it can feel petty, like the coffee pods example you gave. But when you put it all together, this is a man who is looking to take full advantage of- there’s no indication at all that he is trying to be fair to you.

Don’t you think you deserve a man who’s looking out for your best interests, rather than just himself?

If he manages to organise the rental, you need to be hyper-vigilant for even the slightest red flag. He will be on his best behaviour so don’t dismiss small concerns.

I have to be honest though, for your sake I hope he doesn’t arrange the rental.. I think he’s out to get what he can from you and I worry that he’ll make a short-term effort to hoodwink you into believing that he views you as an equal.

Op when he moves out do you still want to have a relationship with him? Can't you see that he's taking the piss out of you?

Why can't you ask him to leave today?

To clarify, he spent the first three months of staying 7 nights a week without offering me any help or any little token and when I finally mentioned the bills had increased he pushed back, though then gave me the difference, i struggled hard to raise the matter of money..I've never had to before, in this way, with other partners..we might have discussed one of us paying for a holiday because another had covered some household cost, for example, but it was just in the course of normal living as a team and not a matter for conflict.

He has continued, each month to pay the difference in bills without me asking. Now the issue is, when his house sells he has proposed living here and said it will be no different from current arrangement as he's here all the time anyway...he has proposed paying me £400 from the point his house sells.

It's not even the money issue..it's that I feel I've not been afforded any consideration in how this has even happened....I'm not sure I know myself.

It's not even the money issue..it's that I feel I've not been afforded any consideration in how this has even happened....I'm not sure I know myself.

He seems to be railroading you into the decision. If he does move in officially, it will be so much harder for you to get him out. He seems to have little respect for you, only for how you can make his life cheaper and easier.