To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

Sounds as if its just a disagreement about whether passports are necessary to me

He doesnt see them as necessary and OP does.

OP says that they agree 'big purchases' together and have a say over what gets agreed and purchased. I think buying something for a couple of hundred pounds is a big purchase (the 3 passports)

He has a fixed view about the purpose of a passport given he doesnt like to leave the country and OP said he would be happy never to travel again but sometimes his work requires him to and he doesnt like it

The inheritance got used up having to pay a mortgage when he lost his job, fairly understandably.

I dont think this is coercive control or financial abuse, its a difference of priority and expectation and they cant agree.

OP is unfortunately in a position due to his parenting incompetence that she finds herself burdened with all the child care but these children should be at school, thats where I would focus my energies. On the face of it he sounds as if he has ND traits, rigid, black and white, cant empathise, gets overwhelmed, stressed around children, his own children have SEN and he would be happy never to leave his comfort zone.

I wonder if he would describe himself like that?

@Flyswats that’s a really good idea.

If your money is "largely accounted for" what spending money do you have for yourself? For clothes, shoes, gifts, books, makeup, haircuts etc?

You should have access to enough of this money that over a few months you can make some minor savings to free up this cash.

If you don't, either:
a) its because there is no spare money in the family budget, in which case perhaps this isn't affordable right now (unlikely)
Or
b) your husband is being financially controlling and you need to either leave him, or return to work, even if it is part time.

Child benefit will only get you state pension credits. Its not enough to live off, you need private pension to top it up and you clearly can't rely on your husband sharing "his" money.

Its 2025. You simply can't assume any more that as a woman men will fund or provide for you, even if you had children. You need to earn your own money.

Thank you. I will look into this. I did mention it once to a family member who advises on benefits as a job and I got told that I shouldn’t expect to receive a benefit for caring for my own child/children and I left feeling stupid.

The op said he makes big purchases on things he wants. He also received an inheritance. I received an inheritance after my mum passed I got everyone's passports sorted out and I booked a holiday. Shroud's have no pockets. I still have money left over just in case. I wouldn't dream of only spending it on me.

are you asian origin like me OP ?

Asian man not getting SAHM wife passport is something I am seeing often. Frustration of the single income.

Threads like these often end with op saying her DH has a "decent" income but it turns out he's working all hours for about £36k and he's tight with the money because there is none.

@Falseknock You sound like a kind person for doing that but the OP doesn’t appear to have any money of her own and limited access to some money of her husband’s? So the upshot is no money for passports or holidays and she should tell the children that. I think OP said she has vetoed large purchases in past? It’s up to her if she gets her own passport. None of us can really know what’s going on in someone else’s marriage.

Does he prefer this current arrangement that you SAHM and look after kids , or does he want to share work responsibility and childcare responsibility

He cant have it both ways and unfortunately neither can you. If he is willing to shoulder half the housework and childcare in order not to have his income be the sole income, then it may well be you who is being unreasonable here as you have allocated roles here arbitarily. Alternately, if he wants you home with the kids and doesnt want to share in that responsibility but wants to have the money be all his , then he is the one being unreasonable

She ASKED and was unreasonably denied. NOW she's demanding and she does have every right to demand as she has stated she has issues even proving her own identity.

If anyone wants to know one of the main reasons for women no longer wanting to stay in the home - it's this shit.

I have posted another thread a few months ago, about an Asian friend and his SAHM wife who came here to us on holiday to the UK from abroad

The SAHM kept talking about how she is too rich to need to work given her parents are wealthy apparently and yet would take 10 minutes counting out pennies at the till at primark or next to pay for something while I was trying to offer a tenner instead to not hold up the queue - her husband had given her coins to spend instead of actual 20s/50s/100s. I would rather work if I was her.

He sees them as necessary enough for himself to have one.

To be pedantic, we dont know she was 'unreasonably' denied, any more than she 'unreasonably asked'. They simply disagree that this is necessary

She could get ID in another format which is much more affordable, however she isnt unreasonable to say she wants a passport for herself, equally they usually agree or disagree big purchases together, she said that. So how do they move forward if one agrees nd the other doesnt.

Yes OP said that he has to travel abroad for work which he doesnt like and would prefer not to do. Bit difficult to do that if you dont have a passport. Have you been reading the thread?

If your husband told you that would you believe him?

yes, state pension credits until the children are 12+. What’s your plan after that? And living on a state pension is penury. Why isn’t he funding a SIPP for you, considering how much you have given up to care for his children?

Another poster said…
I would be very scared to rely on a man who behaved in this way
and I agree. You need a plan, because I cannot see you living happily ever after with this controlling man.

As far the driving - this is ridiculous. You may be able to cope now, but what when they are older?

You need to start looking after - and plan for - your own best interests. He certainly is! Get back to work, learn to drive, work out how you might be able to manage if you left him. And get passports at some point, obviously.

Where is he then when she thinks hes abroad? OP does not say she doesnt believe him or have evidence to query it?

@Marzipanface not read the full thread so not sure if it’s been suggested, but you can check if you may be entitled to additional benefits online.

MoneySavingExpert have good online guides that are easy to follow, and a calculator tool as well.

if you are entitled to anything extra, I’d suggest opening a new account online (with your current bank to avoid needing any ID) to get them paid into. You can also use it to transfer any small amounts into, so the funds for the passports slowly build up.

She's been asking for years and still doesn't have one while he does. It's certainly not reasonable.

Yes. And the OP has asked for a passport as she's had problems verifying her identity.

To be clear, people are justifying this woman continually being refused a PASSPORT. Come on to absolute fuck.

Why the extreme sympathy for the controlling husband? It's not unreasonable to want a passport. And it's not for you to judge whether or not the OP actually could be working.

She might as well ask what he's hiding seeing as he disapproves.

What 'people' are these?

There is a disagreement between 2 people who share money together about expenditure. Neither are reasonable or unreasonable, they disagree.

im not sure what the way forward is, except for OP to fully have her own money but there are complications to that which she has set out, she cant just start job tomorrow even if she had a fully functioning equal parent to parent her children with her.

And again, she is able to get ID in another format to validate any ID needs, she wont be left without that. But a passport is a different thing for her.

I don't know what the fuck I'm reading on this thread.

It's horrifying seeing women justifying this.