To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

Just divorce him, no point staying with this man. Don't leave it too late because it can affect benefits.

It sounds like you are resigned to the SAHM option for your kids care OP, but you only have to read on here daily to see how the SAHM option honestly rarely seems to work these days - men are tight or loose in all the wrong ways even when the financial contribution is equal - we on mumnet dont need convincing that the childcare and house work is just as important if not more, but men rarely give it equality - they must experience doing it first to see how hard it is

OP please put in a claim for Carers Allowance. Given the amount of care you are giving you will get it. You will only get it for one child, but it will make a difference. Carers allowance is currently about £80 a week and whilst you are claiming it you also get national insurance credits, which go towards your state pension.

I really do feel for you OP but you need to take some action or you are going to wake up at 80 and realise you have never left the country, which is fine, I’m sure a lot of people are in the same boat, but this doesn’t sound like the situation you want to be in. Life is to be lived, you only get one and quite frankly you sound horribly miserable but unless you stand up to him nothing will change for you or your kids. I also agree with others, a passport isn’t just required for travel. I reckon you have a few choices;

1. Get a side job, if your husband won’t allow that or is not willing to take the kids to allow that then you have much bigger problems than just the passport. Do you have any other support network? Someone else who could take the kids for a few hours? Sorry if I’ve missed that.
2. Simply buy the passports with the weekly allowance he gives you, tell him you have done this and have the argument. If I were you this is what I would do but my worry is you are being quite vague and seem to be giving into your DH and I’m not sure why. For me, getting the passports would be worth the argument but again, I don’t know your dynamic.

A marriage/relationship is a two way street - it sounds like you are getting absolutely nothing but basic living funds from this man, maybe I’m reading your initial post wrong but that’s what it rings to me. Speak to him about how unhappy you are and how much this means to you - if he truly loves you he will allow it.

good luck

OK. What do you think would happen if you said that you'd like to change the way you run your joint finances slightly and for each of you to have a "fun/petty cash" budget that allows you to save for bigger personal spends without needing the agreement of the other?

He sounds absolutely vile, whilst you are looking after the kids, allowing him the luxury of being able to have a career, every penny he earns should be household money. What a controlling tosser

Yes I have some ideas but they usually involve childcare or getting up incredibly early or staying up late to fit it all in. I’m sure I can make extra money, it’s just finding the time to do it and it is so soul destroying and crushing to never have the time or the space to do it. Both kids are not at full-time school, I have no parental support or childminding possibilities. It is just constant care of my children and although I get a lot of joy out it, I do feel ground down by it all and struggle to keep on top of everything. I have other commitments as well as I care for an elderly relatives. I barely have time to myself let alone time to start up new business.

The only reason I’m in here posting today is because it is the summer holidays so no part-time tuition to schlep around to and it is raining outside so I’ve managed to persuade my son to do continue a project of his.indoors. I’m supposed to be catching up on all the housework today but decided to reach out on here and try to do some research on finances and work.

Oh my goodness, I'm glad you're not taking the perspective of the person you just responded to on board. Of COURSE you should have a passport! And of COURSE you've been working with all the family labour you've been contributing. I'm currently a SAH parent and I have my own passport, spend our money however I deem sensible, various accounts are in my name and any inheritance on either side becomes part of our shared money. Your husband sounds very, very controlling to me.

Please don't listen to people complaining you aren't working in your specific circumstances. Before children I had a really good government job. Well paid and good prospects for future progression. But due to issues with our children I have had to take numorous steps down. First to part time work then lower paid work. I have one child only attending school part time and neither can cope with normal childcare options. I'm now a single mum and can only do 15hrs a week. Even then its a massive struggle around appointments etc and only works due to a very supportive company.

I'd suggest looking at different types of coercive control / emotional abuse. In a similar situation I genuinely didnt realise how bad things had become. I was barely spending anything on me or the kids and constantly stressed about money because my oh would complain things were too expensive. Meanwhile he spent whatever he wanted on anything.

I dont think the passport is the correct focus now. You can't take the kids abroad without his permission. That's the case whether married or not.

Why do you need to ask for funds? I'm a sahm for an extra year after maternity leave, going back to work when he's in nursery, and my husband outs everything in joint account as do I when I get freelance work, and I take it out whenever for whatever, obviously not frivolously as we can't afford it. Why don't you have access to a few hundred quid, it's not his money it's both of yours.

OP, I know this isn’t helpful but your position is terrifying to me and I hope you manage to resolve it. The fact that your husband has clearly pissed through a significant inheritance and controls your finances to the extent your children are missing out on life experiences, gives me the fear.

surely thats what the post should be about then, not the passport side issue ?

Do your children not get DLA ? Where does that money go? Can't you use some of this money to pay for a passport and if they do you can apply for carers allowance.

Oh my goodness. The passports are only part of the problem. You and your children will be better off away from this selfish and controlling man.

I think this is a classification issue. I'd count a big purchase as something that affects my other spending that month and needs to be planned for, which can include something that happens rarely like a house/white goods/furniture. It can still be absolutely essential, like I consider my passport!

Fair, everybody has different priorities but if a marraige is unequal then there will be problems like the op is facing.

You can get a UK issued Citizen card for 18 pounds

https://www.citizencard.com

If you did manage to get the passports, and I hope you find a way, is there any chance he would veto travel abroad for the children? I don't know if a parent can do this without a court order, but forewarned is forearmed, and someone on the thread might know.

Even if you did get passports would he agree to a holiday abroad?

You are going to have to put some money away a week. Do you like him controlling you?
I watched my mum go through it and in the end I came to the conclusion they were both thick as thieves. My mum has passed now so I can't ask her the question. If it was me I would have it out with him it would be war.

The fact he has the “final say” on bigger purchases is weird. This isn’t the Victorian age. And the fact that he regularly jets off to China and the US etc, but he won’t let his kid go to France for a couple of nights makes it a lot worse somehow.

If your earnings are less than £196 per week (and it sounds as though yours are zero), you can claim Carer's Allowance as your child is in receipt of DLA.

Carer's Allowance is £83.30 per week. You'll have those passports paid for in three weeks. Problem solved.

YANBU but as others have said you probably need some income of your own so you can decide what you do & when.

I can’t see him agreeing to paying for a girl’s city break if he won’t allow passports on the basis of finance.

How much does he earn? What did he inherit? Surely you get child benefit on top of DLA. Maybe he is worried about money?

Sorry but you need to gain some economic independance. I could not imagine having to ask anyone for things I want to buy.
Find a part time job or a full time job, eork from home, sell candles, anything to mean you do not have to ask another adult to allow you to have a passport or anything else you want to buy.

Honestly this! I won’t go into all that’s been said previously about your marriage @Marzipanface. Only you and your husband know the truth of it all. It’s up to you on how to proceed. I would honestly be telling the children to bog off whinging on for passports and holidays. You can’t whatever the reasons currently afford passports or trips abroad. Many people can’t. Your children are obviously savvy enough to be putting pressure on you so tell them they can get passports when they are adults. They can go abroad on holidays when they are adults. They can pay for these things themselves either from employment or any benefits they will be entitled to claim. Children won’t be harmed by not going on foreign holidays. As others have said save a little amount each week and you will soon be able to afford your own passport if that’s what you want. Or renew your provisional licence.