To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

Can you save a fiver a week in your account and then get the passports when you’ve saved enough? Or does he monitor your account and take any remainder back?

Can you claim Carer’s allowance for the child receiving DLA?

That would give you a bit more of an income.

My dad was the same didn't want to travel. I got my first passport at 21. Going by some of the posts on here I think you have more problems than just the passport. Your daughter can apply for her own passport when she is 16 and you can apply for your own as well. The other children will have to wait your partner sounds miserable and mean.

I wasn’t aware I could to be honest!

Yes I can do this. No he really doesn’t monitor my account like this at all.

The dla for the child is your income? Or do you receive dla for yourself too.
It is suppose to be for the child, for therapies or experiences, not so your husband can be a cheapskate.

Now I understand in many families, they need to use it for household purposes because they're not working outside the home due to caring responsibilities.

Please leave this man. He is horrible, financially abusive.

You would be better off living in a tent on benefits.

This isn’t about passports. It is about control. Do you get child benefit?

Do you go on holiday in the UK?

No he wasn’t. He isn’t building up a nest egg. Sadly the opposite. He has in fact made decisions over a large sum of money which means we no longer have a nest egg but I don’t want to go into it.

Pharmacist signed mine. If you're friendly with them.

Do you literally only have money in your own account to spend on bills and stuff for the kids? You said he transfers you money for that - but nothing else? You don't have your own fun money?
Does he treat himself?

Do you have a joint credit card? Just use that and apply for them.

You seem insulated are you ?

The people saying that passports aren't a big purchase are clearly lucky enough not to need to pinch pennies! I renewed ours last year and needed to think carefully about spending that month. I'm lucky in that it was just that month, but I'd definitely count that amount of money as a big purchase for my household.

I'm wondering why you haven't applied for the passport yourself? You don't need his signature. And you say you have money.

If passports aren’t a necessary expense, then why does he have one?

Big purchases are from. sofas to houses, i dont actually see a passport as a big purchase to be decided on they can be saved for if you want to go on holiday, but in this case the husband doesn't want his wife and children to have a choice so it isn't even a discussion about big purchases.

You seem to only be telling half the story @Marzipanface and avoiding answering certain questions because the answers you obviously don’t know because yes you’re being controlled.

How much does your DH earn?
Do you have access to the account he is paid into?
Do you have access to the savings?

You both jointly made these children and due their needs one of their parents needs to stay home. That doesn’t mean the parent that stays at home needs to suffer financially.

You are meant to be a family and a unit. He shouldn’t be hiding or withholding from you.

You say he gives you money and you have control over your own bank account, so why don’t you just apply for them and pay for them that way?

I’m intrigued though - you say you want to go on city breaks abroad with friends….how do you anticipate you’ll pay for that if you’re struggling to put aside money for the passport?

So if your children have disabilities and you’re not working as you’re caring for them, are you claiming benefits? DLA for both children and carers allowance? There may be other benefits available but I’d be surprised if you weren’t eligible for these. Could you save some of this money and use it to buy passports? I mean I do think they’re kind of redundant if you can’t afford to travel abroad on holiday BUT I don’t think it should be blocked by one partner.

Passport is a basic human right, especially POC babies. I know this isn't America, but a lot of people are being detained which includes children. Maybe, this comes from a place of fear. But, I will absolutely insure my kids have passports so they can "prove" their citizenship and right to stay in this country. In addition, I needed my passport for my job without it I couldn't work in the field I chose to.

My parents (including my Dad) stressed the importance of getting passports and will be furious with me if my kids didn't have one. Due to immigration challenges and afraid of being detained. Again, I know more stories come from America. This is fear talking, hence getting protection and the passports!

It just sounds a miserable life for you and the kids @Marzipanface

Take a part time job to help you feel better, Op.
Purchase yourself a passport.
The fifteen year old is almost old enough to organise one for herself. Assist her in doing so. Maybe she would contribute part of the cost from her job.

The younger child is not old enough to have a passport without both of you agreeing so how about trying to research Sunny, reasonably priced and accessable holiday destinations together.
Reality of going to somewhere nice might seem attractive after you present the cost, travel mode etc.

Does your husband worry about finances?

I don’t really have money. The money I get is largely accounted for. If I spent 200 odd quid on passports this month, I would have to ask him to give me more to cover the deficit. He would know. I can’t purchase something costing that amount without it being a discussion. We are supposed to have joint finances. He wouldn’t purchase something costing 200 plus without talking to me first. It’s just with passports he just puts his foot down and has done for years. To the point I’m utterly sick of not having a passport for ID or travel when I know we could afford it if we budgeted for it.

Can you sell some stuff on Vinted and have the money withdrawn to your bank account? There's no selling fees.

Has your husband gambled away the nest egg OP? Is that why you could be short of money and he doesn’t want to pay for the passports?