Page 8 | To want my kids and I to have passports?

Marzipanface · 2025-07-21T23:49:56+00:00

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help. As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions. Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them. The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports. I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country. He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

TheAmusedQuail · 22/07/2025 11:57

Save the money up slowly and then buy them.

Sell stuff on Vinted or Ebay. Put a fiver aside from the shopping money. Buy them one at a time. If he's not abusive or financially controlling, then you will have a little leeway in how you access small amounts of cash.

NarnianQueen · 22/07/2025 11:58

Yes I can do this. No he really doesn’t monitor my account like this at all.

You could also buy stuff that counts as household expenses, wait for him to reimburse you then return them for cash…?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/07/2025 12:00

Is he worried you’re going to leave him? Do you have family living abroad at all? A bit random, I’m just wondering if he thinks you’re planning to take the kids and move abroad without him. Pretty crazy thing to think, but pretty crazy not letting you get passports.

In your position you should just go ahead and get your own. It’s really shocking that he’s refusing to let you have your own passport. He may be lovely in other areas, but he is massively out of order in this.

Original poster

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:00

abs12 · 22/07/2025 11:24

Possibly a dumb question. Have you ever seen his passport ID page? Or is it guarded? As in, has he anything to hide? I had a family member marry someone like this... He hid part of his name and age. Yes, they were married. It was weird.

I really feel for you and your kids. It's utterly ridiculous.

Yes I’ve seen it. There are no secrets in that respect. He is very open about most stuff. I know his passwords and even his bank details. We don’t hide or keep that stuff private. I don’t believe he is traditionally financially abusive at all. On an everyday level he is more than happy and open to pay for stuff/transfer cash for stuff/share money, but about big purchases though he can be so difficult. Particularly if he doesn’t think it is necessary.

OP posts:

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/07/2025 12:00

OnlyAWomansHeart · 22/07/2025 03:11

It isn’t true your kids can’t go abroad because they don’t have passports.

They can’t go abroad because their controlling father does not want them to go abroad / doesn’t prioritize them to go abroad.

Some practical steps:

If you have access to household money start saving cash. You can over time save enough for a provisional licence so you have ID. Then get passports for you and the children. Get the forms now - familiarize yourself with them, fill them in, get pictures. Be proactive. If you’re ready to pop them in the post then you will be more motivated to get the money & finish the process. It will be real to you.

Price up a holiday. Make a plan for what you can do with the kids. What is feasible? Train to North France? Ferry? Flight? Start making a plan so you know where you’d want to go and how’d you get there.

When it’s real to you - you can then find a way to make it happen. Can you get an evening shift at weekend somewhere? HCA, overnight care for parents with child for additional needs, cleaning, whatever your previous role was in? Cleaners get £18 an hour here - £25 for deep clean. In 4 weeks you’d have the money and the passports. Start taking back small pieces of independence. You will realise you are not passive waiting for his permission- you have made a lot of choices for your life to be as it is and you will have to make choices for it to change.

See how you feel in a month. Has the dynamic changed, is he paying attention? is he caring for his own children in his own time, can you see yourself getting more independence? How does that all feel?

Think about learning to drive. Think about what it would be like to be able to make decisions to spend £100 on something you’ve wanted for years without an angry and controlling response. Think about the peace you could have.

Take small steps forward each day. You’ll soon be far beyond your situation. You may be better off in a home where you and your children can have dreams and make them happen rather than be controlled and curtailed.

You are a powerful person. Get the passports - start now - work toward the goal each day. You don’t need permission from him. You need permission from yourself to take action. Then start thinking about all the other ways your life got small and start to enlargen it.

Such good step by step advice OP.
I hope you can find a way to do this. Imagine being able to say to your 15 year old "pack your suitcase, we're going to Paris for the weekend".

Also I think once you start looking at what level of control the no money, no passports issue is... you will probably find that there are more areas of control that you have realised.

Have you got the Birth Certs and maybe a teacher or similar professional who can sign the passport photos?

Original poster

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:02

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/07/2025 12:00

Is he worried you’re going to leave him? Do you have family living abroad at all? A bit random, I’m just wondering if he thinks you’re planning to take the kids and move abroad without him. Pretty crazy thing to think, but pretty crazy not letting you get passports.

In your position you should just go ahead and get your own. It’s really shocking that he’s refusing to let you have your own passport. He may be lovely in other areas, but he is massively out of order in this.

I honestly don’t know. I could ask him. It would never occur to me that he would think like this, but maybe there is something there I don’t know about. Thanks for pointing this out. I’ll consider this.

OP posts:

RenovationNightmare · 22/07/2025 12:03

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 10:02

I do contribute to the household. I’ve done 24 hour childcare for the past 15 years so he can work as many hours as he chooses and rest when he needs to. He works hard. He has also done some international travel as part of his job and is able to do that because he has a wife who looks after the children and the house.

