To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

That’s not a bad thing. You need to protect yourself at the end of the day. Whilst it may not be romantic it’s a fact.

Nope, don't do it. He's mean aka tight. Surely you can see that in as much as he's not happy to pay his share already. It's unlikely to change

Not an attractive trait.

Unless he looks you in the eye and speaks using one sylibul at a time I really don't think he can be telling you more clearly that you're to do as he says.
It's your house he wants to live in.

I'd tell him to rent somewhere on his own for now and you can stop over at his.

There's no way I'd let him even move a carrier bag of his belongings in.

Ha ha! That's not how shared costs and contributions work. Would he use the same argument if he moved into a shared flat? "3 of you already live here, I cost nothing extra on Council Tax, you already pay to heat the property and have the garden done. I'll pay a little towards the cost of my laundry, showers and pay for my own food..." Ridiculous concept!

Apart from your concerns about the finances, it is a major red flag that he has encroached on your boundaries, consistently. If nothing else you need a complete reset to establish these - a reset that has you both in your own places, paying your own bills, and AGREEING how much time you spend together.

It definitely isn't an attractive trait.
What has fuzzled my thinking somewhat, is that he does lots of 'good deeds' in the outside world.. buying drinks for elderly men in pubs, cutting pensioners hedges.
He has a volatile relationship with his DD.. he told me that's because his ex-wife has employed parental.alienation and turned his DD against him.

Yep, although the OP needs to stay put and he needs to be told to run away fast!

But then if they are a nm wage worker, you'll be the breadwinner

FWIW, you sound like a kind & genuine person, and you were acting on affection and good faith by taking care of him, communicating your needs regarding space, and proposing a fair "test" of living together.

I think you have only been hoodwinked by the fact that you are not a CF, and as such you never even thought to approach the situation as a CF would.

Your alarm bells started ringing in time, you were able to recognise and articulate how the situation got to this point, and why you were worried by it. Sometimes even the most switched on and confident among us still need someone to see things from the outside and confirm what we suspected.

Give yourself a pat on the back for listening to your instincts and for seeking advice.

Give yourself another pat on the back for securing your own home.

Give yourself another one for recognising this situation before you found yourself with a CF infestation or found yourself in financial peril.

If you do meet someone nice, there is no reason not to entertain dating them. This time you will just go in better equipped to say "my home is my santuary and I don't intend to share it". People who value you will understand and respect this. 💐

That old chestnut eh 🙄 definitely end it.

This bears repeating.

More likely that his DD knows what a twat her father is and doesn't swallow his BS as easily as others do.

Please get rid, this man is using you.

Funnily enough, I think alarm bells started ringing for me when we were in a supermarket on holiday once. Someone had dropped a ten pound note on the floor..instead of picking it up and looking around for someone who might have dropped it, he scooped it up in one swift movement and put it in his pocket. He didn't need the money. Fair enough, taking it to customer services etc might be over the top for some people (not myself) but he didn't even glance around to see who it might belong to.

This - he can be on his best behaviour for 3 months and then slip back as soon as you’ve been lured into a permanent arrangement.

dont risk it. Stop fretting about what he wants. What do you want? What amount of time would be your preferred amount if it was left up to you and you weren’t squirming away trying to appease him with a compromise?

This is your life. You get to live it the once - really think about the long term here. He’s not going to magically change.

Being more cautious with men who are looking for a free or nearly free ride and live off you and push past your no isn't a bad thing.

You need to learn to recognize red flags in men and how to say no and mean it.

It doesn't matter what good deeds he's doing for others. It's how he treats you that matters.
My ex was always helping other people and showing the world what a great person he was and he treated me like shit.

What exactly is his plan for accommodation when the family home is sold? Surely he's looked for somewhere to rent.... or to buy.... because as soon as the property is sold he'll need somewhere to live.
Or was his plan just to move in with you, whether you liked it or not?

Typical cocklodger behaviour. I mean, yeah, maybe he thought things had progressed with you and it was time to live together and selling the property would have been an ideal time to make such a move but he should have sat down with you and discussed this to see if you were on the same page, to see where you both wanted to live (in your home or in a new place together) and to discuss how this was going to be financed.
But no.... he just starts whining saying women want to be kept and comes up with a solution that's really cheap for him.

He's a hobosexual/cocklodger. I'd bin him off. You don't even sound that fussed about him. I'm not feeling any love or even like for him.
Don't worry about him, hobosexuals always manage to fall in love quickly with someone with their own property and move on in there as soon as their own current living arrangements come to an end.

Tell him asap that he won't be moving in for you so that he can look for his own property before the family home is sold.

Some people are just soooo tight fisted - it’s hard to understand their motivations if you’re not like that yourself.
Especially when you know they don’t need the money.
Buying drinks for a stranger in the pub is all for show.

Hmmm, there'll be some history that you'll never get to the bottom of where his ex is concerned.

He probably is intrinsically a nice guy but can you live with the shortcomings that you're already aware of and that you've already experienced.

Honestly every single one of my divorced friends say they never want to live with a man again .
Date yes and have a relationship but cohabit - absolutely not

He sounds like a real type. This type is all sweetness and light to outsiders. I think he is manipulative. And he is manipulating you.

people are all singing from the same hymn sheet mainly because they have met his type before. Or variations there of.

Some, like me, will have had their lives wrecked by one. Really OP, no good can come of this.

Cut your losses .

@OldLobster have you ever heard the expression "Street angel, house devil". Like a lot of people he's very keen to have a nice public image, kind and generous, the trouble is with him it IS just an image, it's a smokescreen to hide how unpleasant he really is in private. Part of having this nice public image is so that if anyone (like yourself) speaks badly of him those other people will speak in his favour.
He's tight with you, he used his Ex wife financially (and admits to it), his DD doesn't like him.

@OldLobster plenty of posters have told you he's a cock lodger. He's also a man child.
Im going to tell you a story to make you laugh.
My good friend had been married three times. Only the last husband gave her a fair settlement after she built his business.
She bought what we called a 'house of skirt '. Pink, small and not for men. The number of boyfriends who complained about her double brass bed and small TV. They were all divorced and living at their parents or with mates. They wanted her to get longer, bigger beds (she didn't need one!) , a mega TV for their convenience ditto FRIDGES. All cocklodgers. We now call small pretty cottages hello kitty pads. Ideal if you want to keep the ponces away.
Youll be OK without him even if he has a diamond studded todger. LTB.

These men always do. They love to project an imagine to the outside world that they’re and absolutely top bloke. It’s only behind closed doors their true colours show

And the story about his ex and DD is a huge red flag - funny how these cocklodging teats always have a ‘crazy ex’ who turned the kids against him. It’s textbook BS

When I mentioned this he stressed that my bills wouldn't increase that much by him staying here and so I would have some 'spare' money each month.

Ooh I recognise this! My long-ago ex boyfriend, a classic cocklodger, had exactly the same outlook. I was on a tight budget at the time, which he knew, but he was still stunned when I suggested he could start paying some rent. After all, my rent hadn't increased when he moved in, had it? He had previously been living with (and off) his pensioner mum, and the idea of not being supported by a woman baffled him. When he lost his job, he was planning to start claiming housing benefit -- and keep it himself. Er, no ....

I just don't understand men. He provided big house for the previous marriage but now all he wants is to go somewhere, anywhere how small, just to have a roof over his head. Is this what men really are like

Stupid comment I know

He's a cheeky fucker OP and if you're re not careful he's going to move on by stealth. All it'll take will be 'can I store some stuff at yours' when the house sells.

Personally I'd think about a massive break while he gets himself sorted out with a home. You are not going to like living with him by the sounds of it.