I cook, clean, do all the school runs and provide all the domestic and childcare. The fact you think this isn’t a contribution to our household and place no value on my labour is genuinely concerning.

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Honestly, the fact that your DH unilaterally decides how to spend his income and you have no say, that should be more concerning to you than what an anonymous poster thinks.

Your DH thinks it's not a real contribution otherwise decisions would not have been made by him alone.
It would appear from your post that you chose to put up with it, diligently doing everything in home so he could do very little.
I don't know what to say, if he won't change then you either need to put up with it force change and get a job.
I would be very scared to rely on a man who behaved in this way.
You don't have a passport but the bigger issue is that you don't have pension contributions and your husband is behaving like a prick.

mysecretshame · 22/07/2025 12:05

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:00

Yes I’ve seen it. There are no secrets in that respect. He is very open about most stuff. I know his passwords and even his bank details. We don’t hide or keep that stuff private. I don’t believe he is traditionally financially abusive at all. On an everyday level he is more than happy and open to pay for stuff/transfer cash for stuff/share money, but about big purchases though he can be so difficult. Particularly if he doesn’t think it is necessary.

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I haven't read every post - but if you don't have ID, presumably you can't vote?
I think that's pretty necessary - would he pay for another form of ID for you instead of a passport? That way, at least you would know if it's the "leaving the country" thing that's the problem or if he is controlling in a broader sense.

Saving a fiver here and there should mean that you could get a passport by the end of the year, but it seems crazy to have to go to such lengths to do that - in an otherwise happy marriage?

Original poster

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:06

LurkThenPost · 22/07/2025 11:48

If passports aren’t a necessary expense, then why does he have one?

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He has to get one for his work as he had to do some travel, which he hated.

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 22/07/2025 12:07

Op, you have a huge burden in looking after your children.
Can you think of a way of making 1000 for the passports?

Start a kitty...

Taking in ironing for cash?
Mowing next door's lawns?
Selling Op shop clothing or things on-line?
Setting up a Go Fund Me page for the passports?
Eating cheaper meals for a month - rice and beans?
Grow your own vegetables?
Starting a home business of mending, altering, sketching people's dogs for cash?

Always ask for money for the passport fund if husband or relatives wonder what to buy you for a gift.

LurkThenPost · 22/07/2025 12:07

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:06

He has to get one for his work as he had to do some travel, which he hated.

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Do you have an overdraft on your account? If yes, just apply for them online and get it signed from their teacher. Deal with him later. If he becomes abusive, then divorce him.

Original poster

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:08

RenovationNightmare · 22/07/2025 12:03

Honestly, the fact that your DH unilaterally decides how to spend his income and you have no say, that should be more concerning to you than what an anonymous poster thinks.

Your DH thinks it's not a real contribution otherwise decisions would not have been made by him alone.
It would appear from your post that you chose to put up with it, diligently doing everything in home so he could do very little.
I don't know what to say, if he won't change then you either need to put up with it force change and get a job.
I would be very scared to rely on a man who behaved in this way.
You don't have a passport but the bigger issue is that you don't have pension contributions and your husband is behaving like a prick.

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It is concerning to me but he looks at me baffled and says we can’t afford passports.
As for pension contributions - I thought they were covered by child benefit whilst children are young?

OP posts:

Coffeeishot · 22/07/2025 12:08

mysecretshame · 22/07/2025 12:05

I haven't read every post - but if you don't have ID, presumably you can't vote?
I think that's pretty necessary - would he pay for another form of ID for you instead of a passport? That way, at least you would know if it's the "leaving the country" thing that's the problem or if he is controlling in a broader sense.

Saving a fiver here and there should mean that you could get a passport by the end of the year, but it seems crazy to have to go to such lengths to do that - in an otherwise happy marriage?

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Oh yes you need ID to vote now, do you not vote ?

Reallybadidea · 22/07/2025 12:10

You say he would discuss big purchases that he wanted to make - what would he do if you said "no, absolutely not happy for you to spend that money". You say you don't have a nest egg anymore because of a decision he made - was it a joint decision?

Original poster

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:10

Coffeeishot · 22/07/2025 12:08

Oh yes you need ID to vote now, do you not vote ?

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I have an expired provisional driving license!

OP posts:

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 12:12

You can get a job and make your own money then OP and he will have to learn to share childcare commitments with you including extra support the children need for their health and additional needs ?

Original poster

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:12

Reallybadidea · 22/07/2025 12:10

You say he would discuss big purchases that he wanted to make - what would he do if you said "no, absolutely not happy for you to spend that money". You say you don't have a nest egg anymore because of a decision he made - was it a joint decision?

It was a joint decision to a certain extent but then unexpected illness got in the way and he ended up out of a job for period of time. During which we had to pay the mortgage.

OP posts:

Coffeeishot · 22/07/2025 12:12

Do you think this is ever going to be resolved ? This is your life forever if you stay with this man.

Helpmefindmysoul · 22/07/2025 12:14

LurkThenPost · 22/07/2025 11:54

Passport is a basic human right, especially POC babies. I know this isn't America, but a lot of people are being detained which includes children. Maybe, this comes from a place of fear. But, I will absolutely insure my kids have passports so they can "prove" their citizenship and right to stay in this country. In addition, I needed my passport for my job without it I couldn't work in the field I chose to.

My parents (including my Dad) stressed the importance of getting passports and will be furious with me if my kids didn't have one. Due to immigration challenges and afraid of being detained. Again, I know more stories come from America. This is fear talking, hence getting protection and the passports!

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Yes this isn’t America and it is not a basic human right.

Children in this county are being denied safety, food and shelter which constitutes actual basic human rights.

The passport in the UK is not a mandatory document. It is an extremely helpful document when proving identity but in the UK if someone does not have a passport they can provide alternative proof of identification albeit they will need to provide more.
Many people choose not to have a passport and it is your right to obtain one. Evidently the OP has also managed to get through a large portion of her life without the passport highlighting that it’s not actually necessary but of course it’s very advantageous to have.

As a side note passports are forged daily for a number of reasons possibly a key one due to wanting and needing safety so I recognise why one may have high importance.

But it is not a human right in the same right as those internationally recognised by law. The two are not comparative.

Reallybadidea · 22/07/2025 12:15

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:12

It was a joint decision to a certain extent but then unexpected illness got in the way and he ended up out of a job for period of time. During which we had to pay the mortgage.

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What would he do if you vetoed a big purchase of his? Would he respect that?

Original poster

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:15

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 12:12

You can get a job and make your own money then OP and he will have to learn to share childcare commitments with you including extra support the children need for their health and additional needs ?

Yup. But he doesn’t. He says he will but really it doesn’t happen. He basically struggles with looking after two children with additional needs. It became easier for me to do the childcare. He find it stressful and it is not one of this strengths. His strength is working in his field and earning money. Mine is the domestic sphere. This has always worked for us until I want a fecking passport.

thank you all. Lots to think about. I appreciate all your responses and it is interesting to see how others view stuff.

OP posts:

Original poster

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:16

Reallybadidea · 22/07/2025 12:15

What would he do if you vetoed a big purchase of his? Would he respect that?

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He has in the past. Yes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Marzipanface · 22/07/2025 12:17

Coffeeishot · 22/07/2025 12:12

Do you think this is ever going to be resolved ? This is your life forever if you stay with this man.

Yes I fear you are right. Hence posting here to see what others thinks and getting some advice.

OP posts:

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 22/07/2025 12:17

Going to go against the grain here, if you can’t afford a holiday then passports for £200-£300 are a waste of money. I manage the finances in my marriage and my wife is very much the type of person who just expects money to be available for whatever she wants. Which is how we both ended up in £15k worth of debt. I finally took control of the finances a few years ago and we have paid down the debt to £15k between us. And that means sometimes I have to just say no, we can’t afford it. And if my DW just spent £300 anyway then she’d be blowing half our food budget for the month. But the final decision isn’t mine, normally if it’s really important I’ll add it in to the budget when i think we can afford it, but it always means sacrificing something else. But we both work and choose to pool money, I’m the higher earner, so that’s a different dynamic.

So I think it really depends on how much disposable income you have because without money for a holiday it is a reasonably big expense when if you need ID a provisional is much cheaper

LurkThenPost · 22/07/2025 12:19

Helpmefindmysoul · 22/07/2025 12:14

Yes this isn’t America and it is not a basic human right.

Children in this county are being denied safety, food and shelter which constitutes actual basic human rights.

The passport in the UK is not a mandatory document. It is an extremely helpful document when proving identity but in the UK if someone does not have a passport they can provide alternative proof of identification albeit they will need to provide more.
Many people choose not to have a passport and it is your right to obtain one. Evidently the OP has also managed to get through a large portion of her life without the passport highlighting that it’s not actually necessary but of course it’s very advantageous to have.

As a side note passports are forged daily for a number of reasons possibly a key one due to wanting and needing safety so I recognise why one may have high importance.

But it is not a human right in the same right as those internationally recognised by law. The two are not comparative.

Show quote history

You missed the point entirely. It isn't about proving identity. It's about proving citizenship and a legal right that you're allowed to live and stay in this country. There are so many children being detained, as mentioned I am POC so my child has more chance already of being detained. Its for their protection. A driving licence or provisional can prove identity, but it can not prove citizenship. From a protection point of view, I will always ensure my children have passports. You also mention "shelter" in your post, which is what I am referring to. It's scary I have to think like this, but what I have to do. I take no pleasure shelling out £100's of pounds but its for their protection!